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TOPIC: Jokes_and_Funnies_feel_free_to_add_your_own
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A 70 year old widow publishes a personal ad. "Wanted - good man. You must not run around on me. You must not hit me. You must be good in bed. Apply in person."

The doorbell rings the next day. There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

She berates him and says "come on! You have no legs!"

"Well, I can't run around on you, can I?"

"AND you have no arms!"

"Well, I can't hit you, can I?"

"How good could you possibly be in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Windermere FL
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The past, present, and future walk into a bar. Things get tense.

Belle Chasse LA
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He Said She Said: Here we are Ladies, just for you..... He Said She Said

He said ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said ... You wear pants don't you?

He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said... I would but you're never there.

He said ... Why don't women blink during foreplay? She said ... They don't have time

He said ... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said ... We don't know; it has never happened.

He said ... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? She said ...They already have boyfriends.

She said ...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? He said... A widow.

He said ... Why are married women heavier than single women? She said ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Thornton CO
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead. Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

Thornton CO
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The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America's health insurance situation.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

Colfax NC
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A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it! They walk amongst us!

Thornton CO
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A parable to meditate on in our politically correct society... An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked "What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later they passed some people who remarked "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk". So they decided they'd both walk. Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride." So they both decided to ride the donkey. They passed some people who shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey." The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.

Thornton CO
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What?! At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

ROBOT FOR SALE!

Thornton CO
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Lol

Windermere FL
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On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Boulder were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.â€쳌 So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park . . . " Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?" Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time." .

Thornton CO
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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