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Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own : Swingers Discussion 8761810101
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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A Federal Agent went out to a Montana ranch, and claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent him out to investigate him. GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He, also, sleeps with my wife occasionally. GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

Tulare CA
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From a male friend:

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost... It's a man thing.

San Antonio TX
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A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

Anniston AL
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This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a snowy night. They guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn't have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold. "Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," offers his gal. So he does, then gets out to finish the job. It's so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs. Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the key into the ignition when she asks, "Aren't your ears cold?"

Philadelphia PA
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Bill the sperm was always teased by the other sperm. He works out, eats healthy and is always keeping in shape. The other sperm tease him but he just replies, "it only takes on of us to reach the egg and produce a human being. I intend to be that one!!"

So the day finally cums. All of the sperm can feel the anticipation. So, the pace is picking up and all of a sudden they are off. Bill is in way in the lead when all of a sudden he stops. Looking petrified and running back towards the other sperm he yells, " go back!! go back". It's only a blow job!!

Saint John IN
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts.

Philadelphia PA
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Q: What does it mean when a hooker offers you the Mitt Romney special?

A: For an extra $20 she'll change positions

~~~~~

Barack Obama walks into a bar with a duck. The bartender asks, “Where did you get the jackass?” Barack looks puzzled and replies, “It’s a duck.” The bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.”

Long Beach CA
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good one Sexus :)

Happens to be true in most cases....lol

Philadelphia PA
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the fifty IQ guy probably isn't.

So Romney and Ryan are flying over Kansas in one of Romney's private jets. At thirty thousand feet all engines fail. Plane goes down. Q: Who hits first, Rom or Ry?

A: Who cares?

Danville VT
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Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Obama?"

San Antonio TX
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