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Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own : Swingers Discussion 8761810502
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Things Never Heard In The Promised Land (the South)

A Southerner Will NEVER Say . . . Author Unknown (Sent by Joe Waldrop)

We don't keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Wrasslin's fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We're vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I'll have grapefruit instead of a bowl of gravy. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering? Give me the SMALL bag of pork rinds.

Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. The tires on that truck are too big.

I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. I don't have a favorite college team. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Elvis who?

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

Destin FL
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25 FAVORITE WAYS TO ANNOY A YANKEE!

Author Unknown (Forwarded to Me From List on Internet)

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

2. Pronounce all one-syllable words as if they had two syllables.

3. When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses them no end!

4. Talk REAL slow, and (even when you hear them the first time) always ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

7. Refer to every soft drink as a "Coke."

8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie, John Michael, Jim Bob, etc. . . .)

11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can".

14. Put Tabasco on everything.

15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!", say "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies . . . preferably the banana ones.

17. Name all of your children "Bubba".

18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.

19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut off" lights. "Carry" the kids to school. Always remember (especially in Texas) it's not a "pond", it's a "tank."

20. Never simply "do" something. Always be "fixin' to do" something.

21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations . . . Offends the devil out of 'em.

23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP.

Anyway, turn right there . . . " "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town . . . "

24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

25. Call 'em a yankee. Works every time! (Just a joke, folks! Some of my best friends are - - - - - - - ) (Edited from one sent to us on the internet. - Author Unknown)

Destin FL
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Reno NV
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I wish I'd thought of this... At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1,2,4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

Destin FL
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No problem Desty. My apologies to you and anyone else I offended. :)

Spencer TN
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Please kids, Not in a jokes and funnies topic, I started this thread and can have SLS delete it. I like you both on here and refuse to take sides, so am asking politely. Thank you

Destin FL
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,

so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,

Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.

Tell him a hundred bucks.

If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, How much?

She says,A hundred dollars.

He says Shit. All I've got is thirty.

She says,Hold on.

She runs back to Harry and says, ;What can he get for thirty dollars?

Harry says, ;A hand job

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants,

and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, I'll be right back.

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly,

Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?

Spencer TN
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How do you make a cat go woof? Douse it with gasoline and toss it in the fireplace.

What do you call a gay guy with the shits? Juicy Fruit

Spencer TN
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What do you get when you put 50 lawyers and 50 lesbians in one room?

100 people who dont do dick!

Spencer TN
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Three nuns are sitting on a park bench when a flasher walks up to them and opens his trenchcoat. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun also had a stroke. The third nun wouldn't touch it at all.

Spencer TN
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