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A Frickin' Elephant

Jake is five and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, 'Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!'

Deep breath... 'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!' and so it does...

' A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

Destin FL
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... "com-for-da-bul

Destin FL
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hmmm also the biggest sporting event in the world, I am sure those good ole boys are laughing all the way to the bank.

Destin FL
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NASCAR

Non, Athletic, Sport, Centered, Around, Rednecks,

Milwaukee WI
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I love Melissa!

Destin FL
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Touching Story

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: "No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard."

"I know, " Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker."

Milwaukee WI
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LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE........... Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby? A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast? A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a lamb under each arm? A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it. Q. What's the difference between a Southern Zoo and a Northern Zoo?

A. The Southern Zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage - along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale??? A. A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."

Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."!

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States!

Destin FL
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http ://www*hurtwood*demon*co*uk/Fun/copter.swf

Destin FL
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LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE I like to be an equal opportunity offender...lol

........... Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby? A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast? A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a lamb under each arm? A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a Southern Zoo and a Northern Zoo?

A. The Southern Zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage - along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale??? A. A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."

Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."!

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States!

Destin FL
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The husband leans over and asks his wife ,

"Do you remember the first time

we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation

and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. T he old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Destin FL
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