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FORUMS General Discussions Getting Started Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover
TOPIC: Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover
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I sent a message to the host and gave him my philosophy on swinging and I'd like to share what I told him. The couples and singles that were regulars were very respectful to my wife and didn't act like they were in a hurry for anything. I get the feeling that they take pride in how they treat the people they swing with. It's fun, but they also want to take the time to understand the needs of the other person or couple. This guy wasn't a problem just because he was single. He arrived with his girlfriend, but spent no time with her. When I walked on my wife and him he wasn't interested in exploring my wife's body. He didn't even take her clothes off. It was all about just getting laid, like a high school kid after the prom. Why my wife fell for his charm, only she knows (There might be more issues then meet the eye, I don't know), but he didn't belong at a swing party to begin with. The host said he agreed and had already decided not to invite him back to any future events. Hopefully my next experience will be as advertised. Thanks again for your words of wisdom. I'm still trying to make sense of my emotions, but I'm anxious to give it another try.

Bakersfield CA
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lifenbako...

I'm keeping it short with my opinion. Your wife may be able to swing, but she's not ready to swing. Whether you're a great talker/listener or not...you are headed for trouble. Enthusiasm is not enough.

Littleton CO
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If having sex with the other guy meant nothing, then why did she go off and hide to do it? Is that why she called the host to thank them. Possibly meeting up with this same guy at a second party? If you do attend another house party, and she decides to go off and do the same thing .Please do not take it out of the gentleman she will be with. I am sure she would not be as honest with him about playing alone as she was to you about playing together. If you do go to the same home for a party , I would see if that same guy is going to be in attendance. If so, I would tell( not suggest or ask) the wife you two are skipping it. She has to take your feelings into consideration. After all when you two decide to swing as a couple , the enjoyment is to be had by all. Good Luck :)

Augusta NJ
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Thanks for the responses. I'm a talker so communicating is never an issue, except that I talk too much about things. It has been a week since this happened and I have tried to get over things, but our talks never seem to make me feel better (see above, too much talking about it). The bottom line, she still wants to go to more parties and wants us to hook up with other couples. Great I'm open as long as we're doing it together. She just wants to have fun and says it meant nothing having sex with the guy and that it only means something with me. She e-mailed the host of the party the following day and told him she had a great time and can't wait for the next one. I guess I hoped that considering how the first one made me feel she might be a little apprehensive about going again, or at the very least she would consider it a mistake and not act like she had the tme of her life. She assures me nothing like that will happen again, but ... didn't we have that conversation before and during the party? I guess we'll just have to see if she can control herself at the next one. If she doesn't, I'm not sure I will be able to this tme.

Bakersfield CA
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I am with Va, i would be livid. You confronted her right off the bat and she denied wanting the guy. What was her excuse when you caught her? If I were you, I would sit her down asap and have a very long talk. Holding in your feelings will only fester. Good luck :)

Augusta NJ
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The problem you have here is one of trust. Your wife couldn't seem to control herself well enough to not sneak away at her first opportunity.

I don't mind seeing my wife with another lover. In fact, it's cool. BUT - if we were under a "no playing tonight" or "don't get busy on your own" agreement and I found her off having sex with someone else, I'd be LIVID.

The issue is trust. What exactly your wife was doing to break your trust - having sex, raiding the freezer, or emptying your bank account - is really secondary.

Winter Garden FL
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I went to my first Swingers party last weekend, in large part because my wife said she wanted to hook up with another couple. We had talked about it for months and I finally just said what the heck and looked online and happened to find a local party. During our previous talks, she assured me it was not about her just wanting another guy and we talked a lot about rules and open communication. Unfortunately, I don't think you ever know how you'll feel until it happens. After four hours of watching, participating in some games and talking to other couples, I could see my wife was attracted to a younger, single guy at the party. She kept telling me she wasn't, but I could tell. In either case, she kept telling me she wanted to hook up with a couple like we planned, but at one point when I went to get a drink for us, she slipped away and I found them going at it in a room. I don't know how I would have felt had I been involved in the process, but I can tell you I have found it difficult to get over the shock and have felt betrayed. At the same time, I love my wife and want her to be happy. I wish there was some magic potion to take away my hurt feelings, but I can't help but feel a little insecure.

Bakersfield CA
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These forums are just great for getting up to speed on every aspect of the lifestyle. Just seeing my wife "off the chain", was fantastic. Plus, It gave us lots of stuff to talk about afterward, I appreciate that part, because prior to this, she didn't care to have frank, graphic conversations about sex. Now she does, and it added a very positive element to our relationship. I guess the jealousy aspect would be the most difficult thing to deal with. One thing that I think helped us, was her having phone sex with the gentleman that we played with later. She hit the ground running, and while she was tired after, both of us men were barely able to stand. I feel that a lot of years went by, where she did not have the opportunity to realize her full potential in the bedroom. Lots to think about and discuss between us upon discovering this lifestyle, and it has been very positive.

Spring TX
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Indeed there are going to be feelings. Think of how many messages in popular culture celebrate jealousy and make it seem righteous. That stuff burrows into the subconscious and can come out at unexpected times. Not that it has to, but it can, so don't be scared off when it happens.

It will pass. A strong relationship and good communication will help it pass. With practice it will atrophy away entirely.

And that leaves the fun feelings! And boy are they fun!

-Steve

Santa Fe NM
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There are going to be feelings. No one really talks too much about that. It's what you do with those feelings and how you handle things that makes this a "success" or a "failure." Any twinge of jealousy or uncomfortable-ness will pass if you let yourself feel them, and if you talk about things. You learn so much about yourself.

And again, it can certainly make you feel closer and more connected as a couple.

The key is communication, and you have to be in a good place with your partner in order to be turned on by seeing them with someone else. If you spend your time concerned with what's going on with them, as in thinking or fretting that they are ok with things, then you will be inhibited in your play. That part WILL get better as you gain experience.

The newness of any experience is/can be exciting but also a little nerve wracking. That's true of non-sexual activities as well.

You will be fine, and you will, in time, surprise yourselves with how much enjoyment you may feel seeing your partner with others. Or playing in separate rooms and then hearing about the details after.

Have fun, Gina

San Antonio TX
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TOPIC: Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover