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TOPIC: Jokes_and_Funnies_feel_free_to_add_your_own
Created by: DestinFlCp
Original Starting post for this thread:
Rick is in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! "

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway . Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

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what do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?

a little fucker about yeh high.

Northville NY
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A guy named Bill finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff for fun.

His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.

You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley-Davidson.

Bill got a horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling....., what's wrong?"?

He replied, "Just for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."?

"Ex wife?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"?

Bill replied: "I wasn't."

Thornton CO
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What does a blond say after sex?

"Are you all on the same team?"

Windermere FL
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How dose a Blond put on the lights after sex ?

she opens the car door

Ronkonkoma NY
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What did the duck say to the prostitute?

You can put it on my bill.

Binghamton NY
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Size matters

Women's response : 2 inches - I can't even hold it. 3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied. 4 inches- I've had bigger than it. 5 inches- Good , but I wish a bit bigger! 6 inches - perfect. 7 inches - Love it. 8 inches - Wow ! but can't have it all. 9 inches - Painful but manageable. 10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of: Subway Sandwiches ! But I love the way you think!... and this is why I worry about you ...

Thornton CO
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Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aww, shit!" says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"

Thornton CO
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So there I was, walking past a mental hospital. Everyone inside was shouting "13! 13! 13!"

I wondered what was up. I couldn't see over the fence, but I did find a knothole to look through. When I did, someone poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then everyone inside began shouting "14! 14! 14!"

Windermere FL
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A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." "The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Thornton CO
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Lynch, The Irish Painter A painter by the name of Lynch, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact she was willing to pay up to £10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he returned.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

Thornton CO
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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