He goes up to the barman and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'

Well, you pay £10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.' The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'

Pay first, that's the rules.' says the barman.

So the man gives him the £10 and the barman drops it into the jar.

OK,' the barman says. 'Here's what you need to do:

First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a very large pit bull chained-up out the back with a sore tooth.

You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had a sexual experience in her life and has always wanted to give it a try.

You've got to make things right for her.

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my £10, but I'm not stupid mate, I won't Do it - you'd have to be completely mental to drink a gallon of pepper

Tequila, and then do those other things...'

'Fair enough', says the barman, 'but your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on and the man has a few more bevys, then a few more, he shouts over to the barman, 'Wherz zat tequila?'

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the Punters in the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the pub, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

Now,' he says. 'Where's this old woman with the sore tooth?'

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender, says 'You'll not be drinking any more Paddy.'

Paddy replies 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his

stool and steps off he falls flat on his face. 'What the....' he says and pulls

himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.

Damn!' he says. He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get

to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels

much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jezus.. I'm soused,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He

crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and

looks inside. He takes a lookup the stairs and says, 'No flapping way.'

But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, 'I think

I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face

again He says, 'This is hell. I gotta stop drinking,' but manages to crawl to the bed and falls in.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says,

'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was totally pissfaced. But how'd you know?

''Mick called..... You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me.

See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out:

"Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!"

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate a syrup - Dead Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affection your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time: I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unforunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer th an three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less that 3/4 in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

continued

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked my up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above and fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-________, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at the point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. apparently I crapped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!!

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!!' 'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven .

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite choco late chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whale realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!

*****sorry, I know it was corny!!!!*****