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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American history. 'Who said, 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death?' '

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he replied.

'Very good!' apprised the teacher. 'Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'

Again, no response except from Pedro: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863.'

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about it's history than you do!'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Mexicans!'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. 'Jim Bowie, 1836.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared and asked, 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Pedro answered, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!'

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, 'Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.'

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!'

Pedro whispered, 'Saddam Hussein, 2003.'

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted 'Duck!'

Teacher asked 'Who said that?

Pedro: 'Dick Cheney -- 2006.'

Destin FL
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Did I say that out loud

This is a great example of 'did I say that out loud???

This happened at The University of Western Ontario last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen, which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.

A female freshman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?'

That's correct,' responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, she asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?'

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat, have a good day.'

East Ridge TN
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Life's little truths. Well from my view. See what happens when one gets in front of a computer with a couple of beers in him...

People don't turn down money, its what separates us form the animals.

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than yourself.

There's a standard formula for success in the entertainment medium and that is: Beat it to death if it succeeds.

Oh, you hate your Job?... There's a support group for that. It's called Everybody, and they meet at the bar.

Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

I fly in dreams, That is my privilege.

Childhood is endless, only ends when you want it to. I'm refusing to grow up.

Alcohol, if you are seeking the truth is better than a lie detector.

Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Milwaukee WI
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LOL...too easy and funny.

Destin FL
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My funny story of the day,, might be in the dumb criminals category.

This morning a little after midnight, I'm in my patrol car, with my duty belt on parked on the side of the road by the base. A car drives up, parks next to me with engine still running. The driver lowers the window and begins talking to me, telling me how he got into an argument with his fiance and was looking for her, and that maybe she'd drive by. I'm about 4 feet from the passenger side window, and smell a faint smell of alcohol. I let him talk, go around to the driver side, and the alcohol smell gets stronger, plus I notice he's in a bath robe. I ask him to get out of the car, I reach in turn off the engine, and take the keys. I then inform him that he is under investigation for dui. I get some back up officers to come out, let the guys fiance bring some clothes and give him the Field Sobriety Maneuvers. He fails, so I transport him to the stations, and he refuses to test for BAC. Implied consent state, instant license revocation. This is definately the easiest DUI case to get for cop. Hope you like the story folks.

Port St Lucie FL
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Fornication

SEX is a TRANSACTION, With emotional currency, You're either lucky or an arsehole, If you're getting it for free, Some are prepared to barter flesh, For company or affection, A house, a car, a family, Money or protection, When morality is attached to Guilt can reduce the pleasure, Whereby with uninhibited Comes ecstasy without measure.

There are those whom believe that, SEX is just for procreation, While there are others for whom it is, Their favourite recreation, There are people who only have, SEX over the phone, And others who are happy, To do it on their own, There are some who really get off, On lingerie and leather, And those who simply prefer, To masturbate together.

East Ridge TN
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They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $4664. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back .... same scenario! I departed the store with the $4664. They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door. They Walk Among Us! One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'? They Walk Among Us! While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.' They Walk Among Us!! I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.' They Walk Among Us! My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us! My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among Us! I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?' They Walk Among Us! While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.' They Walk Among Us, and they Reproduce, but Worst of all ............

THEY VOTE

Destin FL
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LOL @ DG, I was hoping all would get it...but you know there are some blonds here..

Destin FL
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LIFE AFTER DEATH: "DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY: IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON: ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!! "

SUPPORT A FAMILY: THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS! : A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS: THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS: "OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING: MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTH ER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD . THE WATER PISTOL: WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM H IS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. &nbs p; "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Davie . "Giving up?"

GRANDMA'S AGE:

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?

Destin FL
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A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She went on to say that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'Is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is LOL on you!

Destin FL
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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