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Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own : Swingers Discussion 8761810201
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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A man meets a beautiful woman at a club. After a few drinks he ask her to come back to his place. She agrees and they leave. When they arrive at his apartment she's impressed with it's decor. Except for a large brass gong handing in one corner.

"Why do you have a gong?"

"It's not a gong, it's a clock."

"Really? Show me."

The man pics up a hammer and strikes the gong, causing a loud clang that was deafening. A few seconds later, there's pounding on the wall from the next door nieghbor.

"Hey Asshole", a voice screams thru the wall. "Knock that shit off! It's fucking three in the morning!"

Pittsburgh PA
 
 
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The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:

FIRST THE WOMEN:

40-ish.................. 48 Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will Athletic................ Flat-chested Average looking......... Ugly Beautiful............... Pathological liar Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin Educated................ College dropout Emotionally Secure...... Medicated Feminist................ Fat; ball buster Free spirit............. Substance user Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun..................... Annoying Gentle.................. Comatose Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic New-Age................. All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded............. Desperate Outgoing................ Loud Passionate.............. Loud Poet.................... Depressive financially insecure Professional............ Real Witch Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat Romantic................ Looks better by candle light Voluptuous.............. Very Fat Weight proportional to height................ Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking Widow................... Nagged first husband to death Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST:

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking............ Arrogant Honest.................. Pathological Liar Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent Mature.................. Until you get to know him Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

Anniston AL
 
 
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Ever noticed that once Tuesday is over, the rest of the week spells W T F??

Tulare CA
 
 
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Ahh, life is like a dick. When it's soft you can't beat it. . .

.....and when it's hard you get fucked

Danville VT
 
 
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TOO good to pass up!!! Friends are like underpants ...Some crawl up your ass...Some snap under pressure.. .Some don't have the strength to hold you up...Some get a little twisted... Some support you.....Some are your favorite.. ..Some are cheap and get bent out of shape....And some actually Do cover your ass when you need them too :) Re-Post for all the friends you have & love! They know who they are :

Farmington MN
 
 
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The father shark takes his son out on a hunting trip. They come across some survivors paddling around after their boat sank. "Dad, look, swimmers, can we eat them?" "Yes son, but there is a proceedure we have to follow before we eat them. First we circle around them three times with half our fin sticking out of the water. Next we circle them the other way closer in with our whole fin out of the water. Finally we swim straight at them, turning at the last second, and it works better if we bump them with a fin while turning". So the sharks circle them, and circle them, and bump them. "Now Dad? Can we eat them now?". "Yes son, they're ready now!". So, they eat them all up. As the sharks are swimming away "Dad, why did we do all the circling and bumping?". "Well son, they just taste better when they're not full of shit!".

Yucaipa CA
 
 
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There once was a young man from Kent Whose dick was so long that it bent So to save himself trouble. . . He put it in double,

and instead of coming he went!

Danville VT
 
 
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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the bank because she said she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000.' The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clocktomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course,' said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the president of the Bank of Canada!'

Emeryville CA
 
 
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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+ Tourist: $5.00

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning…

Tulare CA
 
 
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A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?' St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.' So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?' God simply replied 'You are what you are.' The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?' The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..' The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?' 'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..' WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin after yo white ass!!!

San Antonio TX
 
 
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own