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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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what women would do if they had a penis for a day 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

Destin FL
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Check your Dirty IQ! Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:

1. a dentist 2. a wedding ring 3. peanut butter 4.chewing gum 5. an elevator 6. a nose 7. a newspaper boy 8. a glove 9. a crane 10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?

Destin FL
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Here I thought my favorite pickup line was my Ford F150....

Destin FL
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Hey that has to be Jerry Lee Lewis and she was his cousin too

Destin FL
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The City of New York High School Math Proficiency Exam

NAME:____________________ GANG NAME:______________________

1.) Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2.) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3.) Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4.) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5.) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6.) Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoe that spent his money?

7.) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8.) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9.) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?

10.) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

Destin FL
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You Might be a Yankee If... 1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5) You don't know what a moon pie is.

6) You've never had grain alcohol.

7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra.

8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

10) You have no idea what a polecat is.

11) Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

13) You don't have bangs.

14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.

20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

21) You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.

22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on An on*ramp on the highway.

23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

25) You call binoculars opera glasses.

26) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

27) You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.

28) You don't know what appliqued is.

29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.

30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

32) You've never been to a craft show.

33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

34) You can't do your laundry without quarters.

35) None of your fur coats are homemade.

Destin FL
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Things Never Heard In The Promised Land (the South)

A Southerner Will NEVER Say . . . Author Unknown (Sent by Joe Waldrop)

We don't keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Wrasslin's fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We're vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I'll have grapefruit instead of a bowl of gravy. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering? Give me the SMALL bag of pork rinds.

Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. The tires on that truck are too big.

I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. I don't have a favorite college team. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Elvis who?

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

Destin FL
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25 FAVORITE WAYS TO ANNOY A YANKEE!

Author Unknown (Forwarded to Me From List on Internet)

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

2. Pronounce all one-syllable words as if they had two syllables.

3. When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses them no end!

4. Talk REAL slow, and (even when you hear them the first time) always ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

7. Refer to every soft drink as a "Coke."

8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie, John Michael, Jim Bob, etc. . . .)

11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can".

14. Put Tabasco on everything.

15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!", say "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies . . . preferably the banana ones.

17. Name all of your children "Bubba".

18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.

19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut off" lights. "Carry" the kids to school. Always remember (especially in Texas) it's not a "pond", it's a "tank."

20. Never simply "do" something. Always be "fixin' to do" something.

21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations . . . Offends the devil out of 'em.

23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP.

Anyway, turn right there . . . " "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town . . . "

24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

25. Call 'em a yankee. Works every time! (Just a joke, folks! Some of my best friends are - - - - - - - ) (Edited from one sent to us on the internet. - Author Unknown)

Destin FL
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Reno NV
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I wish I'd thought of this... At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1,2,4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

Destin FL
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own