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Dealing with a seemingly cold female partner (the other guy's partner) : Swingers Discussion 217194101
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TOPIC: Dealing with a seemingly cold female partner (the other guy's partner)
Created by: candjcpl2
Original Starting post for this thread:
Need a few suggestions here! We have been in the lifestyle for 5 years and we usually end up playing on the first meeting perhaps 75% of the time. With most women it is not difficult to start the intimate part (because they want to start also - duh). We have had meetings with a few couples where everything had gone great over a glass of wine and we agree to go back to our place to continue the party. At our place, the guy is chomping at the bit to play, courtesy rules and he is waiting for his partner to show interest. At this point his partner (sitting next to me) is sitting there like a bump on a log with no outward emotion. I am a friendly, conversational person who has put many people at ease, but I don't want to start touching her unless there is a positive sign. So nothing happens. (Strange thing is they contact us later and say they want to meet again.) Any ideas on how to start (or test for) intimacy without being a jerk?

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thn1045... thanks for the detailed and excellent advice! We, too, have found ourselves in situations where the other "she" is on the fence. As a woman, picking up/being picked up by men is natural but I've never really put too much thought into how to pick up another woman... it sort-of happened or it didn't.

Thanks for the useful tips for our next mixer!

Arvada CO
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Excellent post, Lost. Years ago I developed an M.O. for gaging the lady's interest. I would get them aside and ask them plainly, "How do you feel about swinging?" "Feel" not "think" is important. They are two different things. You'd be surprised at some of the responses, e.g. "He's always setting these things up; one of these days I'm gonna show him the door!" or "I only do it to please him," or "I could take it or leave it alone." If there was no more interest than this, it was a show-stopper. Now if I got a signal that there was genuine interest or curiosity, then I'd proceed from there. Best response? "Actually, I like the personal contact as much as I enjoy 'it.'" Had mega fun for many years there…

Charlotte NC
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Are you sure that this wife really wants to be in the LS in the first place? I mean, there are couples where the one is enthusiastic and excited... and the other only attends for other reasons. We met a couple that were like the couple you have described in your original post. He was all into it, and she was completely cold and dis-interested. She was not flirtatious, she was standoffish, when Jay would touch her ass or pay her a compliment she would smile politely...but that was it. They are since divorced and she told us after that she was only in it because she felt as if had she not participated he would have cheated... and at least she was there to see everything. I am not saying this is the case, I am just asking if there is a possibility that this is the case. Not everyone is in swinging for the right reasons unfortunately.

San Marcos TX
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Tom excellent post. I'd add to it watch other cues like is she playing with her hair? Is her body posture changed to align with you? If you are seeing these and what Tom mentioned start slow but definitely let her know you are interested and show her if she is responding. Some ladies take longer than others to get aroused and many love the flirting stage and without it don't get worked up. I admit I love it when the woman shows her interest clearly and obviously but reality is if you warm up a slow to burn girl she can still get white hot!

We also agree its important to try and keep both combinations at near the same pace. It happens one of us and our playmate are ready to rip the clothes off and fuck and the other is still chatting. If separate play is OK that works..if not we slow it down and let the other half get warmed up. We do try and communicate that a little picking up pace would be appreciated but we get that takes time and give the time to let it happen

Morganton NC
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Great ideas thn!

I (the Mrs) usually try all those things when we meet up with a couple and I never get any response from the men. I usually just get the dumb deer in the headlight stare at me for a brief second, then they go back to talking about what kind of work they do or truck they drive.

Ho hum....sooo exciting.

Lahaina HI
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Sounds like the male of the other couple is wanting this and doing the emailing. I know when I am interested there is no wondering. Also though if I have no interest you will know. My ex used to write people and tell them "we" wanted to meet and it was just him that wanted to meet.

Spring TX
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We have learned so many lessons on this point just in the last year- me messing it up plenty- so here goes :) Rarely are all four going to be so open in expressing the connection and the situation you described is probably pretty common. It isn’t necessarily that there is a lack of interest- just that it hasn’t yet been confirmed one way or the other.

Whether we are at a party with lots of people (club or hotel event) or meeting a couple one on one, we have finally learned there are many levels of showing interest and it is best to get both pairs moving at the same pace; not letting one set jump far ahead of the other.

We like hanging out at high-top tables, bars, or dancing. In those scenarios it’s easier to physically stand next to them versus sitting across a table out of physical contact range and just talking. If we give each other “the look” that we’re interested intellectually and personality-wise, we’ll slowly escalate the closeness to gauge their interest.

For example:

1) When talking with each of them look into their eyes and smile. Are you getting that back from both of them? 2) When standing side by side with them, lean in a little and do a very soft shoulder bump and smile. She’ll smile back and maybe bump back or she’ll pull away. Notice which she does. 3) When standing side by side, keep your arms down and reach out just a little with your index finger, intertwining it gently with her finger for just a couple seconds- no longer. She’ll either play with your hand too or pull back. Notice which she does. 4) When you are chatting and making a point, smile at her and briefly and softly touch her hand, elbow, or wrist area. Then pull back. Did she smile or pull back? If she’s into you she’ll smile and/or eventually touch back. Notice her responses.

Flirting can be really fun and it’s our way to determine interest before leaving to go someplace with another couple. I read it someplace- the “push-pull technique.” It’s also like fishing, dangle the bait a little and pay attention to the response you are getting.

If there is no response it doesn’t necessarily mean “no.” It might mean, let’s talk a little more, flirt a little more, and help me feel a little more comfortable that if we do go someplace you’re going to be nice to me. And it’s an understandable desire for everyone to have till they get to know the real you.

If you are at a club or hotel party with lots of people and you aren’t getting much of a response, tell them you want to look around and check out the event for a little. Then get up and do it. This reassures them you aren’t pressuring them and if they are interested they will find you.. or they might just get up and follow you then. Just don’t sit in the corner waiting for them to find you- go have fun. Heck they might want a few minutes to talk together and to reassure each other.

Just because you don’t connect that night doesn’t mean you won’t down the line. We’ve chatted with a couple or two for hours on end and not connected. Then three months later they realized how much fun we really are and.. shazam!

If you make it to their place, your place, or the hotel room- don't wait for her to make the move and for god's sake don't dick with the tv remote control looking for something to put on in the background. If your spouse and the other are getting into things, you have a limited window to act before she might start feeling neglected or that you aren't into it. If you were getting the positive feedback earlier, go for it. Be nice, but go for it like it's on purpose ;-)

Best of luck!

-Tom

Bensalem PA
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Need a few suggestions here! We have been in the lifestyle for 5 years and we usually end up playing on the first meeting perhaps 75% of the time. With most women it is not difficult to start the intimate part (because they want to start also - duh). We have had meetings with a few couples where everything had gone great over a glass of wine and we agree to go back to our place to continue the party. At our place, the guy is chomping at the bit to play, courtesy rules and he is waiting for his partner to show interest. At this point his partner (sitting next to me) is sitting there like a bump on a log with no outward emotion. I am a friendly, conversational person who has put many people at ease, but I don't want to start touching her unless there is a positive sign. So nothing happens. (Strange thing is they contact us later and say they want to meet again.) Any ideas on how to start (or test for) intimacy without being a jerk?

Lombard IL
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TOPIC: Dealing with a seemingly cold female partner (the other guy's partner)