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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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TALKING PENNSYLVANIAN

For those who think we Pennsylvanians 'talk funny' or use 'big words'...

Once a Pennsylvanian, ALWAYS a Pennsylvanian!

About Pennsylvanians: You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but ‘Philly’ and New Jersey has always been ' Jersey .'

We don't go to the beach -- we go ‘down the shore.'

You refer to Pennsylvania as 'PA' (pronounced Pee-Ay). How many other states do that??

'You guys' (or even 'youze guys', in some places) is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men and women.

You know how to respond to the question ‘Djeetyet?' (Did you eat yet?)

You know that the Iggles play football and so do the Stillers.

You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre , Schuylkill , the Poconos, Tamaqua, Kutztown, Tunkahannock, Bala Cynwyd, Kishacoquillas, Duquesne and Monongahela, also Conshohocken.

And we know Lancaster is pronounced Lank-ister, not Lan-kaster.

You know what a ‘Mummer’ is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade.

At least five people on your block have electric 'candles' in all or most of their windows all year long.

You know what a 'State Store' is, and your out-of-state friends find it incredulous that you can’t purchase liquor at the mini-mart.

Words like 'hoagie,' 'crick,' 'chipped ham,' 'dippy eggs', 'sticky buns,' 'shoo-fly pie,' 'lemon sponge pie', 'pierogies' and 'pocketbook' actually mean something to you. (By the way, that last one's PA slang for a purse!)

You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors.

You know the difference between a cheese steak and a pizza steak sandwich, and you know that you also can't get a really good one anywhere outside of the Philly area. (Except maybe in Atlantic City on the boardwalk.)

You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Paradise, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Mars, Bethlehem, Hershey, Indiana, Sinking Spring, Jersey Shore, State College, Washington Crossing, Jim Thorpe, King of Prussia, Wind Gap, and Slippery Rock are all PA towns ... and the first three were consecutive stops on the old Reading RR! (PS - That’s pronounced Redd-ing.)

You can identify drivers from New York , New Jersey , Maryland or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.

A traffic jam in Lancaster County is 10 cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway. (And remember ... that’s Lank-ister!)

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were..

You know beer doesn't grow in a garden, but you know where to find a beer garden.

You actually understand all this and send it out to other Pennsylvanians or former Pennsylvanians. It's scary, isn't it!

YEAH! THAT'S GOOD OL' ‘PA’ AND WE LOVE IT!

Chesapeake VA
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OK, I know, I know. This is going to offend. But it is funny.

Chicago Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations!

NAME__________________________________

GANG/CREW NAME_______________________

CRIB__________________________________

1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload?

2. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother's bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Tulare CA
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Bottle of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign

But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.

Apollo PA
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What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4hours?

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

Emeryville CA
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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

Emeryville CA
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First date questions: Lady: Do you drink? Man: Yes Lady: How much a day? Man: 3 six packs Lady: How much per six pack Man: about $10.00 Lady: And how long have you been drinking? Man: 15 years Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady: No Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari?

Tulare CA
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Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories. His professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99 Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

Tulare CA
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1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed,' many men still sleep with their wives!

Tulare CA
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IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD 1)You can't count your hair. 2)You can't wash your eyes with soap. 3)You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person. (This was just a test!) Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter 'P' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

Have a great Day.

Laugh, and then Laugh and sing.

"It's a Beautiful Morning" even when it's not. "DO NOT REGRET GROWING OLDER.

IT IS A PRIVILEGE DENIED TO MANY."

Tulare CA
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Mating call of the wild blonde bimbo~ "Oh! I'm so drunk!"

Mating call of the brunette~ "Is that blonde gone yet?"

Mating call of the ugly chick~ "AH-HEM! I said, I'M SOOOO DRUNK!!!"

Mcallen TX
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own