Advice after a rough first experience: Swingers Discussion 2086061021

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Advice after a rough first experience: Swingers Discussion 2086061021

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TOPIC: Advice after a rough first experience

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User Details are only visible to members.	Your explanation belies your OP. By describing it as a "rough first experience" and focusing on the anxiety and jealousy, you communicated that there were issues that you requested help with and I offered some advice. Your need to "clarify" tells me you were stressed in the moment but want to give her the benefit of the doubt and that is all well and good but my advice stands. Set hard limits and don't change them in the heat of the moment. The next time might cause real problems between you two.
Youngstown OH			Username hidden (11414 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Maybe you should limit the amount of alcohol involved. Way too many people use drinking as a reason/excuse for their activities. You hear too often that "they have to be drunk to play" or "they did that because they had too much to drink" There are many many emotions involved at the beginning and to get through them requires a clear head, both during and after. Watching your wife give another guy a blow job should be the hottest thing going, not a source of anxiety.
Middletown DE			Username hidden (466 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Welcome time your first time! My wife and I went through the same thing. Listen, both of you need to just talk it through: before, during, and after. Keep talking about what you feel and think and treat the feelings and thoughts as fact because they define that persons reality. You both may change so much over this, that if you don't keep talking you may grow apart. If you make that commitment to keep talking about everything, you'll be way ahead of any craziness that comes your way.
Covina CA			Username hidden (99 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	WNC - Thanks for the feedback. PG and Nic, Let me throw some more details out there and see if this changes your perspective. In trying not to let me post run on forever, I left out some potentally critical information. While the dancefloor stuff was initially upsetting, I easily got passed that. There was mutual attraction all around, and while a discussion never took place, body language of all parties indicated there was a green light. I would have preferred an actual discussion for confirmation, but I get this one. We talked this one out the next morning and was quickly put to rest as we established protocal for future events. The actions leading up to going to the room were discussed in detail also. I chalk this on up to poor communication. I never actually said no. I said I was uncomfortable. Her interpretation of that was that I was willing to move forward but was just nervous. After 18 years I trust my wife. I do not believe she went to the room and ignored my wishes just to jump on some guy. She honestly believed I was a willing participant. And willing I was. I never backed away from or even tried to slow down the other woman, who was all over me as much as my wife was all over her man. One thing I learned the next day was that somewhere in between our discussion and moving to the room, was that my wife discussed my situation with the couple when I stepped away for a moment. This explains a lot as the woman I was with was very understanding and went above and beyond to try to make my feel comforatable. They were not pushy and repeatedly asked us if we were going to far, to which we always replied no. If I had know about this discussion the whole night may have been less stressful. And when we got to the room my wife did not just jump on the guys dick like a dog on a bone. His wife actually climbed on me first. I did not resist or even hesitate, so my wife assumed everything was OK. Its not like I was standing against the wall staring at my watch waiting for her to get done. I enjoyed my self as much as I could, and when things were hands-on, I never heistated or let the shit storm in my head slow me down. We worked this one out, and both agreed we need to start using more "yes" and "no" answers instead of beating around the bush. Had I just said no. Nothing would have happened. I hold no ill feelings toward her for her actions. We have now had a thorough discussion on limits and communication, and I do not think we are destined to repeat those mistakes.
Atlanta GA			Username hidden (3 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I totally agree with Nic. You all have to set some soft and hard limits and learn to communicate better "in the heat of moment" there is no way I would have walked back to a room with a couple knowing my husband was feeling less then 100% on board and the same goes for him if I wasn't the one 100% on board with the idea. PG
Louisville KY			Username hidden (14011 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Welcome WildnFree12 and good luck. It sounds like you will need it. I don't want to be a wet blanket but it sounds like you two are going to have a lot of issues until you and your wife agree to set limits and respect them. I understand get carried away and kissing on the dance floor but when you told her you preferred not to get a room and she ignored you then went to the room and started sucking the other guy, she clearly was not respecting your wishes. Talk a lot about hard and soft limits. Hard limits are things you do NOT change in the heat of the moment, soft limits can only change when both agree. Your wife ignored all of the rules and left you to deal with the fallout. Does not sound promising to me.
Youngstown OH			Username hidden (11414 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Great account, and welcome to the forums. Nervousness, anger, excitement -- which is it? In some ways, these all feel the same. What you're finding is exactly how it is you actually feel about swinging itself. It's intense, and you are learning about yourselves and your relationship, all in one swoop. Rather like a roller coaster ride while it's happening -- intensely scary, exciting, and in some ways sexual, perhaps. You want to get the hell out of there, and shortly you really want to do it again. Now that you've had an experience -- and trust me, yours was hardly "terrible" -- you may build more fantasies together, including more details that may slow you down a bit the next time. Your strongest asset may be your openness about it all. The wife may think about your 'erectile status' next time, making sure you are good to go before going for the other guy. In 'speeding things up' to the ultimate goal of full swap, I'd say you skipped the part where you are watching and softly sharing. That's probably a necessary when you're new to this. Just give up your wife for a minute, then 2 or 3, etc. If you're like me, "Junior" has a mind of his own. Every night is a 3-sum, of sorts. Good luck!
Flat Rock NC			Username hidden (2836 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	The Mrs. and I recently had our first experience with another couple and came away with mixed feelings. I am looking for advice from the experienced crowd to see if our reactions are normal after a first encounter. We went to a local swingers club that we had been to before, but previously just to view the scenery and play alone. This time we were meeting a couple. They knew we were inexperienced, and that we intended to just meet up that evening with no expectations of any swapping that night. Well we hit it off immediately upon meeting them. We started dancing with our spouses, and soon swapped dance partners. After a while I turned my head and found my wife kissing and foundling the other guy. My wife would later say she got carried away because she drank too much, but I was not aware of how drunk she was at the time. I was now pissed off, not because of what she was doing, but because earlier in the evening we stated our intention was to just meet people, and she never asked my if I was interested in doing anything with this couple beyond just dancing. I didn't react and just decided to partake in similar activities with the other wife, since after all, that was our longer term intent anyway. We're just speeding it up a bit. So after everyone is all worked up, there are discussions of finding a room to take things further. At this time I am excited on the inside, but I realize that I am not even close to getting hard. Due to some outside issues (fatigue, work stress, etc) I had had a couple ED issues in the home bedroom recently, so I started getting really stressed. I casually separated my wife from the other couple and told her what was happening (or not happening) with me. She said we didn't have to do anything, but as soon as we got back to the couple, she was all over the guy again, and everyone headed off to find a room. I went along, and was a nervous wreck at this point. My partner sensed my nervousness and was great at trying to help calm me down. Once we are in the room, everyone got naked quickly. As I am on the bed trying to stay calm, I see my wife sucking the guy's dick. This is were I got confused. I was angry, but I do not know if I was angry because she went to the room willingly after I said I was too nervous, or becuase I didn't want to see my wife sucking some other guy's dick. I also think I was probably a little jealous that this guy was getting a BJ from my wife while I sat there with a limp dick. I put it out of my head and went on with my partner doing everything we could imagine that did not require my penis. Once my wife was really worked up, she called for me, and wanted to fuck me. I still couldn't do it for her, but we made due, and finished our little play date. At the end of the evening I was still mad at her for taking things to a level I was not ready for that night, but I was not really mad over any of the actual acts she performed. After all, I was doing the same thing. The next morning (after we were both sober) I told her about how angry I felt, and why. We talked it out and realized both of us should have communicated better. We made up the next day and had sex 3 times. So there is not bitterness, and apparently my temporary ED is gone. Yay. So the issue is that I don't know if I can handle another night like that. We both enjoyed the physical experience, and I would like to try again. But since there were so many missteps, I am not sure if communicating better up front would stop all the whirlwind of shit in my head. My gut reaction is to try again, but slow it down a bit. Any insight or similar experiences anyone has worked through would be much appreciated.
Atlanta GA			Username hidden (3 post)

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TOPIC: Advice after a rough first experience