I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled." .

Did you hear...?

The Energizer Bunny was arrested.

He has been charged with battery.

A female archaeologists found an artifact while digging on the island of crete. She boxed it up an sent it to the Smithsonian institute for verification. She placed a note in the box that said, "WHAT I THINK I'VE FOUND IS THE PETRIFIED PENIS OF A PAST PERSIAN PRIEST" After analysis the Smithsonian institute sent a letter back to her stating, "What you thought was the PETRIFIED PENIS OF A PAST PERSIAN PRIEST was really where a CRETION CREATURE CREPT INTO THE CRYPT AND CRAPPED."

She asked her husband for $4,000 for a boob job. He said hell no...just rub some toilet paper between your tits and they will start getting bigger. She said that won't. He hell yes..it worked on you ass.

OMG VA I've never seen that one before .....good one

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

I think this has been posted before, but it's good:

A 30-something man meets an attractive, 50-something woman at a bar. After some flirting, she asks him if he'd ever consider a mother-daughter threesome.

"Hell yes!" he says.

He goes home with her.. she leads him to a bedroom and nudges the lump on the bed.

"Hey Mom! I've got one!"

A Irishman comes home stinkin' drunk from the pub:

Wife "Look at ya' now Paddy O'Shea, drunk ya' are, drunk as drunk can be! For damn sure you're too drunk to have drove our car home!" Paddy O'Shea "Well, that shows how much you know, Mary O'Shea, I didn't drive the car home! I took the fookin' bus, I did." Wife "Praise Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Paddy O'Shea! T'was the bus ya' say ya' took? Paddy O'Shea "That's right Mary O'Shea, I didn't drive the car. I took a bus.................T'was the first time I ever drove a bus."

A new funny man....welcome to the funhouse

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? Synonym buns. Apologies to all.

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus. so shut the fuck up."