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WOMEN ARE EVIL A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her Immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied. 'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. 'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?' 'Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. 'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say. 'Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

Willow Grove PA
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Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female.... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.! Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter -tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion. Male.... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female.... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.< /FONT> Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. AND... He said ..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said ..... You wear pants don't you?

He said ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ..... What have you been doing with all the grocery m oney I gave you? She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ..... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said ..... We don't know; it has never happened.

He said .... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? She said .... They already have boyfriends.

He said ..... Why are ma rried women heavier than single women? She said . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Destin FL
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There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her,' Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word -

Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food -

Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife -

Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life -

Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before whining about the distance you drive

Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job -

Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who

wish they had your job.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down -

Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.

Destin FL
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A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall, but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks, the two went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs, and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told, and soon she felt the biggest thing she had ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

Rochester NY
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A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

Rochester NY
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You can't read these and stay in a bad mood :

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko..

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him..

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

Destin FL
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Newton's Matrimonial Correlation:

A body in motion tends to remain in motion until it comes to a sputtering, stuttering, heaving halt two minutes before another body wants it to.

Weslaco TX
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The Moral Of This Story Is

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! Have a nice day!

Destin FL
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Everyone remembers swatches. They were the watches from Switzerland. Good thing they weren't from Croatia, I guess we would have called them crotches? "What time is it? Let me look at my crotch". Just like a timex it takes a licking and keeps ticking

Redondo Beach CA
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A 3yr. old boy is sittin' in the bathtub.. his mom is giving him a bath. The little fella looks down between his legs, at his testicles. He looks up at his mother, and wrinkles up his nose, points down there, and asks, "Mommy, are those my brains? Mom just reaches out, pats him on the head, and says, "Not yet, Sweetheart. Not yet...".

Visalia CA
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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