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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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Best Fishing Joke Ever

A man was on the water for his monthly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8 lb. bass on the first cast and a 7 lb. on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up, he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best fishing day ever.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.

He was jubilant....then he remembered his wife!

Feeling terribly guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He ran up to the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your poor wife has been languishing in the ICU! I hope you really enjoyed yourself, because it will more than likely be the last fishing trip you will ever take! For the rest of her life your wife will be paralyzed and require around the clock care, and you'll be her caregiver forever!'

The man felt so horrible at what he had done that he broke down and sobbed.

Then the doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messin' with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

Destin FL
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Old Farts Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold! There sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you ?' Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for ?' 'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blond waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go ?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her ?' 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Destin FL
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for A few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't Move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Daily Thought: Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Destin FL
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A lovely story about Jim and Edna.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Destin FL
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A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him , a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My Wife's "

"What happened to her ?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her ."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Destin FL
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The ultimate blond joke....... > > A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the > alligator upon the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. I will > open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator > will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth and > I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, > each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. > The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his > Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator > closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. > After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator > hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man > removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the > first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and > made another offer. > 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over > the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A > Blonde woman timidly spoke up..... 'I'll try it, but just don't hit me > so hard with the beer bottle!'

San Antonio TX
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After nearly forty years in practice as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. John tossed and turned in bed that night, dreading the next morning when the exam scores would be returned.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam.

John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. But tell me, how did I earn a score of 150%?"

The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

Destin FL
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Waiting For An Operation A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

Destin FL
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Two Kids ... Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

Destin FL
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You and Your Computer You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor*com You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask. You move into a new house and you decide to netscape before you landscape. Your family always knows where you are. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL" After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

Destin FL
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