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Need some advice-having some problems : Swingers Discussion 58446
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TOPIC: Need some advice-having some problems
Created by: barkandpurr The original post for this thread was deleted.
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ummmmmm it's not unusual to have "flashbacks" if you were sexually assaulted. and here2fuck, it does mean the lady needs to be secure and comfortable w/the partner she is with. changes the whole topography of swinging.

Delton MI
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I'm not certain everyone is reading your post. As it reads: - You DO enjoy yourself after an initial adjustment period at the clubs or during private play sessions. (This counters the idea that you might not like the lifestyle.) - You DON'T like some of the activities or "techniques" that some other players have used on you.

The first concern you have is the typical "butterflies" effect that stage performers always experience before they start receiving positive feedback from an audience. From that viewpoint, your "butterflies" will never "disappear", but over time they will become less of a hinderance to you for future sessions. You will become more accustom to them the more you meet people. Likewise, you'll become more confident in yourself and how you can please your partners which will also help in minimizing their effect. Think of it like hitting that first hill on a roller coaster. Can't remember how many I've been on and I know that I'll be in one piece at the end of the ride, but every time I hit that first hill, no matter for how short a period, I still tense up in apprehension. It's normal.

One thing you should do is DON'T try to compensate for this by imbibing too much or not eating. You want to go into a session in effectively top phyiscal condition and those two things will keep you from that.

The second concern is that others aren't being very good mind readers when they're with you. So you might need to develop a "third rule" which is before really getting into the action, discuss with your sex partner(s) your limitations and concerns. That way they can make things enjoyable for you and not be so concern themselves that they might be doing something that isn't fun for you. By taking the "mind reading" out of the equation, everyone will know what their limits (if any) are. Likewise, you should also ask your partner(s) if there's anything they do or don't like so you can show the same consideration.

It's good to hear that you've worked through your jealousy of the first encounter where your husband was enjoying himself maybe a little too much for your liking. That he does engage in sex with you after you two have been playing with others should be the confirmation that he's still "all yours" at the end of the evening. For your own comfort, you may want to continue talking about how he feels from time to time, but remember that men are wired different than women. They indeed can just have "sex" and not really get into emotional ties with their sex partners. (lol) As long as he is thinking just that, you've got nothing to worry about in that department. (I'm just impressed that you have the energy after partying with others to satisfy each other afterwards. LOL)

Everythings a learning experience. It doesn't sound from your message like you really have "problems" (unless there's something you haven't written), but developing more experience and addressing the communication part with your husband and your sex partner(s) will probably go a long way to starting making the next few sessions more enjoyable for you.

Instead of the "club" scene, you might want to switch, at least for awhile, to just meeting couples (like the first encounter). This will allow you more control over the environment which might reduce your anxiety.

Best of luck to you and keep us posted!

Newburgh NY
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Frankly, it sounds like it's time to slow the heck down and take things in baby steps. This is normal and what many people need to do. There is not one best timeline even when a couple is committed to the idea of recreational sex. I respect and admire your candidness and hope you'll feel the same way about mine. If you can not make yourself eat, your body is telling you something that perhaps your brain doesn't want to accept. It's common knowledge we're some of the biggest winos on this site, LOL, but trust me, alcohol has no place on an empty, nervous stomach. I empathize with you for this problem but you need to be considerate of others as well. Having been around the lifestyle for many years, we've encountered the drunk scene, the crying scene, etc. Since we and the overwhelming majority of people would never push ourselves and what we want on others, we feel we should expect the same. That include not having to be part of a drama scene on an evening where we expected fun. It really sounds like you just need to take things one step at a time. There is no rule saying it has to be all or nothing.

Saint Augustine FL
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Let people know you likes and silkes before hand.The more open communication you have with others the better time you will have. At NO time do you ever have to take whatever is dished out.Its your body, do what is comfortable to you. Never ever let anyone talk you into doing things you do not want to do . Most people will say don't do this, I recommend it totally. Go to clubs, watch poeple. Their actions and reactions, the dos and don'ts at different clubs. Find out exactly what your after what your needs wants and desires are. This way you can discuss prior to going anywhere what you willl put up with and what you won't. So many jump in with both feet ,thinking thye are giving consdieration to each other. When in fact issues never come up until they run into them. Then its a little to late to discuss the what ifs.

Sarasota FL
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We have to agree with centralbuckscpl, open communication is the biggest key to this. if you ever feel uncomfortable for ANY reason dont keep it up because you dont want to kill the mood. If someone is doing something that you dont like say you dont like it, it may be that it is what they are used to and dont know any better. You have to be comfortable at all times and if not... get away from that situation. This is to have fun for the both of you and not take one for the team! Our biggest rule is if one is not haveing fun... WE leave!

Ventura CA
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It sounds to us like you need to do a lot more talking about this and the issues you've experienced before doing it again. Perhaps you both need to set a few rules to follow initially and as things progress you can always revise or remove them. Open, honest communication is the key!

Center Valley PA
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TOPIC: Need some advice-having some problems