Communication: Swingers Discussion 217578

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TOPIC: Communication

Created by: JandE904 Original Starting post for this thread:
Mr. JandE904 and I are newbies. We have talked through the lifestyle extensively but I still have a hard time with dirty talk. He has ended two club set ups b/c I can't seem to communicate EXACTLY what I want at the moment we meet a couple, or I change the rules after meeting the couple and feeling better about them. He's very protective of me and fears playtime won't end well for me if I can't communicate every detail and stick to the pre-arranged rules. For example, on our first club night, I set up a playdate with a very pretty girl and agreed to full swap after the Mr. and I agreed we wouldn't full swap on our first playdate. This weekend something very erotic happened and I was embarrassed to tell him the guy touched my JJ, even though he witnessed it. I know he was right to end it early and I'm grateful for him looking out for me. My concern is that he gets very angry with me for changing our agreed upon rules and for not communicating, which shuts down all forms of communication for later. How can we work through this? Any advice from the experts would be very much appreciated.

Created by: JandE904
Original Starting post for this thread:

Mr. JandE904 and I are newbies.  We have talked through the lifestyle extensively but I still have a hard time with dirty talk.  He has ended two club set ups b/c I can't seem to communicate EXACTLY what I want at the moment we meet a couple, or I change the rules after meeting the couple and feeling better about them.  He's very protective of me and fears playtime won't end well for me if I can't communicate every detail and stick to the pre-arranged rules.  For example, on our first club night, I set up a playdate with a very pretty girl and agreed to full swap after the Mr. and I agreed we wouldn't full swap on our first playdate.  This weekend something very erotic happened and I was embarrassed to tell him the guy touched my JJ, even though he witnessed it.  I know he was right to end it early and I'm grateful for him looking out for me.  My concern is that he gets very angry with me for changing our agreed upon rules and for not communicating, which shuts down all forms of communication for later.  How can we work through this?  Any advice from the experts would be very much appreciated.

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User Details are only visible to members.	You need to be VERY clear about your rules. You need to decide BEFORE going to the club (not at the front door of the club) what your "hard rules" are and what your "soft rules" are. And then stick with them. Or at least have a little huddle and talk about it. It sounds like you guys aren't on the same page with swinging which makes for a real recipe for disaster. I'd suggest taking a break and having a real heart-to-heart with each other about the lifestyle.
Wailuku HI			Username hidden (440 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Red Flags: my husband gets very angry with me... over protective. Seems as if your husband is controlling, to the point of getting angry if anything changes. I had one like that, I know it stems from a sense of insecurity. So much so that he has to have it spelled out, in the name of "protecting" you from getting hurt. Makes him sound like a good guy. And he may well be. But. You may perhaps need to rethink swinging until you both can be comfortable with all that may or may not happen. What scenarios are turn ons? What is a No No. What makes you uncomfortable? Sometimes you really will not know what you don't like until it actually happens to you. Yes, that can create a problem. BUT if you talk about it honestly and openly if and when something uncomfortable happens, it should be ok, if your relationship is a strong one. If you have kids, you know when they start eating food that they will not like every food. So you try things, just a little bit at a time. Maybe mix a bit of squash into the carrots, for example, and then maybe a bite or two of squash on its own. Maybe a bad example, but sometimes you just don't know what you're going to like until you try it a little bit, or a little bit of it. If just the THOUGHT of trying a certain sexual activity makes you cringe, then step back a bit and maybe just watch for a while, then go home and have sex with each other. See what it is about what you viewed makes you hot for EACH OTHER first. Welcome to the forums. Use whatever advice works best for you both and disregard anything that sounds "off" to you. We all have different levels of experience, and all we can really do is share our own experiences with everyone. Gina
San Antonio TX			Username hidden (6002 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	It's normal, especially when you are just getting started, to experience a range of feelings and emotions that help you get to that comfortable place with this hobby ;-) On a scale of 1-10 for hot/kinky/sexyness we only go to what we'd call a level 8 with others. On that 1-8 scale then we don't know how far we're willing to go until we meet them and get to know them. And it's natural for that to take some time. We'll arrange to meet another couple at an event but we don't tell them we're willing to play with them until we meet there and that goes well. We have gotten better about chatting with each other after meeting potential play mates and before playing. That might be between weekends or 5 minuets where we step away and just chat alone that night. So we are trying to understand what rules you could have that could change after meeting someone. Our rules don't change- either we're willing to go-there with safe sex or we aren't. Once we both start playing, unless someone says the code word (which is a word for stop now this isn't working) we are focusing on the person we are with and not so much looking at each other. I wonder if your hubby is okay with you being with another guy. Is he? Protective is one thing, however, having sex generally does involve the JJ getting touched :) Was he getting to have some fun with another woman? Was he participating too?
Bensalem PA			Username hidden (778 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Welcome to the forum JandE904. I am guessing when you say "dirty talk" you mean you have trouble communicating what you want sexually, not that you don't like sexy, playful talk? If that is the case and based on your examples, my first question would be how much do you drink when you go to the club? If you are drinking to get your courage up and finding it impairs your ability to stay within your agreed upon boundaries, try going straight for a change. If that isn't the issue, then you may want to ask yourself why you want to change the rules in the heat of the moment. If you feel full swap is ok under the right circumstances, approach your husband with the idea of that being a "soft limit", meaning you aren't intending to full swap but if all four are in synch, you can go for it. The other concern I have is your reference to him getting angry when you change the rules and him cutting things off because a guy touched your JJ. Does he have jealousy issues that he is hiding by being "protective"? Only you two can know what will ultimately work for you but talking about each and every encounter and adjusting the rules before your next one will help, as long as you both want the same thing. Do you?
Youngstown OH			Username hidden (11415 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Fwiw, I'm a bit like you. I play it by ear and go with the flow. Things feel right or they don't. What if I lay out just what I want - and then I don't click? It's hard to back up or to reject. Men tend to be the ones to take charge, so perhaps they tend to have more of a plan. This last weekend, my husband gave me the green light for this man, but then got upset when he immediately started giving me attention before he visited with my husband. That is a No-No. Rule number one is respect the hubby and I guess this is crossing his boundaries - for both of our cases. Perhaps you can explain that you are spontaneous and ask if you can just go with your gut feeling or if you can exchange a signal when you feel comfortable bending the rules so that he doesn't feel betrayed.
Lubbock TX			Username hidden (253 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Mr. JandE904 and I are newbies. We have talked through the lifestyle extensively but I still have a hard time with dirty talk. He has ended two club set ups b/c I can't seem to communicate EXACTLY what I want at the moment we meet a couple, or I change the rules after meeting the couple and feeling better about them. He's very protective of me and fears playtime won't end well for me if I can't communicate every detail and stick to the pre-arranged rules. For example, on our first club night, I set up a playdate with a very pretty girl and agreed to full swap after the Mr. and I agreed we wouldn't full swap on our first playdate. This weekend something very erotic happened and I was embarrassed to tell him the guy touched my JJ, even though he witnessed it. I know he was right to end it early and I'm grateful for him looking out for me. My concern is that he gets very angry with me for changing our agreed upon rules and for not communicating, which shuts down all forms of communication for later. How can we work through this? Any advice from the experts would be very much appreciated.
Jacksonville Beach FL			Username hidden (1 post)

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TOPIC: Communication

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