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Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover : Swingers Discussion 1425521011
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FORUMSGeneral DiscussionsGetting StartedWas it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover
TOPIC: Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover
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K, re: how to separate love from sex,

I don't know that I necessarily do separate 'love' from 'sex', but I don't necessarily sign up for all the freight that our culture attaches to the word 'love' either. When I'm making love with someone -- whether it is my wife or someone else -- I feel affection for them. The woman could be close to being a stranger, but take care of each other's bodies we manifest affection. When I feel the pleasure in her body, that pleases me. It wouldn't really work for me if it didn't.

Does that mean I'm "in love" with her? I dunno. Mostly I don't like the "in love" terminology that much, with its implication of a switch that gets flipped and then the world is different. It seems much more like a continuum to me. Does the sex move her on that continuum toward more affection. Yeah, probably, but there are limits to how far that can go from just sex.

So, I guess I'm saying I don't separate them completely, but I don't connect them completely either.

-steve

Santa Fe NM
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Pixie, I love this comment:

As long as you're being honest with yourself, you know what YOU are thinking.

That sort of honesty with yourself and knowing what you are thinking is a key life skill that seems obvious but I think is hard for many people. We're bombarded constantly with messages about what to think, feel and want, so it can be hard to clear all that away and listen to the voice that comes from inside.

Once you can do that though, you know what it sounds like and you can't go back!

-steve

Santa Fe NM
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It was not hard to see my spouse with another woman, in fact it turned me on big time, if anything it has made the sex hotter, because now I learned of another one of his fantasies :)

Chesterfield MI
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Seperating the emotions is relatively easy. As long as you're being honest with yourself, you know what YOU are thinking. The hard part is trusting that your spouse is willing and able to do the same. The bottom line is that you need to develop that trust and you can only do that by putting yourselves in real situations and confronting the fears you have. If you confront your fears with open and honest communication, you'll do fine. Anything less than that, and you'll likely do more harm than good or, at best, the journey will be much more difficult.

For us, sex and love have nothing to do with each other in terms of swinging. Sex is an act and love is an emotion. When we make love with each other it is sex, but it includes a major componant that is completely missing in swinging.... love. When we have sex with others, our intent has nothing to do with love, at least as defined between husband and wife anyway.

Quite frankly, swinging is comparable to any other hobby which brings us excitement, perhaps like sky diving, mountain climbing, or hunting. Once you've gotten the trust and communication figured out, there's almost no difference between swinging and any other thrill seeking hobby.

Panama City Beach FL
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With more reflection I keep thinking about the emotional aspects of this. And maybe this was the first question I should have asked. How do you seperate the emotion of love and the act of sex?

I'm not concerned about falling in love or loving the other person we bring in, I know there is a difference and I certainly didn't fall in love with my husband because of the sex. We talked on phone, text and emails for over a month before we met face to face and it was in that time that I fell in love with him.

I've never been one to have just casual sex or one night stands and in my mind you have sexual relations with someone you're in love with or in a relationship with, the usual ideals that we were taught in sex ed class in school (so long ago). So I guess that's the question, how do you seperate out the emotions?

Oregon City OR
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Thank you all for your comments. My husband and I have both look at them and talked about it even more.

With further contemplation over my "screams wrong" comment, I'm not worried about what other people would say if they find out. I don't even judge people for what they do in their own lives, and I don't feel its immorally corrupt. If people are comfortable with this lifestyle, then who am I to judge them. Hey, more power to them.

My husband and I do talk about it all the time, and my post made him feel like he was pushing me in this direction and I need to make it clear that he is in no way doing that. He is very supportive and understands my questions and concerns. He is wonderful and I'm very luck to have him.

Steve-thank you for your words. I think part of the hold up for me is that as a child sex was never talked about. Being raised by a single father the talk was, you do it and die. The fear of God method was very affective. I lost my virginity at the age of 20 and married him. I never experimented with sex and have had very few partners. It wasn't until I met my husband that I realized a women could have more then one orgasim. How sad it that?

I guess you could say I'm very inexperienced in this aspect of my life. And you're right, I think he is trying to help me open up and explore while at the same time he is very respectful to my past and history.

This is a new area that I'm trying to explore, trying to look at it from all angles and hear from different people to see it this is something I could bring into my life and be ok with it. As I get older I find that I have to analyze things a little more, more cautious then in my youth.

Thank you all for your comments, its open my mind and given me a little more to chew on.

K

Oregon City OR
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I agree with the other posters that if it screams WRONG, then don't do it.

That doesn't mean stop talking about it though.

When a primal emotion like that wells up out of some unconscious place, that's a clue about something that is going on that can be investigated. We are all amalgamations of feelings and beliefs and we don't necessarily understand. This can be an opportunity to gain better understanding.

You say you're 'liberal' in many ways, but not in sex. Ask yourself why. Not in a challenging, there-must-be-something-wrong-with-you sort of way, but in an open minded way. This feeling is your teacher, your guide to exploring your own mind.

A potential difficulty here is that your guy would like you to have a different feeling than you have. That may make it difficult for you to talk through these feelings, their origins and effects without some degree of atmosphere of him trying to change your feeling. His challenge will be to really put down his desire for a change and just help you explore. Your challenge will be to trust that he is doing that.

A possible route for you then might be to also talk with people other than him, and explore whether you feel/believe them to be doing something wrong. A difficulty here is that most therapists you talk to will not be open to non-monogamy in the first place, and you would get pushed the other way. I'm guessing that is why you're posing this question here, to a sympathetic audience.

Perhaps imagine observing people practicing non-monogamy. Not necessarily sexually, just a scene with talking, flirting, hanging out without regard to their 'steady'. Then monitor your thoughts and feelings as closely and precisely as you can. Do you some angry moral judging voice condemning them? Do you feel more of a nonverbal 'yuck'? Do you imagine what your mother would say if she knew, and cringe with embarrassment?

You may end up unlocking the thing that leads to this WRONG feeling. That understanding may lead to that feeling fading or it may reinforce it or just shift it to a conviction, not just a preconscious feeling.

The hard part is investigating it without forcing it.

-steve

Santa Fe NM
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Agree with the previous posters, if it doesn't feel right (for one or both of you), then it's not worth it.

For us, participating in the lifestyle is an extension of OUR relationship...not a chance to play/fool around guilt-free. We see it as an enhancement...the same way using toys and/or role playing together would be...just a more extreme version. It's not something we necessarily "need", but it does help keep our passion for each other at a very high level.

Of course, different people try the lifestyle for different reasons...the key is to figure out why YOU (and your significant other) want to be in it, and if those reasons are ones that will strengthen your relationship, or hurt it.

As others have pointed out, communication IS the key...we talked out just about every bad (and good) scenario we could think of before diving into this, and going in with the right frame of mind and having an idea of how you would react to certain situations/issue if they occurred has certainly worked for us.

Someone gave us this advice going in that reallly was spot-on: This isn't a "race" - there are no prizes for rushing in. Take your time and figure out where you guys fit in the lifestyle...if at all.

Pittsburgh PA
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I agree with Lost. If you feel uncomfortable, then dont do it.

Augusta NJ
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But to bring another man into our relationship just screams WRONG to me."

If you feel strongly against this you should not do it and your husband will need to accept the fact that you are monogamous. And there is nothing wrong with being monogamous, swinging is not for everyone. You should not feel bad about it and no explanation is necessary...but you do need to communicate this with your husband. Good luck to you!

San Marcos TX
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TOPIC: Was it hard for you to see your spouse or parter with another lover