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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger!

In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days!

But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,' I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, 'Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time...........

BRING POSSE!!!!

Destin FL
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Seniors at the Dr's. Office

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong; and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk ....

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Recept ionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

East Ridge TN
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A 5 year old's first job...

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond

Formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some

Construction workers that will make you believe

That we all can make a difference when we give

a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a

Vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began

To build a house on the empty lot. The young

family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an

Interest in the goings-on and spent much of

Each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them

'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her

As a kind of project mascot. They chatted with

Her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her

Little jobs to do here and there to make her feel

Important. At the end of the first week, they even

Presented her with a pay envelope containing ten

Dollars. The little girl took this home to her

Mother who suggested that she take her ten

Dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next

Day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the

Teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl

How she had come by her very own pay check at

Such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,

'I worked last week with a real construction crew

Building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will

You be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at

Home Depot ever deliver the f _ ckin' sheet rock.'

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

Destin FL
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While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a Pennsylvania State Trooper with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The Trooper pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the Trooper, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. The Trooper stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Ticket ------------------------ $95.00 Court Costs ----------------- $45.00 Look on Trooper's face - --- Priceless

Destin FL
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So he went to the doctor because he was concerned about his sexuality.

He says: "Doctor, I'm worried, I'm getting married and I think I may be gay."

The doctor said, "Well, take off your pants and we'll run a couple of tests."

Rez does so and the doctor grabs his penis. Doctor: "Say 55."

Rez: "55"

The doctor then grabs his balls.

Doctor: "Say 55."

Rez: "55"

Doctor: "Now turn around and bend over."

Rez does so, and the doctor sticks his finger up his ass.

Doctor: "Say 55."

Rez: "1....2....3..."

San Diego CA
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HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversati on wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

Destin FL
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" What a Coincidence "

A chicken farmer goes to a local bar, sits next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up, and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' he says, 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating!'

This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating, ' says the woman.

'What a coincidence,' says the man. As they toasted glasses, he asks, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my Gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs!'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I switched cocks,' he replies.

She smiles, blushes, and says, 'What a coincidence

Destin FL
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An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community can't tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Teaneck NJ
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Sometimes curiosity...... ........can be downright painful

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all of the patients were outside, shouting, '13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the Planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting, '14....14....14'

Destin FL
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked. At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' 'What did you watch?', asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.' The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio. When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the bejabbers out of her, not once, but three times.

Destin FL
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