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help with shyness : Swingers Discussion 59450
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TOPIC: help with shyness
Created by: nccouple72
Original Starting post for this thread:
*1st time poster here...please be gentle =)*

ok heres my ?....directed at men and woman. Heres my problem, I'm shy! always have been... once i know someone, feel comfortable with them, etc.. i warm up, im very outgoing, talkative, flirting... but i have the worst time getting to know you and warming up, i've been told recently that i "don't put myself out there"... well what does that mean anyway? and am i too old school to think the men should be flirting first? ok so now about the girls, i am bi, love it, not just curious or in the situation, i love the feel, touch, etc of a woman... but when it comes to flirting or letting her know how i feel, i don't know what to do even if i was brave enough to actually do it! LOL... as with most woman once i have a few drinks it gets a little easier, but i don't want to be trashed to be flirty, kinda goes against the fun to be had later to me....i know theres other shy people out there, but im more interested in the people who USED to be shy and how they overcame it. We love the lifestyle and the friends we've made but would love to get to know more people and have more fun.. *devilish grin* ..i don't want to hold us back... any suggestions appreciated! go ahead and spell it out for me, what exactly tells you a girl is interested in you, what body language etc.... thanks! nccouple

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Yeah...just read the profile. That is a higher pressure situation. Well, I still say looking for another woman who's interested in f/f play only AND is experienced in it is your way to go. When you find her, suggest going out dancing. (If you're shy about being seen publicly getting down & dirty with her, go to a swing club.) I personally think that's the easiest way to get it going with her. Hope it helps.... have fun :) -MJ

Boulder City NV
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It is overwhelming! As much as I wanted to do it, my first time I just crossed my fingers and hoped she'd take charge. Try to make plans with someone you know is experienced in the bi stuff, especially for your first time. NOT A NEWBIE. I think that because we did that, it was much less pressure on me. Many profiles say "bi" but when you get down to it you just aren't sure she wants to....so I would go for someone who stresses "very bi" or something to that effect so there's less guesswork. And when you're together, show interest in her and talk to her, even if in a total vanilla way (If that's all you can muster up). If you only act interested in her husband all evening, even a veteran probably won't feel she has the green light to jump you. And remember, you don't need to start with girl play and feel like you're on stage. It can come between rounds with the men, or you can jump in and help her give your husband oral and then kiss her while your mouths are there anyways.... Fantasize about the million different ways it can happen. You'll feel more prepared, and what the hell, it's good entertainment :) -MJ

Boulder City NV
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shyness is ok

Las Vegas NV
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The age old My name is always works on me. I also use this when meeting new people. My wife is shy so I do all the leg work. For the most part. Provacative dancing also works, when searching for a male or female. Eye contact with a wink also helps in this area.

Male half of couple

Cleveland OH
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I neglected to give any advice more specifically geared towards flirting with the girls. For one thing, interacting with someone you know is bi/ Bi-Curious takes away some guesswork. Profiles are a beautiful thing!

Some of the same tips work, of course. Definitely keep the eye contact, smile, and check her out openly. Compliment her! (Not JUST her shirt! LOL!) If dancing is an option, go for it. Rub up against your men together, and end up in the middle with her. If there's no clear leader, it can be difficult. If jumping right in face-to-face is intimidating, dance behind her and touch her waist and hips. Kiss her neck.

Once you're naked and still trying to figure it out, here are other choices. Maybe your husband is more of a leader and can do his best to position you two ladies together. Talk about this ahead of time. If your swapped partner runs for a bathroom break, jump on the pile with your husband and the other lady. Work on him together, or just kiss whatever you can reach, even if it's her back. Hopefully she'll show interest! Have fun! -Mrs. W.

Boulder City NV
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I (the Mrs.) have come out of my shell quite a bit since we began swinging. I think that it has made me a much more social person, but in the beginning it was really difficult and nervewracking! Start by meeting more experienced swingers. They will be more accustomed to leading the conversation and flirting. Choose an atmosphere where you will be most comfortable. Try to avoid meeting in places where you will run into vanilla friends and feel awkward. Start in a place where you can talk without shouting, and get to know each other a bit. Then go somewhere where you can dance and flirt and NOT have to talk every second. If I'm nervous, I can flirt better nonverbally. When talking, simply act interested as you would in any social situation. Ask questions. Calm yourself down by pretending this is normal vanilla small talk...jobs, kids, etc... and keep eye contact. Smile! If you're feeling sparks, let your look linger and hold eye contact as long as you can. One of you is bound to smile mischievously or laugh, and you know you're on your way! Sometimes I remind myself to look down at the way I'm sitting. Am I sitting tightly as if I don't want to be touched? If so, loosen up. No crossed arms; keep hands accessible if someone wanted to touch one. Stand close. Think of reasons to touch a little: take a sip of his drink, brushing his hand as you go. Let him catch you totally checking him out, and then smile. Have fun with it...these are the things you normally don't have the chance to do!

Call me old fashioned...(Please! It's been a while since someone has...lol!) but I think it's the lady's job to show she's interested and a man's job to move in on that. Don't be overwhelmed by thinking you have to do everything. You don't have to bring the dominatrix vinyl suit and whip the boy...just give him permission with your flirting and if he kisses you that will be fuel to keep going. A real gentleman won't cross into your personal space until you somehow let him know he's welcome to. -Mrs. W :)

Boulder City NV
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making direct eye contact with a man help invite him to talk to you.

I know men in the lifestyle are hesitant to make the first move because for some reason women control the show.

for info from the guys look in the mens forums there is one half way down the first page title.. men what do you really think ! it helped me understand alot.

as far a women go just be yourself. if you see her dancing go dance. the conversation will come by the end of the song.

What i found works best is hello my name is.

That's not to be sarcastic it really works 8-)

Bridgeport PA
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seriously? no ones had this problem? ok let me rephrase so someone might respond.... guys!, girls!.....what are the things (body language, flirting, etc) a woman does,that tells you a woman is interested or attracted to you? outside of batting eyelashes and crossing your legs 50 times, havent heard much advice? ANYONE got something to add????? any response is appreciated =)

China Grove NC
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*1st time poster here...please be gentle =)*

ok heres my ?....directed at men and woman. Heres my problem, I'm shy! always have been... once i know someone, feel comfortable with them, etc.. i warm up, im very outgoing, talkative, flirting... but i have the worst time getting to know you and warming up, i've been told recently that i "don't put myself out there"... well what does that mean anyway? and am i too old school to think the men should be flirting first? ok so now about the girls, i am bi, love it, not just curious or in the situation, i love the feel, touch, etc of a woman... but when it comes to flirting or letting her know how i feel, i don't know what to do even if i was brave enough to actually do it! LOL... as with most woman once i have a few drinks it gets a little easier, but i don't want to be trashed to be flirty, kinda goes against the fun to be had later to me....i know theres other shy people out there, but im more interested in the people who USED to be shy and how they overcame it. We love the lifestyle and the friends we've made but would love to get to know more people and have more fun.. *devilish grin* ..i don't want to hold us back... any suggestions appreciated! go ahead and spell it out for me, what exactly tells you a girl is interested in you, what body language etc.... thanks! nccouple

China Grove NC
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TOPIC: help with shyness