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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is ' the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking." Brooklyn Tony ON MATH Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says h e got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. The teacher asked ' How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully" She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!' " Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Brooklyn Tony re plied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business YOU GOTTA LOVE TONY........... |
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Destin FL
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Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red . She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed! And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?? |
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Destin FL
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A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $ 1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $ 2.50 HAND-JOB: $ 100.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The old biker replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger!" |
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Destin FL
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a CUT -glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.' |
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Milwaukee WI
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Brain Teasers
BRAIN TEASERS 1. Some months have 30 days; some have 31; how many months have 28 days? 2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it? 3. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first? 4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear? 5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three? 6. Do they have a 4th of July in England? 7. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him? 8. How far can a dog run into the woods? 9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th. 10. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister? 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field? 12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move? 13. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. What are the coins? 14. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left? 15. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?
ANSWERS: 1. All 12 have 28 days 2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two. 3. Light the match first. 4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North Pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear. 5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three. 6. Yes, and a 5th, a 6th,... 7. I thought Noah brought 2 of each animal, not Moses. 8. Halfway, then he would be running out of the woods. 9. The time/month/date/year of an American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78. 10. No. You can't marry someone if you're dead! 11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack. 12. The temperature. 13. A half-dollar and a nickel. (Only one was not a nickel) 14. 9 sheep 15. 70 |
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Destin FL
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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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Destin FL
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At bedtime one night, the wife became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders, the small of her back and then over her breasts, touching them lightly. He proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first up one side and down the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then did the same to her right thigh. The wife was squirming with desire when her husband suddenly stopped and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, " I found the remote!" |
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Destin FL
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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas.
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom; undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat." |
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Milwaukee WI
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had.....???" |
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Milwaukee WI
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No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.' On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars. Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. 'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?' Sally said, 'No.' Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.' Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.' The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning' Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ' The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.' |
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Destin FL
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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