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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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At bedtime one night, the wife became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders, the small of her back and then over her breasts, touching them lightly. He proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first up one side and down the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then did the same to her right thigh.

The wife was squirming with desire when her husband suddenly stopped and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

Destin FL
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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas.

Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom; undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

Milwaukee WI
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had.....???"

Milwaukee WI
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No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . '

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

Destin FL
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Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelie f)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie!"

Destin FL
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Did you hear that they have started selling tennis shoes for Lesbians...

Called Dikies....

Unfortunatly the 1st production lot was rejected.

The Tounges were too short...

Milwaukee WI
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Another new illness to watch out for! ?

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

" I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Destin FL
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What Starts with F and Ends with K?

A first-grade teacher, Mrs. Robin Graber, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Mrs. Graber had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Graber he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Mrs Graber and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Mrs. Graber says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Mrs. Graber asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Mrs. Graber: "What is in your pants that you have, but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Mrs. Graber: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Mrs. Graber: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Mrs. Graber: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Mrs. Graber: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Mrs. Graber: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told Mrs. Graber, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Destin FL
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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:

"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Destin FL
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Little Johnny was irritating his Mother 1 day as she tried to do the house work. She told Johnny "They are building a new house across the street, why don't you over & see if you can learn something". So off Johnny went..

When he returned she asked "Johnny, what did you learn"? Johnny replied "Well 1st you put the Dam'n 2 x 4 up, then the Son Of a Bitch won't fit, then you take the God Damn thing down and shave a Cunt hair off and then put the Mother Fucker back up and pound in the Fucking nails". "That's terrible Johnny, wait till your father gets home she screamed".

When Father got home he asked Johnny what he learned & Johnny repeated the same thing. Father replied "I have no chose Johnny but you go get me a switch". Johnny replied back "Fuck you, that's a Electrian's job"!

Milwaukee WI
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own