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TOPIC: Jokes_and_Funnies_feel_free_to_add_your_own
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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

Philadelphia PA
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Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little man staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.' The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you............?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.' The little guy says: 'Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"..

Tulare CA
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HOW TO START A FIGHT

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started...

Emeryville CA
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That's the difference between men and women- women choke on chicken while men choke the chicken. :-)

Brooklyn Park MN
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A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."

San Antonio TX
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HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started....

Emeryville CA
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when a news reporter pointed out that the marines were in retreat for the first time in history, the general replied "we are just fighting in a different direction".

Roswell NM
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1957: That is a true quote by Marine Corps ledge, General Puller (Chesty). All though the exact words he used is some what in dispute. Chesty was informed by his Intel Officer: the 1st Marine Brigade had been surrounded by the Chinese Army and were facing at least 12 Chinese to each Marine. The Chinese had moved in several hundred thousand men completely undetected. Then executed by any military standard a superior surprise attack. Each US Army Division on each flank of the Marines turned and ran when the Chinese attacked en mass, during the Korean War. The Marines held their position at Chosin Reservoir. This allowed the Chinese to completely surround the Marines. When looking at a map of where his Marines were and the placement of Chinese troops all around him, is when Chesty said: Good. We can shoot in any direction and kill those son of a bitches. The 1st Marines fought their way out with very little outside help. The weather was to bad for air support. It is estimated the Marines killed the Chinese at a rate of 8:1 on their march out.

Tulare CA
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True story.

My cousin was in the Marine Corps during the Korean War. His outfit was surrounded by the North Koreans (Chinese). His C.O. said "Men, now we got'em where we want'em. We can shoot in any direction."

I have felt that way so many times.

Danville VT
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An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" ... The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Anniston AL
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