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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own

Created by: DestinFlCp Original Starting post for this thread:
Rick is in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! " The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway . Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

Created by: DestinFlCp
Original Starting post for this thread:

Rick is in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! "

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway .
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him

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User Details are only visible to members.	A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." Mr. Smith faints
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	2 farmers sitting at the local bar one Saturday night. ONe says he regrets not going on to college, so he thinks he's going to the local community college on Monday to enroll. Monday comes and he follows through and enrolls at the community college. The Dean of Admissions is with him, and tells him he has been enrolled in the basics: English Literature, Mathematics, History, and Logic. The farmer says, "I know what the other subjects are, but what's logic?", to which the Dean says, "let me demonstrate. Do you have a weed eater?" Farmer: "yes, I do" Dean: 'Then logically, by having a weed eater, I now know you have a yard" Farmer: {amazed}"Yes! I DO have a yard!" Dean:"Wait, I'm not done. If you have a yard, logically I now know you have a house, don't you?" Farmer:" I DO have a house!" Dean:" ...and if you have a house, logically, I know you have a family" Farmer:" OMG, Yes I DO have a family!" Dean:" ...and if you have a family, then logically, you have a wife" Farmer: "Yes, yes I do!" Dean:"...and if you have a wife, then logically I now know you are heterosexual" Farmer:" Yes! I AM heterosexual....and you got ALL THIS from me owning a weed eater! WOW!" Next Saturday, back at the bar, he's telling his friend about enrolling and what classes he will now be taking. The other farmer asks what logic is, and the farmer replied, "let me demonstrate. Do you have a weed eater?" the other farmer answered, "nope" Farmer, "then you're gay" and went back to his beer
Mcallen TX			Username hidden (5601 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Statler and Waldorf, the old men from Sesame Street, are sitting on a park bench together. Statler says, "Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard. By the time I was 60, I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 70 next week, and I can bend it in half with one hand." Waldorf asks, "So, what's your point?" Statler replies, "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger am I gonna get?"
Sheboygan Falls WI			Username hidden (6973 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Boy took his family's cow over to the girl's family farm to breed with her family's bull. As the bull and cow were performing their duties, the boy sidled over to the girl and put hi arm around her and said, "I wish I could be doing what your bull's doing..." To which the girl batteted her eyelashes all wide-eyed and innocent and replied, "Well, why don't you? It's your cow!"
Mcallen TX			Username hidden (5601 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Two farm boys were talking one afternoon. Jim Bob says, my girl friends mother caught me fucking her daugther in the barn last night. His friend Joe Bob, asked what did she say? JimBob said, BaaaaBaaaaBaa
Lyons NY			Username hidden (83 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex. The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Screw you.' The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular) The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see? ' 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' > > > > >"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent."
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why. "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them!!!!" The room fell silent.
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

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