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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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Touching Story

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: "No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard."

"I know, " Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker."

Milwaukee WI
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LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE........... Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby? A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast? A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a lamb under each arm? A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it. Q. What's the difference between a Southern Zoo and a Northern Zoo?

A. The Southern Zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage - along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale??? A. A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."

Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."!

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States!

Destin FL
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http ://www*hurtwood*demon*co*uk/Fun/copter.swf

Destin FL
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LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE I like to be an equal opportunity offender...lol

........... Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby? A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast? A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a lamb under each arm? A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a Southern Zoo and a Northern Zoo?

A. The Southern Zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage - along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale??? A. A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."

Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."!

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States!

Destin FL
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The husband leans over and asks his wife ,

"Do you remember the first time

we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation

and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. T he old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Destin FL
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Best Fishing Joke Ever

A man was on the water for his monthly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8 lb. bass on the first cast and a 7 lb. on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up, he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best fishing day ever.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.

He was jubilant....then he remembered his wife!

Feeling terribly guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He ran up to the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your poor wife has been languishing in the ICU! I hope you really enjoyed yourself, because it will more than likely be the last fishing trip you will ever take! For the rest of her life your wife will be paralyzed and require around the clock care, and you'll be her caregiver forever!'

The man felt so horrible at what he had done that he broke down and sobbed.

Then the doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messin' with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

Destin FL
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Old Farts Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold! There sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you ?' Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for ?' 'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blond waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go ?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her ?' 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Destin FL
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for A few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't Move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Daily Thought: Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Destin FL
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A lovely story about Jim and Edna.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Destin FL
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A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him , a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My Wife's "

"What happened to her ?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her ."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Destin FL
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own