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User Details are only visible to members.	Q: What did the hurricane Irene say to the coconut tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this ain't gonna be your typical blow job
Emeryville CA			Username hidden (12138 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Dear So-in-So Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that. Sincerely, Logic Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying... Sincerely, Google Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985 Dear Windshield Wipers, Can't touch this. Sincerely, That Little Triangle Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead. Sincerely, BP Dear Saturn, I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Sincerely, God Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn, Please lknvfdmv.xvn. Sincerely, Stevie Wonder Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids, Please make one for every skin color. Sincerely, Black people Dear Batman, What was your power again? Sincerely, Superman Dear Global Warming, You're the best imaginary friend ever! Sincerely, Al Gore Dear Ugly People, You're welcome. Sincerely, Alcohol Dear Haiti , Is it too early to ask what's shakin'? Sincerely, Seriously Going To Hell Dear World, Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok? Sincerely, The Mayans Dear White People, Don't you just hate immigrants? Sincerely, Native Americans Dear iPhone, Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely, Every iPhone User Dear Giant Spider on the Wall, Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go? Sincerely, Terrified Dear Trash, At least you get picked up... Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	O.M.G., I'm rich! Silver in the Hair Gold in the Teeth Crystals in the Kidneys Sugar in the Blood Lead in the A## Iron in the Arteries And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas. I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THENYOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF ITDOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.THOUGHT for the day: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Wisconsin customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak. Then, one old Norwiegen named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
Emeryville CA			Username hidden (12138 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	SA that is hilarious.
Danville VT			Username hidden (7129 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	--- ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE By John Cleese The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottom s so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
San Antonio TX			Username hidden (6285 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today BUT, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00 Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan!
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	A man meets a beautiful woman at a club. After a few drinks he ask her to come back to his place. She agrees and they leave. When they arrive at his apartment she's impressed with it's decor. Except for a large brass gong handing in one corner. "Why do you have a gong?" "It's not a gong, it's a clock." "Really? Show me." The man pics up a hammer and strikes the gong, causing a loud clang that was deafening. A few seconds later, there's pounding on the wall from the next door nieghbor. "Hey Asshole", a voice screams thru the wall. "Knock that shit off! It's fucking three in the morning!"
New Kensington PA			Username hidden (2138 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads: FIRST THE WOMEN: 40-ish.................. 48 Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will Athletic................ Flat-chested Average looking......... Ugly Beautiful............... Pathological liar Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin Educated................ College dropout Emotionally Secure...... Medicated Feminist................ Fat; ball buster Free spirit............. Substance user Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun..................... Annoying Gentle.................. Comatose Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic New-Age................. All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded............. Desperate Outgoing................ Loud Passionate.............. Loud Poet.................... Depressive financially insecure Professional............ Real Witch Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat Romantic................ Looks better by candle light Voluptuous.............. Very Fat Weight proportional to height................ Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking Widow................... Nagged first husband to death Young at heart.......... Toothless crone THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST: 40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking............ Arrogant Honest.................. Pathological Liar Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent Mature.................. Until you get to know him Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Weaver AL			Username hidden (4090 post)

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