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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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> > > > > > > > Here are some little known, very interesting facts > > about Texas . > > > > 1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles > > > > 2. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles > > > > 3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas > > > > 4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos , July 4, 1883 . > > > > 5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel > > in North America built over water. > > > > 6. The Heisman Trophy ws named after John William > > Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice > > University in Houston . > > > > 7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any > > other area in North America . > > > > 8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North > > America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes. > > > > 9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978. > > > > 10. The worst natural disaster in U.S . history was in > > 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives > > were lost on Galveston Island . > > > > 11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969 > > , was " Houston .." > > > > 12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode > > Island . > > > > 13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall > > record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July > > of 1979. > > > > 14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by > > TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the > > Republic of Texas to enter the Union ) instead of by > > annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the > > same height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 > > states. > > > > 15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be > > 1500 years old. > > > > 16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state. > > > > 17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is > > no period in Dr Pepper. > > > > 18. Texas has had six capital cities: > > Washington-on-the Brazos, Harrisburg , Galveston , > > Velasco, West Columbia and Austin . > > > > 19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the > > U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in > > Washington DC (by 7 feet). > > > > 20. The name " Texas " comes from the Hasini Indian > > word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for > > Texas . > > > > 21.. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting > > bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have > > four babies. They have one egg, which splits into > > four, and they either have four males or four > > females.). > > > > 22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the > > Astrodome in Houston .

Destin FL
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Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks > > from Texas ... > > > > If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and > > they don't work there, you may live in Texas ; > > > > If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, > > you may live in Texas ; > > > > If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with > > someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in > > Texas ; > > > > If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for > > the weekend, you may live in Texas ; > > > > If you measure distance in hours, you may live in > > Texas ; > > > > If you know several people who have hit a deer more > > than once, you may live in Texas ; > > > > If you install security lights on your house and > > garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas > > ; > > > > If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife > > knows how to use them, you may live in Texas ; > > > > If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're > > going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in > > Texas ; > > > > If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly," you may live > > in Texas ; > > > > If you actually understand these jokes, and share them > > with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in > > Texas .

Destin FL
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Need to be cheered up? > > > > Happy, Texas 79042 > > Pep , Texas 79353 > > Smiley , Texas 78159 > > Paradise , Texas 76073 > > Rainbow , Texas 76077 > > Sweet Home , Texas 77987 > > Comfort , Texas 78013 > > Friendship, Texas 76530 > > > > Love the Sun? > > > > Sun City , Texas 78628 > > Sunrise , Texas 76661 > > Sunset, Texas 76270 > > Sundown, Texas 79372 > > Sunray , Texas 79086 > > Sunny Side , Texas 77423 > > > > Want something to eat? > > > > Bacon , Texas 76301 > > Noodle , Texas 79536 > > Oatmeal , Texas 78605 > > Turkey , Texas 79261 > > Trout , Texas 75789 > > Sugar Land , Texas 77479 > > Salty, Texas 76567 > > Rice , Texas 75155 > > And top it off with: > > Sweetwater , Texas 79556 > > > > Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all! > > > > Detroit , Texas 75436 > > Colorado City , Texas 79512 > > Denver City , Texas 79323 > > Klondike , Texas 75448 > > Nevada , Texas 75173 > > Memphis , Texas 79245 > > Miami , Texas 79059 > > Boston , Texas 75570 > > Santa Fe , Texas 77517 > > Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861 > > Reno , Texas 75462 > > > > Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother > > buying a plane ticket! > > > > Athens , Texas 75751 > > Canadian, Texas 79014 > > China , Texas 77613 > > Egypt , Texas 77436 > > Ireland , Texas 76538 > > Turkey , Texas 79261 > > London , Texas 76854 > > New London , Texas 75682 > > Paris , Texas 75460 > > > > No need to travel to Washington D.C. > > > > Whitehouse , Texas 75791 > > > > We even have a city named after our planet! > > > > Earth , Texas 79031 > > > > And a city named after our State! > > > > Texas City , Texas 77590 > > > > Exhausted? > > > > Energy , Texas 76452 > > > > Cold? > > > > Blanket , Texas 76432 > > > > Winters, Texas > > > > Like to read about History? > > > > Santa Anna , Texas > > > > Goliad , Texas > > > > Alamo , Texas > > > > Gun Barrel City , Texas > > > > Robert lee, Texas > > > > > > Need Office Supplies? > > > > Staples, Texas 78670 > > > > Men are from Mars, women are from Venus , Texas 76084 > > > > You guessed it..it's on the state line.. > > > > Texline , Texas 79087 > > > > For the kids... > > > > Kermit , Texas 79745 > > Elmo , Texas 75118 > > Nemo , Texas 76070 > > Tarzan , Texas 79783 > > Winnie , Texas 77665 > > Sylvester , Texas 79560 > > > > Other city names in Texas , to make you smile..... > > > > Frognot , Texas 75424 > > Bigfoot , Texas 78005 > > Hogeye , Texas 75423 > > Cactus , Texas 79013 > > Notrees , Texas 79759 > > Best, Texas 76932 > > Veribest , Texas 76886 > > Kickapoo , Texas 75763 > > Dime Box , Texas 77853 > > Old Dime Box , Texas 77853 > > Telephone , Texas 75488 > > Telegraph , Texas 76883 > > Whiteface , Texas 79379 > > Twitty, Texas 79079 > > > > And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City > > > > Kilgore , Texas 75662 > > > > And our favorites... > > > > Cut n Shoot, Texas > > Gun Barrell City , Texas > > Hoop And Holler, Texas > > Ding Dong, Texas and, of course, > > Muleshoe , Texas

Destin FL
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GLASS OF MILK One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.

He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.

Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water! She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"

You don't owe me anything,' she replied. 'Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness.'

He said ... 'Then I thank you from my heart.'

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.

Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.

He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case. After a long struggle, the battle was won.

Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge, and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words ...

'Paid in full with one glass of milk'

(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: 'Thank You, God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands.'

-----

There's a saying which goes something like this:

Bread cast on the water comes back to you.

The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time.

If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about?

Destin FL
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There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

Destin FL
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You've got mail, the Blonde version A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail". ________ Blonde paint job A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." ________ the funniest blonde joke I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Destin FL
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Signs That You are Too Drunk You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

Destin FL
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Selling the Wife A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

Destin FL
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the perfect day The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm. 7:00 Shower and massage. 7:30 Blowjob. 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30 Blowjob. 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

Destin FL
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Newly wed couple this newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:

wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.

husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.

wife: i'm flat chested.

husband: i don't believe u..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.

wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.

husband: im "weighed like a baby".

wife: i don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

Destin FL
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