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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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Vodka and ice can cause kidney problems.

Rum and ice can cause liver damage.

Whiskey and ice is dangerous if you are pregnant.

Gin and ice kills brain cells.

Conclusion: Ice is VERY bad for you.

Winter Garden FL
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Why did Miss Piggy use a vinegar and honey douche? Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. badum tshhh!!!!

Jackson MI
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A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Texas State Trooper walked up to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, Hey handsome ... you gonna sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball? He replied, Texas State Troopers don't have balls. There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

Farmington MN
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Mickey and Mini Mouse decided to get a divorce. They go to court and each tells the judge their side of the story. The judge listens and at the end turns to Mini and says 'You don't look crazy?' Mickey stands up and says 'I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was *effing* Goofy!

Emeryville CA
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It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER.....

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts.

They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ (My Favorite)

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ (Another favorite)

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death…

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY:Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ And last: (Well OK, this is the best)

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No…

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Emeryville CA
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Entry in a wife journal.......

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring for my birthday so he could monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond .

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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Q: What did the hurricane Irene say to the coconut tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this ain't gonna be your typical blow job

Emeryville CA
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Dear So-in-So

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping

through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just

saying...

Sincerely, Google

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF

happened?!

Sincerely, 1985

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely, BP

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely, God

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,

Please lknvfdmv.xvn.

Sincerely, Stevie Wonder

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely, Black people

Dear Batman,

What was your power again?

Sincerely, Superman

Dear Global Warming,

You're the best imaginary friend ever! Sincerely, Al Gore

Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome. Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear Haiti ,

Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?

Sincerely, Seriously Going To Hell

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because

some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely, The Mayans

Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely, Native Americans

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You

piece of shut.

Sincerely, Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,

Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?

Sincerely, Terrified

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up...

Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely, Elephant

Tulare CA
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O.M.G., I'm rich! Silver in the Hair Gold in the Teeth Crystals in the Kidneys Sugar in the Blood Lead in the A## Iron in the Arteries And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

Tulare CA
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AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THENYOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF ITDOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.THOUGHT for the day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Tulare CA
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own