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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own

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User Details are only visible to members.	A bearded Arab enters a taxi..........Once he is seated, he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion, commenting that, in the time of the Prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........ So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Arab angrily asks him: "What are you doing, man?" The cabby answers: "In the time of the Prophet there were no taxis. So get the fuck out and wait for a camel."
San Antonio TX			Username hidden (6267 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	A good looking young man walked into a famous talent agent's office in Hollywood and the talent agent said to him, "what can I do for you young man ?" The young man said, "I want to be a movie star and I want you to represent me." Tall, handsome, charming and debonairre with experience in comedy clubs and on and off Broadway, he seemed to have all the right credentials. The agent put him through a series of auditions and he was great, he could sing, dance, do comedy routines and act. The agent asked, "What's your name ?" The young fellow said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "WHAT ?" The young fellow said, "Penis van Lesbian" The agent said, "Young man, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood and become a successful actor, you are going to have to change your name." The young man said, "I will NOT change my name ! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, a regal name in Europe. I will not disrespect my father, grandfather, great grandfather and family by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Young man, I'm trying to help you, I have worked in Hollywood for close to 40 years... and you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian ! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." The young man said defiantlly, "So be it! I guess we will not do business together and you won't be my agent," and he stormed out of the agent's office. Five years later ...... The talent agent is sitting at his desk and he receives an envelope, marked, "Personal and Confidential". He opens the envelope. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check made out to him for $50,000. The agent is absolutely awe-struck, who would possibly send him a check for $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me that if I wanted to succeed, I needed to change my name. Young, stubborn and determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian and I just couldn't accept your advice. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. After much reflection, I decided that you were right. I had to change my name. But, I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. Had I not listened to you, I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check for $ 50,000 is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your sage advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the ol'-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his ambition to be a great shot... "Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The ol'-timer said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the cowboy. "Sure will," replied the ol' man. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips?" "Yep," said the ol'-timer. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young cowboy. "You bet it will," said the ol'-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" he asked again. The ol'-timer pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young shooter smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the ol'-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young cowboy. "No." said the ol'-timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much."
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	One of my favorites. Sorry if this was already posted. A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees to act as a witness. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do? The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.
Morgantown PA			Username hidden (1403 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	A vanilla friend shared this one with me: I have sex daily. I mean, dyslexia! Fcuk!
Visalia CA			Username hidden (4125 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Polish Loan A Polish guy walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Poland on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Polish guy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Polish guy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the "dumb" Polack for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. Then the employee of the bank drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Polish guy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?' The Polish guy replied: Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
Sheboygan Falls WI			Username hidden (6972 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	The Afghan Quarterback: The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching FOX he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 3rd story window 50 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 45 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 60 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says: "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Philadelphia PA			Username hidden (2061 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Men are like Bluetooth-he is connected to you when you are nearby, but searches for other devices when you are away... Women are like WiFi-she sees all available devices but only connects to the strongest one...
Emeryville CA			Username hidden (12137 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	you think the Raiders get no respect... I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest..
Emeryville CA			Username hidden (12137 post)

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