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Loss of an erection : Swingers Discussion 43818
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TOPIC: Loss of an erection
Created by: newcplinmt The original post for this thread was deleted.
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I had the identical experience the first TWO times we attempted to swing. Couldn't get a twitch out of Mr. Penis. Of course, the fact that we were brand new and the lady I was with was not a very "active" sex partner didn't help much.

Anyway, on our 3rd attempt things worked fine. Good thing for us, since we had agreed to give it 3 tries before we ever started swinging, and then give up if it just wasn't working for us. Close call!

Anyway, we found that it took us about a year before we could stand to see each other having sex with someone else. It just made our stomachs knot up. So we used separate rooms almost exclusively for the first year, and we still prefer separate rooms, although somewhere along the line it became a turn-on to see Mrs. Valovers "in action."

Time and experience often lead to increased comfort with the whole swinging concept, and everything just falls into place. You shouldn't be surprised if you have some emotional reactions at first that catch you unprepared. After all, you spent a lifetime being indoctrinated that sex with others is taboo, and many people have religious beliefs to overcome as well as the brainwashing they received all their lives from parents, teachers, clergy, etc.

If something doesn't feel right for you, try doing things differently. Separate rooms is one such difference that worked for us. At first I was concerned for Mrs. Valovers' safety, being alone in a room with another man, because I didn't know how rough he might be with her. But I quickly learned that 99% of the male swingers we met were, if anything, EXTREME gentlemen with her. Besides, if anything got out of hand, all she would have to do is scream and I'd come running.

All that was "much ado about nothing." The only time we ever had a situation where the other guy was too rough was when we were in the SAME room.

Don't worry; be happy! :-)

South Riding VA
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Philly, if you keep talking all psychological-like, I may have to take a road trip ; )

Just a few words on topic. It happens. I was sure in the very beginning it signaled disaster for our lifestyle adventure when it happened to us. But without the help of little blue anythings, and despite the cycle of worry-issue-worry about issue-more issue that we feared, things have turned out beautifully for us.

So I'll leave it to others to provide the "whys" and the "what to dos", I just wanted to chime in a "don't panic!"

L., who is going to see Hitchhiker's Guide tomorrow and needed a good excuse to throw in a good "don't panic!"

Ithaca NY
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It took me 3 tries with the first couple we ever played with before I was able to get and keep an erection. Since we were brand new, I thought it was my nervousness & anxiety. It probably was partly that, but it turns out it was mostly due to my taking heavy doses of antihistamines before we went to their house because I had a bad cold and didn't want my nose to be dripping. DON'T DO THAT! Antihistamines shrink blood flow to extremities like the nose - and the penis!

It also turns out that there was another reason. The lady of the other couple just didn't turn me on. She was pretty enough, and a nice person, but (to me at least) she just wasn't sexy.

If you're having a difficult time still, try finding some new couples where the lady really turns you on. Sometimes it's a personality thing that has to mesh, not just a physical one.

South Riding VA
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Unless a man has problems getting and/or maintaining erections at home with his own wife, any "limp dick" problems that occur in swinging are due entirely to nerves, anxiety, etc. - whatever you want to call it. The solution is to seek ways to increase your comfort level, and that means trying things differently. For example, if you've been using the same room, try separate rooms. If you've been using separate rooms, try same room and playing as a foursome, not just with each other's wives only.

Maybe more time flirting and getting mentally ready before getting naked would help. Try some sensous dancing, some back rubs or massages, some sensuous caressing - all before the clothes come off.

Anything that makes you relax more and yet stimulates you physically can help.

We always love to slow dance to soft music in dim light first, our bodies held tight to those of our playmates. Then toss in some really good kissing and a little bit of body fondling - all while still dancing - and you can quickly find yourself really "in the mood."

I think it happens rather frequently that swinging couples jump right into nakedness and trying to "perform" without spending enough time setting the mood and getting their juices flowing before the clothes come off.

As the male half of our very first couple told me once, "Think SENSUALITy, not SEX!"

The blue pill or its analogs may help, even if the problem is not really a physical one. It provides a bit of psychological security, much like Linus's blanket in the Peanuts cartoon strip. If all it really does for you is make you stop worrying about whether or not you can perform, that lack of worry alone can make things function normally.

Limp dick is a sign that someone wasn't really ready yet psychologically to get naked and have sex.

In the words of the Harry Chapin song Greyhound, "It's got to be the GOING, not the GETTING THERE, that's good!"

South Riding VA
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This has happened to me before (and I know all about the embarrassment). I attribute it to distraction, one of the reasons why we don't go to clubs/parties. Like someone else has suggested, don't obsess over it. If you're having a hard time getting an erection, just relax and take care of your partner a different way. Sometimes all it takes is some time for you to get your groove on.

If that doesn't work there are ways to remedy the situation.

Lexington KY
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I'm pretty sure that all couples that have been together for years..have that special comfortable, safe relationship and have those favorite little sex things we do with each other that we like so well and always seem to respond to. And It's been my experience, when on a couple occasions that I began to "soften" up, that my lady would simply do that special little thing to me thats ALWAYS keeps me not only hard, but a bit thicker than usual. It's doesn't matter what it is....I'm sure you and your lady have something too..that little touch with hand..mouth..whatever..that you'll always respond too. Next time you feel it occuring...go back to your lady for a few minutes..then rejoin your swap partner. Hope this helps..and I wouldn't dwell on it too much...it happens to everyone at some point

Higganum CT
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Most men have erectile "ups and downs" when swinging. Some days it's not a problem at all. Some days it comes & goes. And even occasionally erections are just not going to happen no matter what. The weird thing is, you can't even predict what will happen!

I know men who have had no problems through years of swinging, and then one night at a party just can't perform at all, despite taking extended breaks and trying with 3 different women.

You just have to accept that not every day is bright & sunny.

The worst thing you can do is obsess about it and go into your next swinging encounter worried about it. That will virtually guarantee you will have erection problems.

It's not an easy thing to get over. The first 2 times we were with one couple, I simply couldn't get an erection. It had never happened to me before in my entire life, and I was totally surprised, mystified, mortified, and embarrassed. I chalked it up to newbie nerves, too, but it was still terribly embarrassing.

We are still friends with that couple, and it's been 8 years now, but I STILL have the fear of performance failure every time we get together with that couple. Luckily, the problem seems to have gone away, but the pyschological impact is clearly still present.

Aside from the "jitters," there is also always the possibility that you really aren't fully committed to swinging, at least with that woman. Not everyone rocks your boat.

If erectile problems are not present at home with your own wife, then it's an anxiety issue almost certainly. In time you will get so much more comfortable with swinging that it won't happen anymore, at least only rarely.

Good luck, and remember that almost all men have this happen to them occasionally.

South Riding VA
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TOPIC: Loss of an erection