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FORUMS General Discussions Getting Started Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover
TOPIC: Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover
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Thanks again for all your comments. I'm a big boy and I can take it. I didn't call the host to complain, I just wanted to gain a better understanding of what to expect. It was my first time and he was serving as a sort of mentor. It was a follow-up to a conversation the host and I had at the party. The "regulars" knew we were newbees and were doing there best not to scare us off. I say that with a smile. I certainly don't expect everything to go perfectly or it to be some sort of sterile environment. I was pleasantly surprised with how under control most of the people there were while still having a lot of fun. My question about the "swinging single" was simply because his behavior seemed atypical for the people I've spoken to regarding the lifestyle and this specific group in general. Great points though, otherwise, but I wasn't crying foul, heck, I hope the other guy continues to go to parties. I'm not afraid of that situation, just aware of some of my wife's potential desires when I go to a party. To me it's not about just cheating with someone else, it's about sharing the experience with her. Others can do what they want, that's great. That's what I want to get out of the experience, an experience with my wife, not flying solo. Everybody wants something different, that's my thing. I will stay clear of others that want something different and I would hope my wife will too from this point on. If not, then I guess I've got a bigger decision to make. In either case, I'm a big boy, I can take it. Thanks again.

Bakersfield CA
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A lot of people try to use the lifestyle to replace something they feel is missing in their life or marriage. Best case scenario, the hidden issues are brought out before something truly devastating happens. The lifestyle is the last place you want to work out marital problems.

Panama City Beach FL
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Swinging is not an excuse for doing what you want without consideration for your partners feelings and preferences.

G.

San Antonio TX
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" If or when we go back, we will be ready or we won't go, at least I wont, it's as simple as that."

That one sentence spoke volumes in it's implications over everything else you said in your last post.

I hope things work out for you.

Littleton CO
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I agree with Va. And you are right Bako, only your wife can answer your questions. Have you sat and talked to her? I mean, mind you we all have preferences. I am a committed slow and steady girl. However...when a certain chemistry and attraction is there I am all ABOUT skipping foreplay and all of that, rip my clothes off and fuck me right there. It sounds to me like she and this guy were hot for each other and they wanted to just get to the fucking. Mmmm, those are very intense sexual experiences. And I can tell you that Jay and I often are separated at parties. We walk in, I go with this friend or that, he goes with that friend, we DEFINATELY are not joined at the hip....and not many of our friends are like that. You have a right to feel what you are feeling. I would suggest that you and your wife have a good talk.


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Has it occurred to you that your wife was actually getting exactly what she wanted? Sometimes people really like the "find an opening and do it quick" sex. Maybe you're finding out something about your wife that you didn't know here. One of the things which happens early in swinging with a lot of couples is that they end up learning certain things about the other's fantasies that they weren't aware of before, and that can be uncomfortable sometimes.

Honestly - I'm just telling you my opinion. In MY opinion you had no right to call the host and complain about the behavior of the single guy just because he didn't spend time with his girlfriend or didn't take the time to explore your wife's body. How isn't that blaming someone else for what happened with your wife? I know plenty of people who pretty much go their separate ways at parties, and plenty of people who LIKE hard and quick sex.

I'm sure you think I'm being a real jerk here, but if it were my party, I wouldn't see any reason not to invite him back. It seems the only person who had a problem with him is you. You will quickly have a reputation as drama-queens if this situation repeats itself. Trust me - you don't want that. Misunderstandings and problems with the rules should be kept between you and your wife and not made public.

Winter Garden FL
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Thanks again for your honest comments and this will likely be my last post on this subject. I agree with most everything you said, except for maybe the fact I'm somehow trying to make an excuse for my wife's behavior. I think my last post was written under the vein of setting aside the obvious trust issues this presented, it was more about my surprising discovery of what the lifestyle means to the people I met. My feeling from talking to most "experienced swingers" that the lifestyle is more about beng pleased and pleasing others, not just getting laid, boom, bang, in and out, I'm done see ya later. I know that exists everywhere, but for the folks that seem to keep coming back to these parties, I didn't get that feel. It was an education for someone who is still trying to feel my way through things. I'll be the first to admit that we were ill prepared for what we experienced and the aftermath, but like I said, it was an education. If or when we go back, we will be ready or we won't go, at least I wont, it's as simple as that. Thanks again for listening and offering your input.

Bakersfield CA
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Lifenbako...

Hope things work out for you two at the next party. It sounds like everything got squared away except the main issue which created your concerns in the first place. Fingers crossed your next experience ends better than the last one.

Littleton CO
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I apologize in advance for the blunt tone of this message, but I mean it with the best of intentions.

OK seriously... stop trying to find fault with others in this situation. Asking other people at the party to control themselves because your wife is unable to is completely unrealistic, unfair, and is attempting to absolve your wife from responsibility in this situation. She is a grown woman who should be completely in control of when and who with she does whatever. If you she is unable to stick your agreed upon rules then you're in for a world of hurt in swinging.

Even if you go to more parties and she manages to keep herself together that doesn't mean this problem is solved. You need to not feel like you constantly have to watch what she's doing or make her feel like she's under surveillance to keep her behaving. Until you are BOTH emotionally ready, I think you should not return to a party.

My wife and I have a short "rules" discussion - even now - before we enter into any situation (party, meet and greet, meeting a new couple out somewhere). The rules rarely change but we ALWAYS know what they are so that nobody is EVER going "HEY!!!!!!".

Winter Garden FL
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I sent a message to the host and gave him my philosophy on swinging and I'd like to share what I told him. The couples and singles that were regulars were very respectful to my wife and didn't act like they were in a hurry for anything. I get the feeling that they take pride in how they treat the people they swing with. It's fun, but they also want to take the time to understand the needs of the other person or couple. This guy wasn't a problem just because he was single. He arrived with his girlfriend, but spent no time with her. When I walked on my wife and him he wasn't interested in exploring my wife's body. He didn't even take her clothes off. It was all about just getting laid, like a high school kid after the prom. Why my wife fell for his charm, only she knows (There might be more issues then meet the eye, I don't know), but he didn't belong at a swing party to begin with. The host said he agreed and had already decided not to invite him back to any future events. Hopefully my next experience will be as advertised. Thanks again for your words of wisdom. I'm still trying to make sense of my emotions, but I'm anxious to give it another try.

Bakersfield CA
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TOPIC: Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover