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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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Funny but sadly true , over worked police !

LOL Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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great one, Mrs. Sav. really funny

Danville VT
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." Phillip said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up. Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" ( Don't mess with old folks. LOL

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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President Obama asked a blonde, brunette, and a red head how much it would cost to have sex with them.The red head says 200.00 dollars .The blonde says 100.00 dollars. The brunette replied "Mr President if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get your dick as hard as the times we are living in now & keep it rising like gas prices and screw me the way you have the rest of Americia, it won't cost you a fucking cent.

Somerset PA
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Vodka and ice can cause kidney problems.

Rum and ice can cause liver damage.

Whiskey and ice is dangerous if you are pregnant.

Gin and ice kills brain cells.

Conclusion: Ice is VERY bad for you.

Chesapeake VA
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Why did Miss Piggy use a vinegar and honey douche? Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. badum tshhh!!!!

Jackson MI
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A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Texas State Trooper walked up to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, Hey handsome ... you gonna sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball? He replied, Texas State Troopers don't have balls. There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

Farmington MN
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Mickey and Mini Mouse decided to get a divorce. They go to court and each tells the judge their side of the story. The judge listens and at the end turns to Mini and says 'You don't look crazy?' Mickey stands up and says 'I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was *effing* Goofy!

Emeryville CA
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It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER.....

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts.

They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ (My Favorite)

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ (Another favorite)

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death…

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY:Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ And last: (Well OK, this is the best)

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No…

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Emeryville CA
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Entry in a wife journal.......

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring for my birthday so he could monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond .

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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