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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what a... re you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

Anniston AL
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3 guys all die on Christmas eve when the bar they were in goes up in flames.

They all arrive at the gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter. He scans the rolls and can't find a single one of their names but makes a concession since it's Christmas time...So he tells them all that if they can produce something Christmas related that their sins will be forgiven and they can enter.

The first guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out a pack of smokes. He tears off the filter and lights up. "It's red and while like a candy cane". St. Peter considered the mans ingenuity and agrees to let him in.

The second guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out his car keys. He starts to jingle them back and forth and says "They're sleigh bells". St. Peter considered the mans ingenuity and agrees to let him in.

The third guy smiles as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of lace and satin panties. He tosses them at St. Peter and says "alright, let me in!" St. Peter looks at the man perplexed and asks "Sir, how is this at all related to Christmas"

To which the man replies, "Oh...They're Carols".

Long Beach CA
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KNow the differnece between a Hoover and a Harley?

the position of the dirtbag!

Mcallen TX
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Or without any pricks in your life, if that's how it works out.

Danville VT
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It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

Mcallen TX
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Two women arguing about what kind of engineer God must've been to have designed to human body. One was adamantly insisting God would have been a mechanical engineer, based on the function of muscle and bone. The other, equally adamant, insisting He was more like a chemical engineer, based on brain and nerve function. At an impasse, they finally asked the opinion of a third lady. She pondered for a brief moment and arrived at her answer: a civil engineer. Perplexed, they asked how she arrived to that conclusion. Easy, she said, only a civil engineer would put the waste removal system right throug hthe recreational area!

Mcallen TX
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My wife said she wanted me to dominate her. So I said, "Ok, let's play Scrabble."

~From a secret fb group. :-)

Emeryville CA
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What do the female reindeer do on Christmas Eve when the guys take Santa on the ride?

The go into town and "blow a few bucks!"

Jacksonville FL
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Mrs Brown gets a Bikini wax - Video Dailymotion

Absolutely hilarious Brit humor!

Mcallen TX
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funny or die The Frantics-Her First Period !he reactions of the other men listening in are PRICELESS!

Mcallen TX
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