Help
FORUMS › General Discussions › Jokes and Funnies › Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
TOPIC: Jokes_and_Funnies_feel_free_to_add_your_own
« Prev  1 ...  43.1  44.1  45.1  46.1  47.1  48.1  49.1  50.1  51.1  52.1  ... 69  Next »
472 to 481 of 683
User Details are only visible to members.
LOL...too easy and funny.

Destin FL
Username hidden
(14562 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
My funny story of the day,, might be in the dumb criminals category.

This morning a little after midnight, I'm in my patrol car, with my duty belt on parked on the side of the road by the base. A car drives up, parks next to me with engine still running. The driver lowers the window and begins talking to me, telling me how he got into an argument with his fiance and was looking for her, and that maybe she'd drive by. I'm about 4 feet from the passenger side window, and smell a faint smell of alcohol. I let him talk, go around to the driver side, and the alcohol smell gets stronger, plus I notice he's in a bath robe. I ask him to get out of the car, I reach in turn off the engine, and take the keys. I then inform him that he is under investigation for dui. I get some back up officers to come out, let the guys fiance bring some clothes and give him the Field Sobriety Maneuvers. He fails, so I transport him to the stations, and he refuses to test for BAC. Implied consent state, instant license revocation. This is definately the easiest DUI case to get for cop. Hope you like the story folks.

Port St Lucie FL
Username hidden
(188 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
Fornication

SEX is a TRANSACTION, With emotional currency, You're either lucky or an arsehole, If you're getting it for free, Some are prepared to barter flesh, For company or affection, A house, a car, a family, Money or protection, When morality is attached to Guilt can reduce the pleasure, Whereby with uninhibited Comes ecstasy without measure.

There are those whom believe that, SEX is just for procreation, While there are others for whom it is, Their favourite recreation, There are people who only have, SEX over the phone, And others who are happy, To do it on their own, There are some who really get off, On lingerie and leather, And those who simply prefer, To masturbate together.

East Ridge TN
Username hidden
(4029 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $4664. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back .... same scenario! I departed the store with the $4664. They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door. They Walk Among Us! One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'? They Walk Among Us! While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.' They Walk Among Us!! I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.' They Walk Among Us! My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us! My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among Us! I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?' They Walk Among Us! While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.' They Walk Among Us, and they Reproduce, but Worst of all ............

THEY VOTE

Destin FL
Username hidden
(14562 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
LOL @ DG, I was hoping all would get it...but you know there are some blonds here..

Destin FL
Username hidden
(14562 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
LIFE AFTER DEATH: "DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY: IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON: ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!! "

SUPPORT A FAMILY: THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS! : A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS: THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS: "OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING: MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTH ER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD . THE WATER PISTOL: WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM H IS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. &nbs p; "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Davie . "Giving up?"

GRANDMA'S AGE:

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?

Destin FL
Username hidden
(14562 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She went on to say that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'Is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is LOL on you!

Destin FL
Username hidden
(14562 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son.. what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.

You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time:

PRICELESS !

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teaneck NJ
Username hidden
(16 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
LIVER & CHEESE

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'

'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'

'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.

'My, my', said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says (ok this is good).....

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

Destin FL
Username hidden
(14562 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a dri nk coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Darn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

East Ridge TN
Username hidden
(4029 posts)
« Prev  1 ...  43.1  44.1  45.1  46.1  47.1  48.1  49.1  50.1  51.1  52.1  ... 69  Next »
472 to 481 of 683
TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
This site does not contain sexually explicit images as defined in 18 U.S.C. 2256.
Accordingly, neither this site nor the contents contained herein are covered by the record-keeping provisions of 18 USC 2257(a)-(c).
Disclaimer: This website contains adult material. You must be over 18 to enter or 21 where applicable by law.
All Members are over 18 years of age.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy
 
Copyright © 1998-2016 DashBoardHosting, LLC. All Rights Reserved.