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Entry in a wife journal.......

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring for my birthday so he could monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond .

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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Q: What did the hurricane Irene say to the coconut tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this ain't gonna be your typical blow job

Emeryville CA
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Dear So-in-So

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping

through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just

saying...

Sincerely, Google

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF

happened?!

Sincerely, 1985

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely, BP

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely, God

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,

Please lknvfdmv.xvn.

Sincerely, Stevie Wonder

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely, Black people

Dear Batman,

What was your power again?

Sincerely, Superman

Dear Global Warming,

You're the best imaginary friend ever! Sincerely, Al Gore

Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome. Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear Haiti ,

Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?

Sincerely, Seriously Going To Hell

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because

some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely, The Mayans

Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely, Native Americans

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You

piece of shut.

Sincerely, Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,

Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?

Sincerely, Terrified

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up...

Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely, Elephant

Tulare CA
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O.M.G., I'm rich! Silver in the Hair Gold in the Teeth Crystals in the Kidneys Sugar in the Blood Lead in the A## Iron in the Arteries And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

Tulare CA
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AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THENYOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF ITDOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.THOUGHT for the day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Tulare CA
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A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Wisconsin customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence..

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old Norwiegen named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

Emeryville CA
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SA that is hilarious.

Danville VT
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--- ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE By John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottom s so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

San Antonio TX
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If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today BUT, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00 Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan!

Tulare CA
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A man meets a beautiful woman at a club. After a few drinks he ask her to come back to his place. She agrees and they leave. When they arrive at his apartment she's impressed with it's decor. Except for a large brass gong handing in one corner.

"Why do you have a gong?"

"It's not a gong, it's a clock."

"Really? Show me."

The man pics up a hammer and strikes the gong, causing a loud clang that was deafening. A few seconds later, there's pounding on the wall from the next door nieghbor.

"Hey Asshole", a voice screams thru the wall. "Knock that shit off! It's fucking three in the morning!"

Pittsburgh PA
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