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Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own : Swingers Discussion 876181061
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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The difference between a light bulb and a pregnant girlfriend?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Danville VT
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Three ole country girls sitting out, talking about their men. As it happens, all three have a man named "Leroy". They began comparing their men to soft drinks. The first said, "MY man, Leroy, he like 7 UP, coz he got 7 and he's ALWAYS up!" The second said, "MY man, Leroy, be like Mountain Dew, coz he made like a mountain.... and he always want to DO!" The third then spoke up, "MY man, Leroy, be like Jack Daniels" The other two looked at her and exclaimed, "Girl, that's a HARD LIQUOR!" She sighed, "that's my Leroy!"

Mcallen TX
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

Tulare CA
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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........."Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold"

"I have a better idea,'" she replied "Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow!......................That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied................"Get your own f...ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, ........................he farted.

Tulare CA
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a couple gets married, on their honeymoon night the bride is kissing around on the groom chest.she starts to work lower and he starts to push her head down lower.she thinks to her self,if i do this he will lose respect for me.she quits,he sayes nothing.20 years they do the same thing.and she thinks he will lose respect for me.here they are ,they have been married for 60 years,she is kissing around on his chest then his tummy,he starts pushing her head down lower,she thinks why not we been married for 60 years , if he was going to loes resprct for me he would have done it a long time ago.so she gives him some head. while she is doing that the phone rings,he answer it ,he says yeah she here,he turns to her and says here cock sucker its for you .

Kingston TN
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I have always wanted to be the last man on earth.

Just to see if all those women were lying to me.

Mission TX
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A guy asked a girl in a university library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded with a loud voice, "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear, "I study law and I know how to screw people."

Morgantown PA
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A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

Long Beach CA
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A reporter asks Bill Clinton--- How's Hillary's head?

He replies, "Well.......... she's no Monica!"

Mission TX
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It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter from Dripping Springs, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas. Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the #$%^ away from my deer!" Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the #$%^ away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your #$%^ deer, just let me get my saddle off it!"

Tulare CA
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(1880 posts)
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