Well Ladies... Hope you can handle it!......Meet MAX!

I knew it was going to happen, but we just didn't know when. Here it is! Men's answer to Maxine. MAX Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. -------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------ - How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told -------------- ----------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ---------------- --------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. -------

What is it with the lawnmower drunks??????????????

VERMILION, Ohio - Police have arrested a man accused of operating lawn mower while drunk.

Dondi Bowles, 50, of Vermilion, was arrested about 9:45 p.m. Friday as he drove the mower on a sidewalk.

Police said he had used the mower to drive to a store about a mile from his home and was arrested on his way back. Police had the lawn mower towed.

Police said a breath test showed that Bowles' blood alcohol level was 0.144 percent, above Ohio's limit of 0.08 percent.

Police said it was Bowles' third drunk driving-related arrest in six months.

Vermilion is a Lake Erie town about 40 miles west of Cleveland.

MARTINSBURG, W.Va. - A man accused of drunken driving reportedly tried to outrun the police, but his vehicle wasn't up to the task.

Michael Ginevan of Bunker Hill was driving a riding lawnmower on Runnymeade Road about a mile from his home when a Berkeley County sheriff's deputy attempted to pull him over. Ginevan, 39, allegedly sped away, and Deputy J.H. Jenkins stopped his cruiser and gave chase on foot, according to magistrate court records.

Jenkins caught up to the lawnmower after a short chase, but Ginevan allegedly wouldn't stop, so the deputy pulled him off the machine. Ginevan refused to take a field sobriety test and was arrested. Jenkins then found a case of beer strapped to the lawnmower's front, court records show.

Ginevan was charged with fleeing while driving under the influence and obstructing an officer. He was being held Tuesday at the Eastern Regional Jail on $7,500 bond.

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A New Zealand man has been charged with driving a lawn mower while drunk, police said Tuesday.

Richard Gunn, 52, was driving the lawn mower down a street in the northern New Zealand town of Dargaville late Monday evening when police stopped him, police spokeswoman Sarah Kennett said.

Gunn's breath alcohol level was at more than twice the legal limit for drivers, police said, and he previously had lost his driver's license.

Gunn said he has been using the lawn mower to get around town since losing his license.

"I thought I was safe," he told TV One News.

Even bicycles went faster than the lawn mower's 5 mph, he said. "I've watched them go past me."

Gunn was scheduled to appear in court later this week on charges of careless driving, driving while disqualified and driving with excess breath alcohol. He faces a potential prison term if convicted.

Police impounded the lawn mower for 28 days.

Leather,

When a woman wear's leather clothing, A Man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, be goes weak in the knees, and be begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why??????

She smells like a new truck!

The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is ' the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

Brooklyn Tony ON MATH

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says h e got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

The teacher asked ' How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully"

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!' "

Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER

Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Brooklyn Tony re plied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business YOU GOTTA LOVE TONY...........

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed! And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking??

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $ 1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $ 2.50 HAND-JOB: $ 100.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger!"

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a

CUT -glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Brain Teasers

BRAIN TEASERS

1. Some months have 30 days; some have 31; how many months have 28 days?

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

3. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

7. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?

8. How far can a dog run into the woods?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

13. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?

14. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?

15. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?

ANSWERS:

1. All 12 have 28 days

2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

3. Light the match first.

4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North Pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.

6. Yes, and a 5th, a 6th,...

7. I thought Noah brought 2 of each animal, not Moses.

8. Halfway, then he would be running out of the woods.

9. The time/month/date/year of an American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.

10. No. You can't marry someone if you're dead!

11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

12. The temperature.

13. A half-dollar and a nickel. (Only one was not a nickel)

14. 9 sheep

15. 70