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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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I LOVE older women, but eeewwwww!

New Orleans LA
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A beautiful 50-something woman was living it up in a wild club, dancing and enjoying the night. She found herself drawn into a rather risqué dance with a gorgeous younger man, and when they were done the sexual tension was nearly palpable. Deciding that they needed to cool down, the pair went to the bar for a drink. One drink quickly turned into two, and then three, and then four. They were getting along fabulously, so the young man was no surprised when she asked him to go home with her and he quickly agreed. On the way to her home, she was all over him. Kissing up his neck, she whispered into his ear "Have you ever had a threesome with a mother and daughter before?" surprised, he quickly answered "No!" Sliding her hand teasingly up his thigh, she murmured against his lips "Would you like to?" His mind went wild! If the mom was this hot, the daughter must really be something. He couldn't wait to see her, and so he nodded his agreement. She smiled when they arrived, drawing him from the car and into her house. As she lead him up the stairs, she threw a wink over her shoulder and called "Mom, are you still awake? I brought you something. Your teeth are in the glass by the phone."

Winter Garden FL
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A young boy asks his Dad: Dad what is in between Moms legs?

Dad: Paradise son!

Boy: What is in between your legs Dad?

Dad: The key to paradise son.

Boy: Well you better change your key because the Postman has a duplicate key.

Houston TX
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What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

Yes I stole that!!

Houston TX
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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,

"Not an excuse, write with your other hand."

San Antonio TX
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A Republican man in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. He looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Budweiser?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there? The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give him a cold beer. "On my tab," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt strength come back into his legs, got up, and walked out the door, thankful to Jesus.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening, and grateful to the Lord, he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and walked out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. (I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!) The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm collecting disability."

Shamokin PA
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The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife increasingly agitated, "Oh he did did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora......., The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Mcallen TX
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How to get a Gov't contract!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government works.How to get a Gov't contract!

Mcallen TX
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A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him:

'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches it's all brand new.'

Columbus OH
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HOW MANY MEMBERS OF YOUR SIGN DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No-- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

PISCES: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

Anniston AL
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