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Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own : Swingers Discussion 876181051
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

Emeryville CA
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First date questions: Lady: Do you drink? Man: Yes Lady: How much a day? Man: 3 six packs Lady: How much per six pack Man: about $10.00 Lady: And how long have you been drinking? Man: 15 years Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady: No Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari?

Tulare CA
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Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories. His professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99 Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

Tulare CA
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1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed,' many men still sleep with their wives!

Tulare CA
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IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD 1)You can't count your hair. 2)You can't wash your eyes with soap. 3)You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person. (This was just a test!) Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter 'P' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

Have a great Day.

Laugh, and then Laugh and sing.

"It's a Beautiful Morning" even when it's not. "DO NOT REGRET GROWING OLDER.

IT IS A PRIVILEGE DENIED TO MANY."

Tulare CA
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Mating call of the wild blonde bimbo~ "Oh! I'm so drunk!"

Mating call of the brunette~ "Is that blonde gone yet?"

Mating call of the ugly chick~ "AH-HEM! I said, I'M SOOOO DRUNK!!!"

Mcallen TX
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Alaska Retirement Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00." "Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!" "Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

Tulare CA
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Taken from another site (give credit where it is due)

A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all his beer had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!" ______________________________________________ Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. .... It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!" ______________________________________________ I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day. _____________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going. "I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!" ____________________________________________________ I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what? _____________________________________________________ The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer .

Wayne NJ
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.

She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'

'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping Mrs. Jones comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!

Tulare CA
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What a clever lymerick! Did you cross-post in that thread??? If you didn't, you should!

Mcallen TX
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own