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How to keep from being discouraged : Swingers Discussion 219554
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TOPIC: How to keep from being discouraged
Created by: aquariumgravel14
Original Starting post for this thread:
In reading through some of the posts on here, I (the male half) have found that as a group, this place is one for good advice. You all may never hear a thank you from the people you help, but I am certain they are grateful.

Now onto us...I function as the de facto gatekeeper for us, and I am finding this incredibly trying. In almost a year of being in the lifestyle, we have only had a single positive experience. The few that we do connect with always seem to have schedule issues, and so we went against our better judgement and lowered the standards of what we were looking for. That was a huge mistake. One couple said all the right things but was really only looking for a unicorn, one couple stood us up completely (and with kids, jobs, and a regular life alot goes into getting ready to meet), we have had countless encounters with outright disrespectful people, are a bit intimidated by the cliques and groups at hotel parties (yet we still go about once every 3-6 weeks) and I am almost ready to give up. Everyone that I have lamented our issues to has said 'dont give up, it does get better.' When? How long must it be before we leave a house party feeling awkward, leave a hotel party disappointed, or just get past the stage of someone or a couple talking to us, then suddenly dropping off the map (clearly not/or lost interest) and making us feel foolish? Any advice would be well received, I know we are not the only couple in this situation......I'm just the only one writing this question today.

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45Shades......vanilla has never been my favorite flavor either!!!! While I enjoy the openness of the people on this website, I find it most useful in deciding on events to attend. Then, in following up with our new friends on here. While our birdie flies pretty regularly because we're open to all, we rarely go out on meet & greets with a single person or couple any more. We find local house parties & clubs more entertaining. Just what works for us!

New Orleans LA
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When I first signed up I expected lots of meetings. Now that I've been on here a while now, I'm waiting for the unexpected. I have met a few friends here online, but hoping to meet those fun friends live and in person. I'm here for the fun, the openess of like minded people. I never was a fan of Vanilla, I like a variety of flavors, colors and sizes.

Quincy MA
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Aquarium: We've been in the LS for many years and had the same issues for the first several years. We call our solution "expectation management", and it has worked well for us. If we go out to a LS event or plan to meet someone, we're going out to have a nice time together. If we connect with someone, that's great. If we don't connect, we're still going to have a pleasant evening out...a 'date' evening. We don't go out with the expectation of connecting and/or playing, just the expectation of having a nice evening together. Anything extra that happens is icing. :-)


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To the group that has written on here. Yes, we have read and re-read every one of your posts. Thank you so very much! You were correct in your advice, eventually we just stumble into one couple, like them, and find their friends are great for us as well.....

King NC
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livewire, I can agree with your post regarding instrospection. I know with myself, I am incredibly shy initially. I try not to be, but it is a true fact. When I first meet someone I am very quiet. And when I am not quiet I am very blunt. I love who I am mind you, and I have no desire or intention of changing...but I do know that this makes people think I am not interested. I usually AM not interested mind you lol...but that fact makes it even worse. For us, we have just realized that swinging is not something we will ever do on a routine basis. We no longer go to swing clubs or actively seek out swingers. If a couple wants to meet, or we do happen to meet one when we are out partying, we would thoroughly enjoy it. You just have to have fun together, and what is meant to be will happen.


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*Update* - We had a wonderful meet with a great couple. They offered to chat with us and share their lifestyle experiences, offered their advice and answered a lot of our questions.

We learned some great stuff, especially with how swinging works *HERE*. The lifestyle is VERY different here than most other places. (Which we always thought, but never knew for sure.)

Mostly we learned ... that we are sh*t outta luck here. Swinging is a numbers game and when there are only a few dozen active swingers on the island (tourists and residents), the pool is really small. And then when you throw "attractiveness" into the equation, the pool gets even smaller.

So....our take away from the meeting was.... because we can't really travel to other states and go to clubs and resorts... if we play, we play. If not, oh well.

Lahaina HI
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In our experience you have to look far and wide. We've met one couple from our area, and that was sort of a fluke because it was a week or two after they first moved here. Our experiences come when we visit other towns (bigger towns) when we're on vacations or weekend getaways. Otherwise the people that are close to us have probably seen our profile and aren't interested in our limits or they don't ring our bell. We could have had all sorts of action in the past but there have got to be some limits to how low you'll set your standards just to get naked around someone.

Our successes... it helped that we were on weekend getaways or vacations... I can't deny the coincidence that not having the kids and jobs to worry about for a few days made it easier to plan play dates and actually see them materialize. Most people work and have families that keep them busy. Two couples might seem like a great match but it might never work out because of ball games, work schedules, vacations, illnesses, church functions... even if they want to meet each other.

Be fully aware there are tons of people that just like to play at this lifestyle and never really back up their talk.

Whatever the reasons for lack of success, it's annoying at first and you think you have to do something different to lure people to you but don't freak out. Stick to what you're comfortable with and just wait. It takes a couple of years to grow numb to the fact that you just have to wait until the right people come along; trying to make it happen won't work. You'll eventually meet up with someone and it will just happen, even without trying. In almost 5 years of being at this we've had 7 or 8 play dates and have been to a couple of clubs and meet and greets. Far to infrequent for the duration but better than nothing at all. It took a year or so to find the first compatible couple.

It just takes time.

Bartlett TN
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"...and lowered the standards of what we were looking for. .."

Crossed our mind but no..we are picky.. that's why we never met anyone..but as they say "good things come to those that are patient".

New York NY
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Agree with your post 2try. We're new to this and appreciate views like yours.

Beaufort SC
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Do not forget why you are doing this. For us, it for fun, if it stops being fun, even for bit, then it it stops being for a bit. We talk to folks, we have friends in the LS we go out with and we attend some of the parties. We do not stress over it in the least. When meeting or attempting to meet someone we make sure everyone is on the same page before the date. During the date we talk frank and openly about everything and put all the cards out on the table. Later is not the time for confusion, we would hate for good televisions to be used for bad ends. But I digress, bottom line , if it is causing you to stress, pick a different diversion for a bit.

Blythe GA
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TOPIC: How to keep from being discouraged