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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Anniston AL
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An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a mountain lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the mountain lion is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious mountain lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young mountain lion halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the mountain lion, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the mountain lion. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the mountain lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the mountain lion.

The young mountain lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the mountain lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another mountain lion!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull S... and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Linden CA
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Tulare CA
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Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." Mr. Smith faints

Tulare CA
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2 farmers sitting at the local bar one Saturday night. ONe says he regrets not going on to college, so he thinks he's going to the local community college on Monday to enroll.

Monday comes and he follows through and enrolls at the community college. The Dean of Admissions is with him, and tells him he has been enrolled in the basics: English Literature, Mathematics, History, and Logic.

The farmer says, "I know what the other subjects are, but what's logic?", to which the Dean says, "let me demonstrate. Do you have a weed eater?" Farmer: "yes, I do" Dean: 'Then logically, by having a weed eater, I now know you have a yard" Farmer: {amazed}"Yes! I DO have a yard!" Dean:"Wait, I'm not done. If you have a yard, logically I now know you have a house, don't you?" Farmer:" I DO have a house!" Dean:" ...and if you have a house, logically, I know you have a family" Farmer:" OMG, Yes I DO have a family!" Dean:" ...and if you have a family, then logically, you have a wife" Farmer: "Yes, yes I do!" Dean:"...and if you have a wife, then logically I now know you are heterosexual" Farmer:" Yes! I AM heterosexual....and you got ALL THIS from me owning a weed eater! WOW!" Next Saturday, back at the bar, he's telling his friend about enrolling and what classes he will now be taking. The other farmer asks what logic is, and the farmer replied, "let me demonstrate. Do you have a weed eater?" the other farmer answered, "nope" Farmer, "then you're gay" and went back to his beer

Mcallen TX
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Statler and Waldorf, the old men from Sesame Street, are sitting on a park bench together.

Statler says, "Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard. By the time I was 60, I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 70 next week, and I can bend it in half with one hand."

Waldorf asks, "So, what's your point?"

Statler replies, "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger am I gonna get?"

Sheboygan Falls WI
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Boy took his family's cow over to the girl's family farm to breed with her family's bull. As the bull and cow were performing their duties, the boy sidled over to the girl and put hi arm around her and said, "I wish I could be doing what your bull's doing..." To which the girl batteted her eyelashes all wide-eyed and innocent and replied, "Well, why don't you? It's your cow!"

Mcallen TX
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Two farm boys were talking one afternoon. Jim Bob says, my girl friends mother caught me fucking her daugther in the barn last night. His friend Joe Bob, asked what did she say? JimBob said, BaaaaBaaaaBaa

Lyons NY
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Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

Tulare CA
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see? ' 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' > > > > >"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent."

Tulare CA
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