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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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Onions & Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases - each like a different type of tree.

In his twenties, he is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

Destin FL
 
 
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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,

'All of you sons of bitches, who want off, get the hell off now... because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches, who are getting on, get your asses on the train...because we're going down the tracks.'

The horrified mother went in and told her son,

'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...

'All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'

She heard her little darling continue...

'For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added,

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen....'

Merry Christmas!!!

Destin FL
 
 
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OH NO!

Destin FL
 
 
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Tree hugging

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

Milwaukee WI
 
 
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The mall I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue .My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wo ndering if you were my son."

Steger IL
 
 
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target shoot anyone??

http ://www*sizor*com/flash/binladen.htm

Destin FL
 
 
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Psalm 55:22 --- you really need to read this. "Friends are God's way of taking care of us." This was written by a Metro Denver Hospice Physician:

I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die - I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a Gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay.

When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel.

At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95.

I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying " don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little, but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me."

I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fuelling, walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids in the car, who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little.

She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there.

So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there.

I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?"

This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people."

It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.

Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the fl utter of their wings...

Psalms 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee. He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."

Destin FL
 
 
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Voted Best Scottish Short Joke !!

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv any books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

"Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

Destin FL
 
 
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The Old Sailor

Edward, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? "

The prostitute replies, "Well Ed, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean??"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

Destin FL
 
 
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How Many Men? Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Baltimore MD
 
 
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