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Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover : Swingers Discussion 1425521021
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FORUMSGeneral DiscussionsGetting StartedWas it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover
TOPIC: Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover
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What part of you screams WRONG? The part of your gut that says it's wrong, or all your coworkers who probably cheat on their husbands and make excuses about why it's OK?

If it's the former, you should not tinker with the lifestyle. If it's the latter, you need to let go of being constrained by "normal".

In either case, you shouldn't go there until you feel like it's truly OK. Maybe that will never come. If you want to do it and you trust your husband that it's OK if you do a guy while he watches or joins in, then really - you just need to not care about whether or not it's "normal". But if you're not really wanting to and are doing it just to placate your husband, this is not a good idea.

Most of us in the lifestyle pride ourselves on being abnormal. I stopped listening to lectures about why people like us are so morally corrupt and awful, by people who neglect, abuse, cheat on and just generally take their spouses for granted.

Chesapeake VA
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Hello Fad,

I think most of us here will say communication is the ultimate answer to your question. One other thing I strongly believe, is when you hit a "wall", walk sideways until you find another door then move forward, even if in baby steps.

Given you used all caps when you said "screams Wrong", maybe this LS simply isn't for you.

One other thing, never, ever take one for the team.

Mr. D

Chilton WI
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Needs some advise...I have looked for the right place to express my concerns and ask questions from more experienced individuals. I hope this is a good place to bring this up.

My husband and I have been together for almost 3 years; he along with past relationships have been a part of the swinging community. He is comfortable enjoys this. We don't want another couple, cause I just could not handle him with another women. He is wanting a 3some with another man and myself. He gets really turned on if I'm with another man. Keep in mind I am a very liberal person out there and very open minded, but sex is just not one of those areas. We have experimented with different things together and he has opened my mind to sex and all the pleasures that come with it.

But to bring another man into our relationship just screams WRONG to me. He assures me that he would never leave me, that he loves me, needs and wants me in his life forever. I know he's not a jealous person and that jealousy to him is more of a turn on.

Part of me wants to try it, but the other part still screams that it is wrong, and I don't know how to get over that. I'm secure in our relationship and the love we have for each other. Maybe I just need to get over myself and try it.

If you have ever been in this spot, I would love some words of advice or encouragement.

Thank you

Oregon City OR
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Our 1st 3sum was an impromptu meeting of a SM. I was mostly concerned because we were vacationing and on unfamiliar turf and not knowing the guy very well the situation back in the hotel room could have turned ugly real quick. As it turned out, he was a gentelman, albeit a very young, nervous and unexperienced SM. Seeing them kiss the 1st couple of times stung me real bad. That lasted all of about 10 to 20 seconds, then it was let the good times roll!

Chilton WI
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Being a typical guy I think before ever seeing her with another guy I had some normal inferiority complex things running through my head, but it was quickly overcame after seeing it the first time. I was totally turned on and have not looked back. I think she had similar feelings. One problem neither never had was a feeling that either of us were more into another than we are eachother. I have always felt that she was alwasy better with me and vice versa. If nothing else the "A" game always seemed to come out for the second round we always have with eachother after our play partners have left.

Wyomissing PA
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Rock on Pitt!!! Glad y'all had fun!


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NOPE. She's never been with another "lover". but i've seen her have sex with both men and women. But i'm not the jealous type.

Lake Worth FL
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sweetnslow, You have a good introspection about all this. And the fact that your relationship with each other is the priority says a lot about you as a couple. I think we do get "comfortable" with each other sometimes, and bring our "A" games when meeting new people, for the reasons you mentioned, and probably for dozens more. Your husband can "be himself" with you. And ok, sometimes we get lazy with each other. We want sex, intimacy, connection with our own partners, and let our guards down, our walls down with each other. We can be honest.

For a while, my husband would go down on other women b/c it was "expected" of him, not necessarily because it was something he just jumped at the change of doing. I know that about him, because he can let his guard down, and because he trusts me exclusively, and he can be more "honest." I'm not going to reject him for any reason. I love him. So, at first, when I saw that he did this for/with others, I had that twinge of "hey, why don't you do that with me?" Well duh. 1. it's also not my favorite thing to receive, so why would I want him to? 2. he knows what DOES get me off, knows it better than anyone ever could and ever will, so anything "extra" is just that...extra. 3. comfortable with each other doesn't have to mean complacent 4. there is no competition when it is just him and me, there is no rush, if something doesn't quite work out this time, or we laugh, or stop, or someone doesn't orgasm, they we know that we will be "trying" again later, or tomorrow, or even two or three days from now and the former incident won't be deemed as "negative." We are together. That's forever. With a new partner, or swing couple, this one time might be the only time.

You're on the right track by talking. Also by putting your relationship first. This swinging thing is for fun. Good luck to you both,

Gina

San Antonio TX
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We actually just got back from our first-ever experience with another couple (also members here on SLS - they know who they are!)...and we both loved it! We joined back in August and took our time making sure we found a couple that we trusted and felt very comfortable with.

Yes, we were both nervous about it, and probably will be until we become more experienced, but we didn't have any of the reactions that we were so worried about: no jealousy from either parter; no drama; no "freak out" moment. I think this is testimony to taking things slow and talking openly with your partner.

We realize that there's probably several bad experiences down the road for us...but we really lucked out finding the right people for our first time!


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I've been reading the posts, at first I was in awe how people ignored the original posters question about dealing with an emotion that may come up as part of swinging. I saw maybe 1 or 2 posts that tried, and it was an honest effort. The second half was a couple where one couldn't stick with the agreed rules and felt that swinging let them down.

There is no set standard for swinging, most of the beliefs of swinging are peoples own opinion and beliefs. There is nothing that can prepare you emotionally seeing someone you love with another person for the first time. For some it may be too much, and cause problems after. Veteran swingers will always say communication is key in swinging, but also understanding and knowing when to slow down and back off is also key. While some may want to discredit me for saying what I'm saying cause I'm a single, but I am observant of people, and I have seen couples that were friends broken up because they couldn't handle the emotions.

Sorry for my rant everyone.

Port Saint Lucie FL
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TOPIC: Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover