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TOPIC: Jokes_and_Funnies_feel_free_to_add_your_own
Created by: DestinFlCp
Original Starting post for this thread:
Rick is in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! "

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway . Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

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Size matters

Women's response : 2 inches - I can't even hold it. 3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied. 4 inches- I've had bigger than it. 5 inches- Good , but I wish a bit bigger! 6 inches - perfect. 7 inches - Love it. 8 inches - Wow ! but can't have it all. 9 inches - Painful but manageable. 10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of: Subway Sandwiches ! But I love the way you think!... and this is why I worry about you ...

Thornton CO
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Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aww, shit!" says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"

Thornton CO
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So there I was, walking past a mental hospital. Everyone inside was shouting "13! 13! 13!"

I wondered what was up. I couldn't see over the fence, but I did find a knothole to look through. When I did, someone poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then everyone inside began shouting "14! 14! 14!"

Windermere FL
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A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." "The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Thornton CO
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Lynch, The Irish Painter A painter by the name of Lynch, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact she was willing to pay up to £10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he returned.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

Thornton CO
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At the retirement home a new male resident was making his way around when one of the ladies who had been a resident for some time approached him.. she pulled her gown high up over her head and screamed "Super pussy" The startled man who was slightly hard of hearing quietly replied "soup please"

Harrison OH
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Dear Abby My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hops in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his grand daughters .

I know because he brags about this to me . He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night . We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off!

Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby ?

Your advice would be appreciated ..... Mad as Hell

Dear Mad as Hell,

You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man . I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.! Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan , and try to act like a lady!

Remember ....... you`re running for President of the United States , so try acting like one !

Abby

Thornton CO
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Things you can say only on Thanksgiving...

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Thornton CO
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Two little boys, ages 5 and 8, decide one morning that it's time to learn how to swear. The 8 yr old says "okay, so you say 'ass' and I'll say 'Hell'." They both run downstairs bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to start this new exciting phase in their lives.

So when they're sitting at the dining table, Mom comes up to the 8 yr old and asks "And what are you going to have for breakfast?"

"Awww Hell, Ma. I'll just have some Cheerios."

Mom's eyes flash and she swats him across the mouth. "I DON'T EVER WANT TO HEAR THAT WORD FROM YOU AGAIN!!!!!!" He jumps up from the table and runs upstairs bawling his eyes out.

Mom straightens her apron, turns to the 5 yr old, and asks "So what are YOU going to have for breakfast?"

"I dunno Mom, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

Waxahachie TX
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What's the difference between a Harley and a Vacuum cleaner. Its the location of the Dirt Bag.

Hanford CA
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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