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Psalm 55:22 --- you really need to read this. "Friends are God's way of taking care of us." This was written by a Metro Denver Hospice Physician:

I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die - I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a Gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay.

When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel.

At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95.

I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying " don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little, but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me."

I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fuelling, walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids in the car, who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little.

She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there.

So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there.

I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?"

This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people."

It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.

Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the fl utter of their wings...

Psalms 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee. He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."

Destin FL
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Voted Best Scottish Short Joke !!

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv any books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

"Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

Destin FL
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The Old Sailor

Edward, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? "

The prostitute replies, "Well Ed, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean??"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

Destin FL
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How Many Men? Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Baltimore MD
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Subject: Bubba Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say , ' There's Bubba with them two assholes. "

Destin FL
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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Destin FL
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SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE This is hilarious This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School in California, where the staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes. The outgoing message: Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: * To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 * To make excuses for why your child did not do their work- Press 2 * To complain about what we do - Press 3 * To swear at staff members - Press 4 * To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 * If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 * If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 * To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8 * To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 * To complain about school lunches - Press 0 * If you realize this is the real world and your child must be held accountable and responsible for their own beha vior, class work homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up now and have a nice day! *If you want this message in Spanish you're in the wrong country.

Destin FL
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christm as tree'. 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

Destin FL
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Nymphomaniac Convention] >> >> Nymphomaniacs Convention >> A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. >> >> As he settled in, he glanced up and saw >> the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. >> >> He soon realized she was heading straight >> towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took >> the seat right beside his. >> >> Eager to strike up a conversation he >> blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?' >> >> She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. >> I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America >> Convention in Boston.' >> >> He swallowed hard. Here was the most >> gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, >> and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. >> >> Struggling to maintain his composure, he >> calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this >> convention?' >> >> 'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use >> information that I have learned from my personal >> experiences to debunk some of the popular myths >> about sexuality.' >> >> 'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of >> myths are there?' >> >> >> 'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth >> is that African-American men are the most >> well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the >> Native American Indian who is most likely to possess >> that trait. >> >> Another popular myth is that Frenchmen >> are the best lovers when actually it is men of >> Jewish descent who are the best. >> >> I have also discovered that the lover >> with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern >> Redneck.' >> >> Suddenly the woman became a little >> uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I >> shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. >> I don't even know your name.' >> Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, >> but my friends call me Bubba.

Destin FL
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A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the fuck are you?" the man asks

"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

Queensbury NY
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own