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NEVER CHEAT ON A SOUTHERN WOMAN!

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said...

"Nope. I'm gon na set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."

Destin FL
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1:00 P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 9:00 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'

This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!

Destin FL
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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE : 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! Thoughts for the weekend: Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over? If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Ponderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?' Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.' If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? But Most Of All, Remember! A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Destin FL
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A Businessman arrived home 2 days early from a trip late one night.

Not wanting to wake anyone in the house including his wife that he knew worked long hard hours at her job he took his shoes off, tiptoed up the stairs to the bedroom. He silently got undressed, slide into bed and quietly laid there with his back to her in the darkness of the room. After about 5 minutes she rolled over reached her arm over him and took him in her hand and began to stroke him. He instantly became hard & thought, this is nice I need to come home early like this more often, she hasn't done this in a long time.

He decided to return the favor, he across & to his surprise she wasn't wearing any panties. He spread her legs & went down on her. God she felt softer and tasted better and was wetter than she had ever had been before, he couldn't help staying down on her longer than he ever did. Getting her on her knees he did her doggie style spanking her as he did so.

Finishing and near total exhaustion he forced himself to get up and go into the master bathroom to clean himself up. Opening the door he found soft music on and the bathroom lit only with candle light. There lay his wife soaking in a hot realxing bath. "What the hell are you doing in here?" him shouted.

She responded, "Quiet you fool, you'll wake my Mother!"

Milwaukee WI
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I like to see peoples faces when I ask them this one.

Q: If a cat was rowing a boat in your backyard, how many pancakes would it take to fill up your house?

A: None, because marshmallows don't have bones!

Columbus OH
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WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part....

'Only when he's been drinking.'

Destin FL
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A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in The middle had a pink weenie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In Fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.' After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really About?'' Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple. 'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

Rochester NY
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too funny!

Destin FL
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LOL, going to walmart to try some of these out...I already add condoms to other peoples carts when they are not looking

Destin FL
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Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

{1.} At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2.. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

{5.} Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

{6.} In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Sexual Favors'

7.. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'

8 Don't use any punctuation

{9.} As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

{10.} Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

{11.} Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14.. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,Rock Bottom.

{17.} When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

{18.} When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!' {this one for SURE<<}

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.. ......

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called .......therapy

Destin FL
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