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To stay together or separate at parties and etc : Swingers Discussion 365451021
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FORUMSGeneral DiscussionsGetting StartedTo stay together or separate at parties and etc
TOPIC: To stay together or separate at parties and etc
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You drive me insane, too, Cpl4Play, but I think it's that red thong that does it! LOL. Oh, and by the way, may I sniff your neck? ROFL

Jim

South Riding VA
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We have found that it's very difficult to find another couple to play with at house parties. Most of the parties we attend are made up of people who we've played with many times before, and we often just barely get in the door before we run into someone who wants to drag one or both of us off to see a painting, or something.......

We used to have a "rule" about always staying together, but that disappeared not too long after we got into the lifestyle. Now, we occasionally run into each other at parties, and sometimes we even do end up in the same room, but it's not required.

You do need to have a level of trust built up between yourselves to be comfortable going off separately, and you have to have all your drama issues worked out. But once you get to that point, you can meet some great people, and learn some new things. We went to one party where Paula met this guy who she liked a lot, and I met a new lady that I really clicked with. We talked about them during the party, and each of us wanted the other to meet these new people. Turned out they were married (to each other), and we've become good friends with them ever since.

This is just our experience, and it's worked well for us - Gary & Paula

West Sacramento CA
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Here's the secret that worked for me - and therefore for Mrs. Valovers too:

1) When you arrive at the party, kiss each other and say "Have a good time, Honey, and remember who you're going home with. We'll talk about the fun we had on the way home." And then don't even try to keep track of each other during the party. Cut each other loose to flirt or play with whomever you please, for as long as you please, and with as many as you please. You will spend more time with someone when you're really having a great time than with someone who is just so-so. And some parties you will play with 3, 4, or more people and some parties just one or even none. Every party is different, even if it's the same people. 2) Just "go with the flow." When you're not with the one that you love, love the one that you're with. You will be frequently surprised at how much fun it is with someone you would not have chosen as your 1st or 2nd choice. Don't try to plan who you will play with. Just seize whatever opportunity comes your way, when someone is showing interest in you, flirting, or just chatting with you. Remember, it's a sex party. If they weren't interested in you they'd be flirting with or chatting with someone else! If you're REALLY dense, get the book Mrs. Valovers bought for me - "101 Ways to Flirt." She swore I was so dense that I couldn't tell when I was being flirted with! So, naturally, being shy I missed an opportunity because the lady thought I wasn't interested. Nice book, by the way! :-) 3) If you're shy, force yourself to approach someone whom you find attractive and engage them in a conversation. You don't have to overtly flirt or try to be "cool" or sexy, and you don't have to talk about sex. Ask that person about themselves - where they're from, what they do, any children, how long swinging, how did they get started, etc. If you find them responsive and not just giving you short answers, then ask them to dance. Try to engage at least 3 or 4 people you don't know in such conversations. Stuff happens after conversation and an up-close slow dance.

So, don't make rules, don't try to keep track of each other, and truly mean it when you tell each other as you walk up to the door "Honey, I really want you to have as much fun as you want."

Swinging is stressful, and the newer you are to swinging the more stressful it is, and house parties are very stressful to newbies. You know, I've been at parties where I was having so much fun enjoying the ladies' sexy attire and socializing that I FORGOT to play! Honest to God! I've had parties where I played with as many as 3 different ladies, too. Just remember, "the sun don't shine on the same dog's arse every day!"

Jim

South Riding VA
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It took me THREE YEARS of attending house parties - maybe 4 or 5 a year - to finally figure out why I always felt like I had a bad time and screwed up another opportunity. I was always incredibly stressed before a party, so much so that Mrs. Valovers suggested we stop going because my stressing out ruined the fun. It also made HER feel like she couldn't just "cut loose" and enjoy herself because of my stress.

The problem was that I am an analytical type, and always wanted to PLAN THINGS IN ADVANCE. Well, at parties, nothing ever went as planned. If I had decided I wanted to be with Lady A and Lady B, and maybe with Lady C, then either I was too slow to ask and the lady was playing with someone else, or the lady didn't show up at the party, or the lady was on her period and couldn't play that night, etc., etc., etc. I am also, believe it or not, quite shy at parties, especially around women I only just met or barely know. I often would feel like the stereotypical wallflower at a high school dance.

Because of my stress over parties, I always came up with "rules." Mrs. Valovers was not allowed to play with more than 2 guys unless I had played at least once. Talk about constraining everything! Now Mrs. Valovers had to keep track of ME all night! Finally, after 3 years of stressing out over parties, I understood how to have a good time.

Since this post is so long it won't submit, I'll finish this in a 2nd post to tell how I got over this problem.

Jim

South Riding VA
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We went to one house party this summer, and we had one rule: no sex with each other! We decided that we were going to just jump in and do whatever felt right for each of us. I (L.) am more extroverted, and C. is more introverted, and our party "activites" reflected that- he hooked up with one woman for the night, and I was a little more...adventurous. But we both had discussed it before hand, and we both had a great time at the party in our own ways, and it turned out to be a fabulous night.

Personally, I find that it just stresses me out to try and pre-plan our play at an event like that. I'd rather we just discuss absolutely hard-and-fast, unbreakable rules, and then let the party take its course.

L., who tries not to overthink things, cause once I go down that road....

Ithaca NY
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We'd be happy to separate and find others who play separately (meaning he and I both get to be with someone we are thrilled to play with). But it seems like most of the couples only play together. That does make it really hard, because like most of you said, often only one of us is attracted to the opposite sex person in the other couple. Or both hubby and I like the wifey, but I don't wanna play with her husband. That's an ongoing problem, but oh well. I won't complain since I'm not stuck in a monogamous relationship. Where there's life, there's hope. :)

Reading PA
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We enjoy seperate rooms.That way we can relax and enjoy the moment.Even at parties we prefer going our seperate ways once we relax.He has enjoyed a 3some with women and i 2 guys.Theres your 3 cpls lol..But most of all enjoy and do whatever makes you feel good.

Beckley WV
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There's no question that at private house parties couples who will only play together in the same room have a more difficult time hooking up, because it's much harder to find another couple where BOTH women are attracted to each other's husband, and vice versa. In fact, if the party is rather small, say fewer than 8 couples, there's a good chance you won't play at all unless you separate, or unless you bring with you a couple that you are already friends with. That's not a bad idea, in fact. If you aren't comfortable with separate rooms and you're concerned that you won't find a "4-way click," then ask you host/hostess if you can bring another couple that you both enjoy to the party with you.

Precisely because it's so difficult to find even ONE couple where both of you click with the opposite gender person, we have found that most of the time when we meet a couple one of us is interested in playing with them and one of us is not interested. That's exactly the reason why we enjoy private house parties with 10-15 couples, where Mrs. Valovers and I can each play with whomever we want, without worrying about whether those people are a "couple" or not. And neither of us has to "take one for the team."

The vast MAJORITY of swingers we know are couples that we don't get together with as a foursome because one or the other of us would have to "take one for the team," which we won't do. That's why we value so much the couples we BOTH enjoy, and then we enjoy private parties because they give us each the opportunity to play with others that we would never get together with as just 2 couples.

There really isn't any right or wrong answer for this. You have to just agree on what you will do and won't do, and maybe next time try changing the rules and see how it works for you. It's the only way to find out what you like best. You'll never know that you would have loved chocolate ice cream best if you only ever tasted vanilla.

South Riding VA
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This question actually reminds me of the forum on same room/seperate room. Isn't this kind of the same thing? All depends on what you are comfortable with. If you do same room, it would be hard to "mix" couples. Especially if they are into the lifestyle for the reason we are. To enjoy each other get off, as well as ourselves. Just my opinion.

Lora

Pittston Township PA
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TOPIC: To stay together or separate at parties and etc