Trying to restart my wifes engine: Swingers Discussion 199652

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TOPIC: Trying to restart my wife's engine

Created by: realpeople4male Original Starting post for this thread:
We started in the lifestyle about 5 years ago and had a great time for abut 6 months. She really loved it but I had a lot of trouble figuring out what rules we needed to follow. I realized too late we should have started slower and only soft swap at first. She had no problems being with men, women and having fun. The trouble for her came with increasing drama from other couples we met which finally ending with a really ugly "break up" with another couple that left her really bitter about the lifestyle. After a slow cooling down that lasted about a year, we have completely stopped. Now, she doesn't seem to want to even talk about swinging. That is, unless we're having sex. Then it's all she wants to talk about. In the heat of sex, she loves fantasizing about threesomes, foursomes and gang bangs. I'm left confused and frustrated by her hot talk and then cold response to my follow up questions about possibly trying again. I'm not sure what to do. Any ideas?

Created by: realpeople4male
Original Starting post for this thread:

We started in the lifestyle about 5 years ago and had a great time for abut 6 months. She really loved it but I had a lot of trouble figuring out what rules we needed to follow. I realized too late we should have started slower and only soft swap at first. She had no problems being with men, women and having fun. The trouble for her came with increasing drama from other couples we met which finally ending with a really ugly "break up" with another couple that left her really bitter about the lifestyle. After a slow cooling down that lasted about a year, we have completely stopped. Now, she doesn't seem to want to even talk about swinging. That is, unless we're having sex. Then it's all she wants to talk about. In the heat of sex, she loves fantasizing about threesomes, foursomes and gang bangs. I'm left confused and frustrated by her hot talk and then cold response to my follow up questions about possibly trying again. I'm not sure what to do. Any ideas?

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User Details are only visible to members.	Well said Mrs Sav. "The problem started when some of the couples we met would react in ways we weren't expecting. One word would be taken the wrong way and people would stop talking to us forever." ----- I'm trying to understand this, but I can't imagine what you mean. I even have too many questions to write them... I could be wrong about this but the only thing I expect with swinging, is the unexpected. There's just no way for me to predict anything. ...Altho with boundaries in place and enough open conversation with others, ...I do hope for the best. But, what kind of words could have stopped them from talking to you forever? ... I'm confused.
Kunkletown PA			Username hidden (2981 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	"She really loved it but I had a lot of trouble figuring out what rules we needed to follow." this is the sentence that SCREAMED at me and may be a huge part of the problem. You mention the bad breakup of another couple and without prying I wonder if you had some part in that? If the rules are clearly defined that should be ZERO issue with following them. The biggest key to successful swinging starts with trust. Partners must trust each other not only in regard to cheating but also trust that each of you knows what the rules are and will abide by them. That means if she says NO to texting, oral sex, kissing, full swap or WHATEVER it is understood that those things will not be a part of the swinging experience you share. If in fact you "broke" established rules, she has no reason to trust you respect her wishes and in turn would have no desire to set herself up for disappointment and hurt when the rules are broken.In a swinging relationship a couple MUST agree to go at the pace of the slowest player, must abide by the rules of the most hesitant partner. It matters not in the least if you completely agree with them, if you want to swing you swing by the rules that make your partner comfortable enough to share that with you. I do not know what rules you had trouble following but I will say this, once you have destroyed someones trust , they may forgive you and get over it but that is not the same thing as trusting you again. In thinking about the other couple and their drama/issues perhaps her biggest fear is that the same thing will happen in her own relationship. The swinging world is full of people who have issues, create drama, break up , behave inappropriately....just like reality. The difference is that you've added others to your intimate life and although it can be a wonderful thing it can also will put your entire life under a microscope, test your love and commitment , question your values and relationship as a whole each and every time an issue arises. I suggest you have a meaningful conversation with your wife about what her fears are, why she is bitter, what concerns she has etc. In the event you convince her to try again I suggest you follow the rules to the letter, let her know in action and deed that you respect her , love her and will go at her pace. I'd also accept the fact that if you are given a second chance at swinging any misstep might be your last so tread very very lightly. Mrs Sav
Weaver AL			Username hidden (4110 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	No, we never really did mfm except once during a house party for about 20 minutes. It really didn't matter what we were doing, she loved it. The problem started when some of the couples we met would react in ways we weren't expecting. One word would be taken the wrong way and people would stop talking to us forever. This happened with two different couples we didn't have a real strong connection to, but it still hurt our feelings. Then a couple we felt were our friends stopped talking to us completely for no apparent reason. It hit my wife hard and she started to withdraw from the lifestyle. We played less and less after that until a year later we were no longer even using the word swinging.
Natalia TX			Username hidden (2 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I just re-read your OP... question... are you saying she loved mfm, but because of the couple fiasco (mfmf) , she stopped wanting either?
Kunkletown PA			Username hidden (2981 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Welcome to the forums realpeople! :) I agree of course, there can never be too much communication, maybe you can get her to open up more about what turned her off to it. I have this conversation with my husband all the time about talking about our fantasys during sex. We do the same, and he seems to think that 'everything' that turns me on during sex is something I secretly want to live out. Some I do, but some I really don't, ...and it's starting to annoy me. lol! Obviously she was turned off by the reality of those last experiences so much, and maybe she doesnt want to chance it happening again. (which i really dont know what it was exactly) Maybe she is feeling, fantasy's rock and reality just doesnt. Looking forward to what others have to say for you... Wishing you both much luck. ;)
Kunkletown PA			Username hidden (2981 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	you should ask her what exactly she is bitter about the lifestyle .Talk talk talk , ask her and let us know :)
San Francisco CA			Username hidden (14 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	We started in the lifestyle about 5 years ago and had a great time for abut 6 months. She really loved it but I had a lot of trouble figuring out what rules we needed to follow. I realized too late we should have started slower and only soft swap at first. She had no problems being with men, women and having fun. The trouble for her came with increasing drama from other couples we met which finally ending with a really ugly "break up" with another couple that left her really bitter about the lifestyle. After a slow cooling down that lasted about a year, we have completely stopped. Now, she doesn't seem to want to even talk about swinging. That is, unless we're having sex. Then it's all she wants to talk about. In the heat of sex, she loves fantasizing about threesomes, foursomes and gang bangs. I'm left confused and frustrated by her hot talk and then cold response to my follow up questions about possibly trying again. I'm not sure what to do. Any ideas?
Natalia TX			Username hidden (2 post)

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TOPIC: Trying to restart my wife's engine

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