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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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A Republican man in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. He looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Budweiser?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there? The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give him a cold beer. "On my tab," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt strength come back into his legs, got up, and walked out the door, thankful to Jesus.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening, and grateful to the Lord, he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and walked out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. (I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!) The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm collecting disability."

Shamokin PA
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The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife increasingly agitated, "Oh he did did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora......., The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Mcallen TX
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How to get a Gov't contract!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government works.How to get a Gov't contract!

Mcallen TX
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A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him:

'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches it's all brand new.'

New Orleans LA
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HOW MANY MEMBERS OF YOUR SIGN DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No-- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

PISCES: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

Anniston AL
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Anniston AL
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An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a mountain lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the mountain lion is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious mountain lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young mountain lion halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the mountain lion, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the mountain lion. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the mountain lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the mountain lion.

The young mountain lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the mountain lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another mountain lion!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull S... and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Linden CA
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Tulare CA
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Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." Mr. Smith faints

Tulare CA
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2 farmers sitting at the local bar one Saturday night. ONe says he regrets not going on to college, so he thinks he's going to the local community college on Monday to enroll.

Monday comes and he follows through and enrolls at the community college. The Dean of Admissions is with him, and tells him he has been enrolled in the basics: English Literature, Mathematics, History, and Logic.

The farmer says, "I know what the other subjects are, but what's logic?", to which the Dean says, "let me demonstrate. Do you have a weed eater?" Farmer: "yes, I do" Dean: 'Then logically, by having a weed eater, I now know you have a yard" Farmer: {amazed}"Yes! I DO have a yard!" Dean:"Wait, I'm not done. If you have a yard, logically I now know you have a house, don't you?" Farmer:" I DO have a house!" Dean:" ...and if you have a house, logically, I know you have a family" Farmer:" OMG, Yes I DO have a family!" Dean:" ...and if you have a family, then logically, you have a wife" Farmer: "Yes, yes I do!" Dean:"...and if you have a wife, then logically I now know you are heterosexual" Farmer:" Yes! I AM heterosexual....and you got ALL THIS from me owning a weed eater! WOW!" Next Saturday, back at the bar, he's telling his friend about enrolling and what classes he will now be taking. The other farmer asks what logic is, and the farmer replied, "let me demonstrate. Do you have a weed eater?" the other farmer answered, "nope" Farmer, "then you're gay" and went back to his beer

Mcallen TX
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own