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TOPIC: Jokes_and_Funnies_feel_free_to_add_your_own
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A Businessman arrived home 2 days early from a trip late one night.

Not wanting to wake anyone in the house including his wife that he knew worked long hard hours at her job he took his shoes off, tiptoed up the stairs to the bedroom. He silently got undressed, slide into bed and quietly laid there with his back to her in the darkness of the room. After about 5 minutes she rolled over reached her arm over him and took him in her hand and began to stroke him. He instantly became hard & thought, this is nice I need to come home early like this more often, she hasn't done this in a long time.

He decided to return the favor, he across & to his surprise she wasn't wearing any panties. He spread her legs & went down on her. God she felt softer and tasted better and was wetter than she had ever had been before, he couldn't help staying down on her longer than he ever did. Getting her on her knees he did her doggie style spanking her as he did so.

Finishing and near total exhaustion he forced himself to get up and go into the master bathroom to clean himself up. Opening the door he found soft music on and the bathroom lit only with candle light. There lay his wife soaking in a hot realxing bath. "What the hell are you doing in here?" him shouted.

She responded, "Quiet you fool, you'll wake my Mother!"

Milwaukee WI
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I like to see peoples faces when I ask them this one.

Q: If a cat was rowing a boat in your backyard, how many pancakes would it take to fill up your house?

A: None, because marshmallows don't have bones!

Columbus OH
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WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part....

'Only when he's been drinking.'

Destin FL
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A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in The middle had a pink weenie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In Fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.' After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really About?'' Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple. 'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

Rochester NY
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too funny!

Destin FL
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LOL, going to walmart to try some of these out...I already add condoms to other peoples carts when they are not looking

Destin FL
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Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

{1.} At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2.. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

{5.} Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

{6.} In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Sexual Favors'

7.. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'

8 Don't use any punctuation

{9.} As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

{10.} Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

{11.} Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14.. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,Rock Bottom.

{17.} When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

{18.} When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!' {this one for SURE<<}

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.. ......

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called .......therapy

Destin FL
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What You Expect Is Where We Begin” - A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

One&nb sp;Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who pu t trash in our baskets."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A little boy opened the big a nd old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit".

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he prea ched, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You' re not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grand mother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

Destin FL
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I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So then, you go to college: play sports, date, drink, and party. After that you're at high school, become very popular because you are so mature, are an excellent athlete after your experience in college, and the first love is not your first, so you know how to handle yourself.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Destin FL
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MY FRIEND GAVE BIRTH AT 65.

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. "May I see the new baby?" I asked.

"Not yet," She said "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, "May I see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked,

"Well, when can I see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM............ O.K.?!!!!

Destin FL
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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