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MARRIED MAN DOING IT ALONE : Swingers Discussion 51983
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TOPIC: MARRIED MAN DOING IT ALONE
Created by: itsonlymefornow The original post for this thread was deleted.
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so spirit, any rules decided upon amongst partbers can be waived,simply because we are adults? let's go "whole hog". practice unsafe sex, and what the hell, toss in a lil rape, just for flavor, shall we? totally ridiculous postulating!!!!!!

Delton MI
 
 
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spirit_wind,

"'Cheating' is a term for high school cheerleaders...."

No, cheating is a term for lying.

"We're consenting adults here, aren't we?....whatever norms are placed on us by society don't apply."

The word "consenting" is the key. If a person is playing without the knowledge and willing consent of their spouse they are cheating, plain and simple. Swinging isn't the society norm but it's also a matter of preference and choice among consenting adults. Nobody here has any issue with CONSENTING adults doing whatever they want but most do have issues with the un-consenting and that would define the spouse who's getting cheated on. We have no contract with society as to our legal behavior. We do have a contract with our spouses, legal and otherwise. The last thing anyone would want is to get dragged into court as a witness in a divorce case. Also, if someone's willing to lie and cheat on their spouse, what are the chances they'd do the same with a swinging partner? There's a lot of trust that has to go on. The odds are stacked against you if you start off with someone that isn't trustworthy.

Consenting means willing approval with knowledge. I've been bashed by a few people for not "pushing" my better half to speed things up before she's ready. If I did that I'd be as much of a dirtball as if played behind her back. When we reach the point of making the decision of whom to play with ourselves it's going to be an easy one, no cheaters.

Scranton PA
 
 
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I can understand and respect most all of the beliefs stated here, but I believe there is still an area or reality that is missed by many...and that is that there is a great deal more to a relationship and marriage than just sex. Also, we all have varied needs in all areas of a relationship, and almost never is all aspects of the relationship a 50/50 proposition.

So what of the man who has had a long and secure marriage to a woman who has always been less sexual than he, but she has born and raised his children, and worked and helped to build their life together, but who just drops out of the sexual aspects of a relationship. Who just has no drive and no interest no matter the DRs and the meds, who's a little chubby and thinks she's no longer sexy. Does he dump/divorce the love of his life just because she's no longer the hottie sex kitten he always wanted her to be?

Its just sex afterall, the single most important drive of the human species, after basic survival...but in the modern context, when we can choose when to procreate, it certainly seems like sex is more of a recreational activity, just as the "Swingling Lifestyle" confirms...

So now those of you who condem the married man for seeking sex for the enjoyment and sharing of it with others, lets look at each of ourselves and ask a deeply personal and introspective question... do we each enter into a sex play event with both of us absolutely equally committed to it? How many men use their wives as bait to get some strange? How many women who have inadequate men lure other womens men into their bed so they get some greater measure of satisfaction and the other fem gets less.

We all know this is more the norm than the idillic concept that we see promoted as "the lifestyle". All the couples that are seekiing the ellusive single Bi-Fem...its just an excuse for him to get more and to lust after the visual treats of two women going at it for him to perv over.

Now if this all seems like an offensive bunch of crap, think about the reality of what you know. I know there are a huge number of crappy pushy insensitive A-hole guys out there looking to bust a nut anywhere they can, but that's not everyone, no more than the other stereotypes mentioned above are the absolute norm. But lets think it all out here, and if you still stand firm, fine, its your personal choice, but lets not make it poison, for it spills out over a large area and makes us all poorer for it.

Port Saint Lucie FL
 
 
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IMHO , there are three kinds of swingers;

1. Single men or women looking for fun 2. Married/Ccommited men/women swinging with their partner 3. Married men or women swinging alone with their partners full knowledge and approval.

Anyone from line three who does not have full knowledge and approval is a cheater, not a swinger. Cheaters hurt themselves, their partners and anyone else they meet. Any attempt to state otherwise is just begging for other people to excuse you fucking up. Break up, get a divorce, move on.

Ft Wright KY
 
 
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(Big Grin) Padoc is absolutely correct, that this is not brain surgery, or rocket science. And if my comments seem to excuse "the cheaters, fakes and those looking for an easy piece of ass without effort or commitment," then I have not expressed myself clearly. Nor do I seek to have padoc, or any others waste their time, giving the "benefit of the doubt" to any group of people who they clearly have no interest in.

However, to use the argument that "based on large numbers, very limited demand, personal preference, and generally bad behavior," it is excusable to treat any group rudely is also wrong. (IMHO) (Kill them with kindness, lead by example, or simply try this: "We are not interested, thank you.")

It is clear that padoc, and others have no interest in singles of any kind - good for them. Glad you have figured out what works for you. Still others have figured out that they only have an interest in couples and single ladies - again good for them. There are many combinations to choose from, and some of these combinations include single males. Each of these groups have chosen to define "swinger" differently, and I for one am not going to judge whether their definition is right or wrong (for them.)

This discussion has once again moved away from its initial topic of that of the married man playing alone. If you have a problem with single men in general, then it follows that you would also have a problem with married men playing alone. If you have a problem with cheaters (married or otherwise, male or female) then don't play with cheaters. If however, you don't mind singles, and the single is married but not cheating (there are a few), then if things click, have a great time.

"Laz"

Greensboro NC
 
 
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Jeezus Strokes, this isn't brain surgery or rocket science, its freakin sex. It isn't dangerous to anything or anybody, other than the single males ability to get laid, to subject them to a negative judgement based on large numbers, very limited demand, personal preferrence, and generally bad behavior. To argue otherwise is to excuse the cheaters, fakes and those looking for an easy piece of ass without effort or commitment. If we gave every s/m that approaches us the benefit of the doubt, we'd waste a heck of a lot of valuable & limited time weeding out the few exceptions while tolerating the jerks who predominate the rule. Maybe you are a nice fellow. Maybe you respect both parts of a couple. Maybe you're not pushy. Maybe you're good in bed. We surely don't know that and won't discover it for ourselves because we still believe that swinging is and will always be, primarily a couples sport. We again suggest that you find a willing and attractive woman, cultivate a loving and trusting relationship and explore the lifestye together. You'll find a lot more couples open to you in that regard than you ever will as a single male. Of course, that presupposes that you are capable of committing to a mate and willing to share yourself with her before you try to share with us or another couple. Of course, isn't that the REAL point of swinging, a willingness to share with others, as opposed to simply partaking.??

Cape Coral FL
 
 
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Single men in general discussion.

As to "Not_your_Poppa," observation that I apparently viewed single males as "takers" while single females added to the experience, this is NOT at all what I was I believe. In general the whole giver/taker discussion fizzles out pretty quickly.

My point was that, pre-judging ALL single males in any way is a dangerous policy. In the same way I would say that pre-judging ALL (fill in the blank) in any way is dangerous. Pre-judging prevents you from seeing what is REALLY happening.

I can accept that many couples and single females have had negative interactions with many single males. These negative interactions have caused them to be wary. No problem. But to go through the world with the pre-conception that ALL single males are the same, is to close yourself off to the exceptions. The same apples in reverse.

If one has always had positive experiences with single females. Then this can just as easily foster a point of view that says that ALL single females are the same. This point of view could blind a couple to the warning signs of a single female who is just as capable of generating a negative experience.

My point was (and still is) to evaluate INDIVIDUALS. Use your own experience and the experience of others as a GUIDE as to what to watch for. But take the time to look. Evaluate the behavior of this individual in the here and now. Do not judge this individual based upon the jerk(s) that you ran into a month ago.

My point was, that failure to cultivate the exceptions to the rule will only cause them to wither and die, or worse. Instead of dying, these exceptions, if not cultivated may turn to "weed like" behavior in an effort to survive. Thereby reducing the number of exceptions available, and raising the number of weeds in the garden.

"Laz"

Greensboro NC
 
 
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Giving/Taking discussion.

Tawney somewhat jokeinly observed that as a bi-curious male, at least I potentially offer something to bother parties. While the humor of her observation did not escape me, her point is well made. Truth be told, her point had occurred to me, as I was considering some of the points of view regarding single males in general.

It seems to me that for the whole giving/taking argument of singles to hold up, it has to be applied evenly to both sexes. If straight males are "takers" who bring nothing to the encounter, then so too straight females also have to be "takers" who bring noting as well. If bi or bi-curious females offer something for everybody, then so too must bi or bi-curious males.

If the couple is open to single bi/bi-curious females, because the female of the couple is bi/bi-curious, but the male is straight, then more power to them, and good luck in their search. However, if this same couple goes on to declare that all single males are takers, who can not offer anything to a couple, is to bring into a double standard that I can not support.

"Laz"

Greensboro NC
 
 
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Wow, did this topic take off today! It seems to me, that there are a number of topics getting stirred up together here, and it is muddying the waters a bit.

"Cheating" vs. "Swinging" - According to the dictionary, cheating come from the root word "cheat" - cheat | ch ?t| verb 1 [ intrans. ] act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, esp. in a game or examination : she always cheats at cards. • [ trans. ] deceive or trick : he had cheated her out of everything she had. • use inferior materials or methods unobtrusively in order to save time or money : they cheat by photographing mashed potatoes instead of ice cream. • informal be sexually unfaithful : his wife was cheating on him. 2 [ trans. ] avoid (something undesirable) by luck or skill : she cheated death in a spectacular crash. • archaic help (time) pass : the tuneless rhyme with which the warder cheats the time. noun a person who behaves dishonestly in order to gain an advantage : a liar and a cheat. • an act of cheating; a fraud or deception.

Central to this definition is the idea of lying, deception, or dishonesty. Therefore, if there is lying, deception, or dishonesty - then there is cheating taking place. Single, married, attached, committed - does not matter. However, if there is not lying, deception, or dishonesty - then it is not cheating - by definition.

So as an unaccompanied married person (male or female), if I find sexual play partners, and my partner supports this activity, and if I represent my self as married to those I play with - then I can not be cheating.

As to if we are "swingers" or not - I am not prepared to take on that term. I expect many would take exception to the dictionary definition, and that were "we" to write one of our own, "we" would have a very hard time arriving at a common definition. In this case, one size may not fit all.

"Laz"

Greensboro NC
 
 
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Here is a thought for you Poppa & maybe part of what Tawney was saying. The vast majority of the couples on these types of sites have males who state they are straight, without equivocation. A fair number of the female halves of the couples are bi or at least bi-curious. A single male involved with a couple consisting of a straight male & his mate is not playing with the couple and is, in effect, basically taking sex with the female. He gives nothing directly to the male of that couple and is thus NOT a welcome addition to most swinging couples. Thats not to say that a mmf 3-some doesn't have its attraction for some but the market is overflowing with single (or married playing single) guys who want to get laid. The bi, bi-curious, or bi-playful single female, on the other hand, can and does bring something for both halves of a couple and they are a fairly rare breed indeed. We HAVE done 3-somes both ways and our experience is that the fmf is by far more satisfying for us both

Cape Coral FL
 
 
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TOPIC: MARRIED MAN DOING IT ALONE