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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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Brain Teasers

BRAIN TEASERS

1. Some months have 30 days; some have 31; how many months have 28 days?

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

3. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

7. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?

8. How far can a dog run into the woods?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

13. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?

14. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?

15. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?

ANSWERS:

1. All 12 have 28 days

2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

3. Light the match first.

4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North Pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.

6. Yes, and a 5th, a 6th,...

7. I thought Noah brought 2 of each animal, not Moses.

8. Halfway, then he would be running out of the woods.

9. The time/month/date/year of an American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.

10. No. You can't marry someone if you're dead!

11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

12. The temperature.

13. A half-dollar and a nickel. (Only one was not a nickel)

14. 9 sheep

15. 70

Destin FL
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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Destin FL
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At bedtime one night, the wife became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders, the small of her back and then over her breasts, touching them lightly. He proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first up one side and down the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then did the same to her right thigh.

The wife was squirming with desire when her husband suddenly stopped and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

Destin FL
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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas.

Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom; undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

Milwaukee WI
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had.....???"

Milwaukee WI
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No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . '

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

Destin FL
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Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelie f)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie!"

Destin FL
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Did you hear that they have started selling tennis shoes for Lesbians...

Called Dikies....

Unfortunatly the 1st production lot was rejected.

The Tounges were too short...

Milwaukee WI
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Another new illness to watch out for! ?

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

" I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Destin FL
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What Starts with F and Ends with K?

A first-grade teacher, Mrs. Robin Graber, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Mrs. Graber had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Graber he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Mrs Graber and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Mrs. Graber says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Mrs. Graber asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Mrs. Graber: "What is in your pants that you have, but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Mrs. Graber: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Mrs. Graber: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Mrs. Graber: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Mrs. Graber: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Mrs. Graber: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told Mrs. Graber, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Destin FL
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own