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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why. "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them!!!!" The room fell silent.
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Tulare CA
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Poor Skunk A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning ?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm ?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell ?" "Just hold its little nose." The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene. |
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Tulare CA
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acouple that had never had sex together, or even seen each other naked, were on their honeymoon {hey, it could happen!} The new bride took off her blouse to expose one breast, in the center of her chest. The groom saw this and excalimed. SHe reassured him, "hey, look at it this way: it's twice as big as most women's". He settled down and she continued to disrobe. WHen she took off her skirt, her vagina was square on her hip instead of between her legs. HE grabbed his coat and said, 'I'm sorry, I've gotta go!", to which she raise her arm, exposing her armpit and said, "FINE! kiss my ass then!"
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Mcallen TX
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How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw... |
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Pittsburgh PA
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TALKING PENNSYLVANIAN
For those who think we Pennsylvanians 'talk funny' or use 'big words'... Once a Pennsylvanian, ALWAYS a Pennsylvanian! About Pennsylvanians: You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but ‘Philly’ and New Jersey has always been ' Jersey .' We don't go to the beach -- we go ‘down the shore.' You refer to Pennsylvania as 'PA' (pronounced Pee-Ay). How many other states do that?? 'You guys' (or even 'youze guys', in some places) is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men and women. You know how to respond to the question ‘Djeetyet?' (Did you eat yet?) You know that the Iggles play football and so do the Stillers. You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre , Schuylkill , the Poconos, Tamaqua, Kutztown, Tunkahannock, Bala Cynwyd, Kishacoquillas, Duquesne and Monongahela, also Conshohocken. And we know Lancaster is pronounced Lank-ister, not Lan-kaster. You know what a ‘Mummer’ is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade. At least five people on your block have electric 'candles' in all or most of their windows all year long. You know what a 'State Store' is, and your out-of-state friends find it incredulous that you can’t purchase liquor at the mini-mart. Words like 'hoagie,' 'crick,' 'chipped ham,' 'dippy eggs', 'sticky buns,' 'shoo-fly pie,' 'lemon sponge pie', 'pierogies' and 'pocketbook' actually mean something to you. (By the way, that last one's PA slang for a purse!) You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors. You know the difference between a cheese steak and a pizza steak sandwich, and you know that you also can't get a really good one anywhere outside of the Philly area. (Except maybe in Atlantic City on the boardwalk.) You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Paradise, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Mars, Bethlehem, Hershey, Indiana, Sinking Spring, Jersey Shore, State College, Washington Crossing, Jim Thorpe, King of Prussia, Wind Gap, and Slippery Rock are all PA towns ... and the first three were consecutive stops on the old Reading RR! (PS - That’s pronounced Redd-ing.) You can identify drivers from New York , New Jersey , Maryland or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits. A traffic jam in Lancaster County is 10 cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway. (And remember ... that’s Lank-ister!) You know several people who have hit deer more than once. Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow. As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were.. You know beer doesn't grow in a garden, but you know where to find a beer garden. You actually understand all this and send it out to other Pennsylvanians or former Pennsylvanians. It's scary, isn't it! YEAH! THAT'S GOOD OL' ‘PA’ AND WE LOVE IT! |
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Chesapeake VA
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OK, I know, I know. This is going to offend. But it is funny.
Chicago Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations! NAME__________________________________ GANG/CREW NAME_______________________ CRIB__________________________________ 1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload? 2. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit? 3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit? 4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside? 5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother's bail? 6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? 7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over? 8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up? 9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income? 10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked? |
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Tulare CA
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Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.' Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...' MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them. |
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Apollo PA
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What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4hours?
Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism. Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.' The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses. |
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Emeryville CA
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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?" The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!" |
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Emeryville CA
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First date questions: Lady: Do you drink? Man: Yes Lady: How much a day? Man: 3 six packs Lady: How much per six pack Man: about $10.00 Lady: And how long have you been drinking? Man: 15 years Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady: No Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari?
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Tulare CA
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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