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Saw this sign under a Stop sign...

NEED HELP, CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did, left a message with name, phone number and address.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower

Destin FL
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Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick !

Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'? A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds.

Q: W hat's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A . They don't have balls to scratch!

OH, don't groan.

You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody

Destin FL
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Larry gets home late one night and, Barbara, his wife says,'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were y ou thinking ?' she said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

'Well . . .

One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 223 at Riverside Methodist Hospital

Destin FL
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The Vibrator

AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?' THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY. THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?' THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'

East Ridge TN
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An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of carya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He passes the old man and is feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "Are you okay?.... Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

Destin FL
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That was GROSS and FUNNY!

Destin FL
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THE WORLDS GROSSEST JOKE:

A couple gets married. They check into a hotel on their honeymoon night. At 5 a.m. the next morning the groom comes downstairs dressed in fishing clothes and carrying a rod and reel. The desk clerk says "Where are you going?" The groom says "I'm going fishing, I really love to fish." The clerk says "but you just got married yesterday." The groom replies "I know but I really love to fish. I go every chance I get." The clerk gives him a confused look and says, "You should be upstairs making love to your new wife." The groom replies, "Well, between you and me, my wife has VD." The clerk says, "Oh come on, there's other things you can do." The groom says "I know what you mean but...she's also got hemmorhoids and a gum disease." The clerk is shocked and says, "Damn, with all those diseases, what the hell did you marry her for?" The groom says, "Well...she's also got worms.....and like I said, I really love to fish."

Manville NJ
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Joke of the Year? Really no joke at all...

This was nominated for best joke of the year - worth sharing.

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. Th ank yo u for having such a beautiful country here in America !" The person says,I not American, I Vietnam ese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" Th at person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says , "No, I am from Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!!!!!!!

Destin FL
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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long it has been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorra,"said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

Destin FL
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Why am I Married? You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

*(my favorite, of course!!! LOL) When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him!

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son." Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First girl says, "My husband's an angel!" Second girl remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

" A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand a man , to love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death."

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind m an as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

Caro MI
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