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An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is Short, Smile

Tulare CA
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Two recently incarcerated inmates were in the prison shower area. As it happens, both gentlemen had tattoos on their penises that read W..y in the flaccid state.

The smaller of the gentlemen said "Wow...we must both have wives named 'Wendy'"!

The larger of the gentlemen looked quizzical for a moment, laughed and replied--"No, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.'".....

Atlanta GA
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New Rule: Scientists must explain how it's possible that the tiny island country of Jamaica can, at the same time, possess all the most stoned people in the world, and all the fastest people in the world.

~Bill Maher

Emeryville CA
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Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £200.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £200 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £200?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me £200.

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed £200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ......

Emeryville CA
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Guy walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a shot, He drinks the beer and trhows the shot in his top pocket. The bar tender scratches his head and then he orders another and does the same thing. Curious the bar tender asks wtf? The guy sez mind your own business and orders another beer and a shot drinks the beer and throws the shot in his top pocket. "Look man I just want to know whats up? The guy sez I said to mind your own business...the Bar tender sez well my friend take a look around the bar. See all these Bikers? These are my friends...the Guy sez bring em on!!!! and the Mouse sticks his head out of his pocket and sez "Ya and bring on your fucking cat too....Hick up"

Imperial MO
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I apologize if this one is already in this thread, but it is cute enough to repeat here:

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you; I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before," he said." Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded. "Black Pepper"

Sheboygan Falls WI
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lol, Mark

Danville VT
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CONDOM HISTORY

In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Tulare CA
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What is the best job in the world?__________________Getting a blow job....

Tulare CA
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condom tester?

Danville VT
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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