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HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversati on wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

Destin FL
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" What a Coincidence "

A chicken farmer goes to a local bar, sits next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up, and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' he says, 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating!'

This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating, ' says the woman.

'What a coincidence,' says the man. As they toasted glasses, he asks, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my Gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs!'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I switched cocks,' he replies.

She smiles, blushes, and says, 'What a coincidence

Destin FL
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An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community can't tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Teaneck NJ
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Sometimes curiosity...... ........can be downright painful

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all of the patients were outside, shouting, '13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the Planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting, '14....14....14'

Destin FL
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked. At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' 'What did you watch?', asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.' The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio. When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the bejabbers out of her, not once, but three times.

Destin FL
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OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. ' Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. ' We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Destin FL
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Marriage Counseling

After 15 years of marriage a husband and wife went to a marriage counselor.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Destin FL
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1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. '

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!'

Destin FL
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The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon Or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it..

That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directio ns and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.

Pumpkin i s also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is..

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,

Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,

absolutely anything you wear is fine.... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball Or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; < SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-VARIANT: small-caps"> But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Destin FL
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Hillary to Bill: Did you ever think, in your wildest dreams, that I would be this close to clinching the nomination?

Bill to Hillary: You haven't ever been in my wildest dreams!

Atlanta GA
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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