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HOW DID YOU GET PAST WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN TAUGHT BY SOCIETY : Swingers Discussion 36464
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FORUMSGeneral DiscussionsGetting StartedHOW DID YOU GET PAST WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN TAUGHT BY SOCIETY
TOPIC: HOW DID YOU GET PAST WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN TAUGHT BY SOCIETY
Created by: Jewels17
Original Starting post for this thread:
We've been together for 13 years and it has been a monogamous relationship. How do you get past what you have been taught all your life- one partner at a time? How do you keep your emotions out of your new sexual encounters? Are you truly able to enjoy the sexual moment or do emotions ever get in the way?

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Jewels17/ This was the toughest hill to overcome with Suzy.She has always been taught one man one woman,she was an avid chruch goer, my parents even tried to talk her out of marrying me as I woudl corrupt her. To date we have been married 23 years and going strong. We are normally of one mind, we know what each other thinks and feels. The first year of actual playing she did have a fear of having sex just as sex. She always thought and has been taught that there must be an emotional tie to sex. When she was in college , she partied but again one man for one female. Now she has over come al of her fears of society.She has been able to seperate emotion from sex and has been for 5 years.Some people she does not get real excited with others she does. It depends on how creative the male or female wants to be.I will never force her to be as free as I am. For myself, it has been real easy . I grew up with the late 60's and early 70's mentality.Even entertained the drug culture of free love.The parties I always attended while in high school ,college,after college always ended up having a sexual tone to them. Suzy says to this day if we met while we were both in college we would have never been together. I have always been a free spirit,encouraging to take things to the limit and enjoy each day as if it as our last. I willl kiss, flirt,touch,have sex anywhere, and at almost any place along with at anytime. Suzy will do this with me though she is hard pressed to be able to do this in public with others.Hell I have been known to get 4 way kissing,flashing,sex,receive bjs or make trips to the bathroom with the opposite sex!

Sarasota FL
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I just have to add one more thought that came to mind about how to get past what you've been taught by society.

Think of a naive young man raised in a fundamentalist, conservative Christian home by domineering parents. Then think of that innocent young man going off to college in the mid-1960s, during a time of assassinations (John & Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr.), a Civil Rights movement, marches, demonstrations, the Viet Nam War, anti-war demonstrations, riots in the inner cities, etc. You get the picture. It was all too overwhelming for a naive, government-trusting young guy like me. (I got over it all years later, by the way, and vowed never to let my government hoodwink me again. Which is why I have spoken out so vehemently in opposition to the Iraq War even BEFORE we went in, and thousands died, and the rest of the world came to hate the U.S., and our economy went from a 1.5 trillion dollar surplus to a half trillion dollar deficit. But that's another issue.)

How to get past what you were taught by society? Well, this troubled & confused 19-year-old man went to the campus counseling center and ran into a counselor who will never know how he opened my eyes to the world. Here's what he told me.

"Think of your mind as this huge warehouse, bigger than three football stadiums. Now picture the walls of that enormous warehouse. Every square inch of that wallspace is covered with pictures hanging on the walls. Our job is to figure out which pictures YOU hung on those walls, and which ones SOMEBODY ELSE HUNG THERE FOR YOU!"

I will never forget that. It opened my eyes instantly to the fact that nearly everything I believed and valued was what I had been TOLD to believe and value. For the very first time in my life I started to rethink everything I believed and valued. I decided I would believe, value, do, and be what I wanted, and not what my parents, family, relatives, teachers, and clergy wanted me to believe.

In so many ways religion and culture are about controlling people so they will be docile sheep doing exactly what the "shepherd" wants them to do.

I share this experience I had as a 19-year-old getting his eyes opened for the first time in the hope that it will help you.

Jim

South Riding VA
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That's certainly doable !!!!

Center Valley PA
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I think Debby & I should discuss this sometime during pillow talk! :-)

South Riding VA
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Jim, we couldn't have said it better !!!!!

Center Valley PA
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First of all, swinging is NOT for everyone, and probably MOST people should never try it. But if you've thought about it, fantasized about it, and discussed it with your spouse, and both of you think it would be fun to try, then try it. Just choose your first couple well. Your first experience should be with a partner you would be attracted to if you were single and dating, not just someone you will "go along with" for the sake of your spouse.

Swinging was much more difficult for me than for Paula. She was raised in a Catholic home, went to Catholic schools, even an all-woman Catholic college for her 1st 2 years. But she somehow figured out at age 14 that she was being fed a line of B.S. by the church, and she was having sex without guilt by the age of 16.

I on the other hand had premarital sex only with my first wife, and never had sex with another woman until our marriage was falling apart and we tried open marriage to see if it would help. It didn't.

I was raised in an extremely conservative, fundamentalist Christian home. But when I went to graduate school and became a scientist, I found that much of what I had been taught in church was simply not true. There was WAY too much overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary. Even so, it took me another 15-20 years to completely throw off the teachings of the church so that I didn't feel guilty.

My wife and I are not cheating on each other. We both enjoy swinging, and we do so together and with each other's blessing. We only play with people who are also doing so openly and with their spouses' blessings. So we are not doing harm to anyone, and we feel enriched by the intimate connections (yes, emotional as well as physical) that we have made with our swinging playmates. And we like to think we have enriched their lives, too.

So, it's not doing harm to anyone, and it brings pleasure and loving feelings to us all. NOBODY can tell us that something that harms nobody and enriches all participants is a sin.

So that's how we got over the brainwashing we were given as small children by the "big people" in our lives - parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents, teachers, and clergy.

Jim

South Riding VA
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First of all...for "Unbridled Passion" a man should never make you feel negative about your relationship or about your confidence in yourself as a woman. But...we got off of the topic, so back to the question at hand. How did you get past what you where originally taught by society? I know for us as a happily married couple...we have been having sex "making love" only with each other for the last 13 years. Our sex life is filled with love, feeling and emotion. How do you add another male, female or couple into the mix without having to use the same feelings and emotion? Is it purely a physical satisfaction? We have been talking about our fantasies for awhile. We have discussed taking the next step to add spice to what we consider a great sex life. Does this addition, free of jealousy, add to what is already a great sex life? or should the fantasy remain a fantasy?

Kennesaw GA
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OK, that may have been a little over the top, but its really how several anthropologist say we became a mostly monogamous world. If you can get past the "my spouse as my possession" mentality to "my spouse as my best friend", the jealousy decreases. It doesn't go away, but it becomes more of a "I wish I could physically do that" kind of thing than a "I wish he/she didn't get so turned on when she/he does that" kind of thing.


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Finally, we have to have some way to make our children want to teach their children to do the same thing. If even one generation questions this, we will fail. Our wives will feel foolish, our sons will feel cheated, and our daughters will feel used. So we must say this is the way the gods want us to live. If the gods said it, it must be true. Of course, in the jungles women have many husbands, and that works for them because if one man is good at fishing and one good at hunting, she gets more food.

But here, every family must help every other. It takes our whole community to bring water to the village, but it has to be divided in a fair way. The fairest way would be for the man with the largest family to choose first, then the man with the most important position among the rulers. Then the man with the most important job among the workers. Of course, the grain farmers must get water first to water their crops, then the animal farmers to keep their beasts of burden alive. And the soldiers who keep us safe. And the prostitutes who keep the soldiers entertained since soldiers can't marry but have the same desires as the rest of us men.

We have to also make sure that the men don't simply take more wives unless they can afford to care for them. So if a man has two businesses, he can have two wives. If he has three businesses, he can have three wives. On second thought, if we convince our women to remain chaste until marriage, but allow a man to have more than one wife, the women will eventually say their responsibility is simply to not get pregnant, and they will begin going to prostitutes to learn how to accomplish that. So a man can only have one wife, and a wife can only have one husband. That will also make it easier to learn how much a man can keep when it comes to tax time. Too many wives would mean too much time calculating how much each man will need to provide for them.


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Well, based on what I've learned from friends from other countries (especially Brazil and China), monogamy is a conscious choice, not a natural instinct. We have to be taught to have sex with only one person for the rest of our lives because its good for the community as a whole.

Since almost everyone subscribes to that belief, it has become true. However, it isn't in our NATURE to be with only one person, or even one person at a time.

Follow me for a bit. I live in a desert and have three daughters. I'm getting old and my daughters are at the child bearing age. If they continue to live with me, they will have to eventually take over the herding of sheep and camels, and gathering water. They will also be responsible for killing the sheep, as well as salting it, butchering it, and cooking it. A whole lot for three women, but they can do it.

However, they all look like my wife did at their age, and every man within a hundred miles was after my wife when they saw her. I even had to kill one man because he had horses instead of camels, and horses are much easier to manage.

My wife was willing to sleep with him for a month if he gave me three horses, but what if she got pregnant with another girl? That man wouldn't take the girl because it takes three girls to safely do the lifting and carrying of one boy if he is raised right. Plus, since she is my wife, I would have to take care of her while she is pregnant, especially the last three months. In order for the baby, boy or girl, to be healthy, my wife will have to eat as much as I do, which means more work. And if the baby is a boy, I'll get three horses, but not much else out of the deal. Again, I'll have to do more work because I'd have to get hay and oats for them, which means giving some of my lambs and calves to others.

The thing for me to do is find men for my daughters to marry who can take care of them and either come live on my farm and run it, or start a farm of their own and let my wife and I live with them, doing what we can when we get too old to do for ourselves.

But to keep them from entering into deals like my wife almost did, which could have had devasting effects, I have to make them believe its in their best interest to only sleep with her husband and not any other men. So, I have to public announce that she is going to be faithful to this one man and that it will be wrong for her to look at another, no matter how beneficial it would be for her to leave her current husband for the new one. Also, I have to make their husbands feel that my daughters are better than the other girls. So, after making sure they are still virgins, I will tell the men that my daughters are so particular that they haven't been with anyone else, and as long as they are provided for and treated right, they will never be with anyone else. Finally, I have to convince the elders to make it illegal an punishable by stoning for a man to lay with another man's wife.

Also, a woman who lays with many men must be supported by those men in some way. Of course, it would not be good for her to marry, but the men must take care of her by providing her with food and clothing. In a real sense, she would be providing a service not only to men, but to wives who cannot have children, so she must be also given a place to stay, so she won't have to impose too much on her family. Of course, it would not be good for every young woman to want to lead this kind of life. They would if given the chance, so we must make it less appealing. These women can't have the same protection virgins or wives have, meaning a woman must be desperate to choose this life.

<more to come>


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TOPIC: HOW DID YOU GET PAST WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN TAUGHT BY SOCIETY