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changing the misperceptions of vanilla friends : Swingers Discussion 204104
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TOPIC: changing the misperceptions of vanilla friends
Created by: biodoc98
Original Starting post for this thread:
Mrs. Here- We are still new to this and I have enjoyed reading through the forums and getting an idea of the “lay of the land”. I guess I am fairly open-minded, and so while I have certainly learned a few things, I haven’t heard of/read anything shocking or crazy in regards to the lifestyle. Most everybody seems as sane and horny as we are! A friend caught me off guard the other day, though, when she said her husband was talking to an acquaintance who may be doing some landscaping work for them, and the acquaintance brought up that he and his wife were swingers. My friend was completely outraged and insisted that the guy never be allowed to work at the house when her husband isn’t home, for fear of the safety of she and their newborn daughter. As only one vanilla friend knows of our activities (as a safety net) I carefully made a comment that I didn’t think swingers would “go after” anybody who didn’t welcome their advances. Did I miss somewhere in the newbie section where it explains that “we” all have to be rapists/murders/insane? Is this a common perception? How has anybody else dealt with “fixing” misconceptions without telling their vanilla friends that they are swingers? Or has anybody lost friends for “coming out” as swingers?

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Disclaimer: we tend to hang with hippies and freaks...

But 9 of out 10 people we wind up sharing our lifestyle with either respond with mild interest and then move on. I've had more excitinG conversations about new movie releases. Our friends just don't really seem to care. Our open relationship dynamic garners more questions than anything.

Of the 5 coworkers we've shared with: - one didn't care and in fact forgot when he met my SO and was surprised when she brought it up - one acted disappointed I hadn't told her sooner as she was entering a mono relationship - one shrugged and said "us too" - one is jealous of K and from all the sex she gets. (coworkers are off limits) - one is more curious about our open relationship

None seemed to negatively judge and all 5 have become closer coworkers since.

We either read people well, are set up for a huge fall, or are learning most people just really don't give a crap.

J&K

Roswell GA
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That is the way it should be, but it doesnt usually end up that way.

Augusta NJ
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Tomorrow's party here will include a mix of swinger and non swinger friends. Everyone gets along well. But then, we have (mostly) mature friends who know how to act depending on the people involved. The SA's here, for example, get along with vanilla friends we have known for years. There is always flirting at our parties, that's true of vanilla as well as swing friends. It's part of any type of fun.

That said, we flirted for a long time with the couple coming from VA to stay with us this week before they also stepped into the wonderful world of swinging. They have their own MO, we have ours, but we've enjoyed sharing that with them too.

We eschew closed-minded people, but we also are not going to fling it all in the faces of those who would neither understand nor agree with what we choose to do sexually.

Gina

San Antonio TX
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In ten years or so, I have seen nothing but drama come from those who mixed vanilla and lifestyle, but even when warned they think they are the exception. I sit back and watch them burn thier lives down, divorce, child custody, grandparents that cant see thier grandkids, everyone in town knowing, of course I have heard of it alot and I have only known three of the people that I have watched it happen to. Each three (two single fems and a married male) have regretted it but they wanted it so bad,, now they are not on sites, dont have a swing life, or have moved to another state to have peace about thier choices. Just be careful, you may regret it.

Spring TX
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People are afraid of what they dont understand.

Most of our friends DO know about what we do. And most of them, I have had lengthy discussing explaining the mindset behind it and most have been interested, not in joining, but in "how it all works"

You have to remember, most people are taught sex and love only go together, you have one partner for life.

I cant tell you how many times ive had to explain the difference between swinging and cheating.

We get people that cant believe that we are in love. They think we're together but still looking for "the one"

So its best to keep it private unless you dont mind explaining the concept to people and discussing it.

Sexuality is so broad that many dont understand different aspects of it.

Look at things like BDSM. There are aspects of that I find gross and so far wild that it scares me. And Im really openminded.

Even within the swinger community you have different mindsets.

As a bi guy, many equate that to "He is going to chase my husband around the room and try to stick him in the butt" Thats so far from reality but many wont take the time to understand it, so they just run from it.

I happen to be a good talker so I dont mind explaining it to vanilla friends and in those conversations I always change their perception to it being something that they now understand. They may not agree with it, but they understand it.

Mount Juliet TN
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In that scenario we have lifestyle friends that have come to parties we've hosted for our vanilla friends with definite success.

Toledo OH
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I guess I should clarify. I meant mixing the two in the sense that we are becoming friends with a playmate and as he shares many interests with us, had we met him any other way, he most likely would eventually meet the rest of our (vanilla) friends. Obviously we would need to watch how affectionate we are in mixed company, but does anybody have experience of the two worlds meeting? I will have to look back in the forums as I hadn't noticed talk of this but am glad to know there are threads about it.

Philadelphia PA
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Friends with Benefits developing from vanilla friendships? That sounds like a pipe dream. If you start sharing your lifestyle choices with vanilla friends, a couple thoughts easily come to the top "What's on thier agenda? Why are they sharing this?" If they think for a minute you have a hidden agenda, you're risking a true friendship. To us, that's always been way more risk than it's worth. You are WAY more likely to find another swinger couple on here to become friends with. You already know that they're swingers. If the friendship goes south, you've risked nothing and hopefully had a little fun along the way.

Toledo OH
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I would stick to *Discreet* It's the password for safe, clean fun. I've heard more bad then good when this happens. Mixing the two worlds. Surf the threads and go back some there are lots of threads about it with differant storys. But I wouldn't take anything you might read in threads as gospel. It's all trial and era what works for some doesn't work for others. Always, always trust your gut.

Buford GA
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So sort of along the same lines, and maybe this should be a new post, but what about mixing vanilla and lifestyle friends? I have heard lots of encouraging stories of true friends with benefit situations developing, and seem to happily going that way with one of our new friends. So if a simple back story is created, has anybody had luck/ horror stories of combining friend groups?

Philadelphia PA
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TOPIC: changing the misperceptions of vanilla friends