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FORUMS General Discussions Getting Started Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover
TOPIC: Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover
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I agree with the other posters that if it screams WRONG, then don't do it.

That doesn't mean stop talking about it though.

When a primal emotion like that wells up out of some unconscious place, that's a clue about something that is going on that can be investigated. We are all amalgamations of feelings and beliefs and we don't necessarily understand. This can be an opportunity to gain better understanding.

You say you're 'liberal' in many ways, but not in sex. Ask yourself why. Not in a challenging, there-must-be-something-wrong-with-you sort of way, but in an open minded way. This feeling is your teacher, your guide to exploring your own mind.

A potential difficulty here is that your guy would like you to have a different feeling than you have. That may make it difficult for you to talk through these feelings, their origins and effects without some degree of atmosphere of him trying to change your feeling. His challenge will be to really put down his desire for a change and just help you explore. Your challenge will be to trust that he is doing that.

A possible route for you then might be to also talk with people other than him, and explore whether you feel/believe them to be doing something wrong. A difficulty here is that most therapists you talk to will not be open to non-monogamy in the first place, and you would get pushed the other way. I'm guessing that is why you're posing this question here, to a sympathetic audience.

Perhaps imagine observing people practicing non-monogamy. Not necessarily sexually, just a scene with talking, flirting, hanging out without regard to their 'steady'. Then monitor your thoughts and feelings as closely and precisely as you can. Do you some angry moral judging voice condemning them? Do you feel more of a nonverbal 'yuck'? Do you imagine what your mother would say if she knew, and cringe with embarrassment?

You may end up unlocking the thing that leads to this WRONG feeling. That understanding may lead to that feeling fading or it may reinforce it or just shift it to a conviction, not just a preconscious feeling.

The hard part is investigating it without forcing it.

-steve

Santa Fe NM
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Agree with the previous posters, if it doesn't feel right (for one or both of you), then it's not worth it.

For us, participating in the lifestyle is an extension of OUR relationship...not a chance to play/fool around guilt-free. We see it as an enhancement...the same way using toys and/or role playing together would be...just a more extreme version. It's not something we necessarily "need", but it does help keep our passion for each other at a very high level.

Of course, different people try the lifestyle for different reasons...the key is to figure out why YOU (and your significant other) want to be in it, and if those reasons are ones that will strengthen your relationship, or hurt it.

As others have pointed out, communication IS the key...we talked out just about every bad (and good) scenario we could think of before diving into this, and going in with the right frame of mind and having an idea of how you would react to certain situations/issue if they occurred has certainly worked for us.

Someone gave us this advice going in that reallly was spot-on: This isn't a "race" - there are no prizes for rushing in. Take your time and figure out where you guys fit in the lifestyle...if at all.


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I agree with Lost. If you feel uncomfortable, then dont do it.

Augusta NJ
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But to bring another man into our relationship just screams WRONG to me."

If you feel strongly against this you should not do it and your husband will need to accept the fact that you are monogamous. And there is nothing wrong with being monogamous, swinging is not for everyone. You should not feel bad about it and no explanation is necessary...but you do need to communicate this with your husband. Good luck to you!


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What part of you screams WRONG? The part of your gut that says it's wrong, or all your coworkers who probably cheat on their husbands and make excuses about why it's OK?

If it's the former, you should not tinker with the lifestyle. If it's the latter, you need to let go of being constrained by "normal".

In either case, you shouldn't go there until you feel like it's truly OK. Maybe that will never come. If you want to do it and you trust your husband that it's OK if you do a guy while he watches or joins in, then really - you just need to not care about whether or not it's "normal". But if you're not really wanting to and are doing it just to placate your husband, this is not a good idea.

Most of us in the lifestyle pride ourselves on being abnormal. I stopped listening to lectures about why people like us are so morally corrupt and awful, by people who neglect, abuse, cheat on and just generally take their spouses for granted.

Winter Garden FL
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Hello Fad,

I think most of us here will say communication is the ultimate answer to your question. One other thing I strongly believe, is when you hit a "wall", walk sideways until you find another door then move forward, even if in baby steps.

Given you used all caps when you said "screams Wrong", maybe this LS simply isn't for you.

One other thing, never, ever take one for the team.

Mr. D

Chilton WI
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Needs some advise...I have looked for the right place to express my concerns and ask questions from more experienced individuals. I hope this is a good place to bring this up.

My husband and I have been together for almost 3 years; he along with past relationships have been a part of the swinging community. He is comfortable enjoys this. We don't want another couple, cause I just could not handle him with another women. He is wanting a 3some with another man and myself. He gets really turned on if I'm with another man. Keep in mind I am a very liberal person out there and very open minded, but sex is just not one of those areas. We have experimented with different things together and he has opened my mind to sex and all the pleasures that come with it.

But to bring another man into our relationship just screams WRONG to me. He assures me that he would never leave me, that he loves me, needs and wants me in his life forever. I know he's not a jealous person and that jealousy to him is more of a turn on.

Part of me wants to try it, but the other part still screams that it is wrong, and I don't know how to get over that. I'm secure in our relationship and the love we have for each other. Maybe I just need to get over myself and try it.

If you have ever been in this spot, I would love some words of advice or encouragement.

Thank you

Oregon City OR
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Our 1st 3sum was an impromptu meeting of a SM. I was mostly concerned because we were vacationing and on unfamiliar turf and not knowing the guy very well the situation back in the hotel room could have turned ugly real quick. As it turned out, he was a gentelman, albeit a very young, nervous and unexperienced SM. Seeing them kiss the 1st couple of times stung me real bad. That lasted all of about 10 to 20 seconds, then it was let the good times roll!

Chilton WI
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Being a typical guy I think before ever seeing her with another guy I had some normal inferiority complex things running through my head, but it was quickly overcame after seeing it the first time. I was totally turned on and have not looked back. I think she had similar feelings. One problem neither never had was a feeling that either of us were more into another than we are eachother. I have always felt that she was alwasy better with me and vice versa. If nothing else the "A" game always seemed to come out for the second round we always have with eachother after our play partners have left.

Wyomissing PA
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Rock on Pitt!!! Glad y'all had fun!


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TOPIC: Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover