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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah! We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"

Emeryville CA
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Guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says, 'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'

'OK,' says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says, 'You have one wish.'

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman, 'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'

The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'

Winter Garden FL
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Very amusing, Mark_Carmen! Thanks for sharing.

Sheboygan Falls WI
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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) amen!!!

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Tulare CA
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A bearded Arab enters a taxi..........Once he is seated, he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion, commenting that, in the time of the Prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Arab angrily asks him: "What are you doing, man?"

The cabby answers: "In the time of the Prophet there were no taxis. So get the fuck out and wait for a camel."

San Antonio TX
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A good looking young man walked into a famous talent agent's office in Hollywood and the talent agent said to him, "what can I do for you young man ?" The young man said, "I want to be a movie star and I want you to represent me." Tall, handsome, charming and debonairre with experience in comedy clubs and on and off Broadway, he seemed to have all the right credentials. The agent put him through a series of auditions and he was great, he could sing, dance, do comedy routines and act. The agent asked, "What's your name ?" The young fellow said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "WHAT ?" The young fellow said, "Penis van Lesbian" The agent said, "Young man, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood and become a successful actor, you are going to have to change your name." The young man said, "I will NOT change my name ! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, a regal name in Europe. I will not disrespect my father, grandfather, great grandfather and family by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Young man, I'm trying to help you, I have worked in Hollywood for close to 40 years... and you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian ! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." The young man said defiantlly, "So be it! I guess we will not do business together and you won't be my agent," and he stormed out of the agent's office. Five years later ...... The talent agent is sitting at his desk and he receives an envelope, marked, "Personal and Confidential". He opens the envelope. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check made out to him for $50,000. The agent is absolutely awe-struck, who would possibly send him a check for $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me that if I wanted to succeed, I needed to change my name. Young, stubborn and determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian and I just couldn't accept your advice. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. After much reflection, I decided that you were right. I had to change my name. But, I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. Had I not listened to you, I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check for $ 50,000 is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your sage advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke

Tulare CA
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A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the ol'-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his ambition to be a great shot... "Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The ol'-timer said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the cowboy. "Sure will," replied the ol' man. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips?" "Yep," said the ol'-timer. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young cowboy. "You bet it will," said the ol'-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" he asked again. The ol'-timer pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young shooter smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the ol'-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young cowboy. "No." said the ol'-timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much."

Tulare CA
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One of my favorites. Sorry if this was already posted.

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees to act as a witness. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do? The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.

Morgantown PA
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A vanilla friend shared this one with me:

I have sex daily. I mean, dyslexia! Fcuk!

Visalia CA
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Polish Loan

A Polish guy walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Poland on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Polish guy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Polish guy produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the "dumb" Polack for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. Then the employee of the bank drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Polish guy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Polish guy replied: Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Sheboygan Falls WI
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own