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Advice after a rough first experience : Swingers Discussion 2086061011
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TOPIC: Advice after a rough first experience
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I think it is awesome that you did not get defensive and that you are being proactive not only with checking out the ED issues but with continuing to talk with your wife about EVERYTHING. It seems so obvious but to me, this is the single most over-looked solution to nearly every LS situation. And the fact that you have kept a sense of humor about all of it means you really do have a great attitude and I have no doubt you will have fun in the future.

Now here is a little more advice that may sound self-serving, coming from a SM. Think about having an MFM with your wife and a single guy. See what it is like to just have another guy join you two and see how you react to her bring pleasured without the pressure of you having another woman in the room to try and please. I think this will help on a couple of levels. One, you and the other guy aren't "competing" in any way, both are focused on pleasing your wife. You get to see her interact with the guy and you at the same time so there won't be any anxiety of watching "from afar". Two, not having another woman in the room means you can keep all of your focus on your wife. Maybe once you do this a time or two and realize that you actually can relax and watch her enjoy herself, adding that other woman will seem easier than before.

Just thought....good luck and HAVE FUN!

Youngstown OH
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Good Luck to you and your wife! Good luck at the Doc too!

The forums can be a wealth of knowledge, support, experience and understanding. (mostly...LOL)

ItsBeen

Jacksonville FL
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Thanks everyone for your input. It has really made me reassess the entire situation and asked myself some questions bout the source of my stress/anger/anxiety.

Yes I realize the two posts appear to be from different perspectives, and that is because they are (sort of). The OP was written hastily, and in an attempt to keep from writing a long post that no one would read, I left out some significant information. After Nic and PG posted, I realised that (as Livewire pointed out), that I painted a picture of a selfish wife who was only looking out for herself and did not care about me. That was not my intent and I felt terrible about portraying her that way. That is why I posted the followup. The followup is a more accurate account of the evening.

Kinddraggon and Livewire, Your posts were almost dead on and helped me a lot. They made me replay the evening in my head and really find out where things went bad. Here is what I figured out. 1) Everyone was having a good time, but it did not start going bad in my head when I saw her fooling around with another man. There was some shock value, but it was not upsetting. It went bad when I realised I was still completely soft while a half naked woman was all over me. It was apparent that things were going to progress and I became nervous over potentially not performing. 2) I did feel like I could not compete with the other guy, and I did get upset when my wife was enjoying his attention. But the root of that lies, not in anger at her being with another man, but in seeing her get from him what I was incapable of giving her at the time.

My wife and I have discussed what we did with the couple multiple times. We tell the stories of what was going on when we were not watching each other and we laugh and have fun with it. When she talks about any of the acts with the other man I do not feel jealous. When I replay what I saw in my head, it does not upset me, and it actually arouses me a little.

It seems that the root of all of the shit in my head is the ED, and I was redirecting and confusing that frustration with jealousy and anger. If I would have been able to get an erection, I think it would have been a wonderful evening.

I am going to see a doctor next week.

I do not know if we will try swinging again, but before we even consider it, I need to take care of the ED issues. I would like to try again after a while. If we have another "bad" experience, I will be able to handle it better, and our relationship is strong enough to deal with it. But again,fix my health first.

Thank you all. It has been therapeutic sharing this experience and reading your replies.

Atlanta GA
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Great advice livewire...couldn't have said it better myself!

;^D

Youngstown OH
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Chiming in on part of this...OP was really different "feel" from follow-up post.

Communication and respecting boundaries is the key in any relationship and especially so here . What little experience I've had was only successful because of trust, boundaries and open communication that is UNDERSTOOD by all parties involved.

As an aside, my first ventures out to the clubs so far have been sober. I do drink but I've wanted to be totally clear headed as I adventure out and learn.

Jacksonville FL
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Your explanation belies your OP. By describing it as a "rough first experience" and focusing on the anxiety and jealousy, you communicated that there were issues that you requested help with and I offered some advice. Your need to "clarify" tells me you were stressed in the moment but want to give her the benefit of the doubt and that is all well and good but my advice stands. Set hard limits and don't change them in the heat of the moment. The next time might cause real problems between you two.

Youngstown OH
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Maybe you should limit the amount of alcohol involved. Way too many people use drinking as a reason/excuse for their activities. You hear too often that "they have to be drunk to play" or "they did that because they had too much to drink" There are many many emotions involved at the beginning and to get through them requires a clear head, both during and after.

Watching your wife give another guy a blow job should be the hottest thing going, not a source of anxiety.

Middletown DE
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Welcome time your first time!

My wife and I went through the same thing. Listen, both of you need to just talk it through: before, during, and after. Keep talking about what you feel and think and treat the feelings and thoughts as fact because they define that persons reality. You both may change so much over this, that if you don't keep talking you may grow apart. If you make that commitment to keep talking about everything, you'll be way ahead of any craziness that comes your way.

Covina CA
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WNC - Thanks for the feedback.

PG and Nic, Let me throw some more details out there and see if this changes your perspective. In trying not to let me post run on forever, I left out some potentally critical information.

While the dancefloor stuff was initially upsetting, I easily got passed that. There was mutual attraction all around, and while a discussion never took place, body language of all parties indicated there was a green light. I would have preferred an actual discussion for confirmation, but I get this one. We talked this one out the next morning and was quickly put to rest as we established protocal for future events.

The actions leading up to going to the room were discussed in detail also. I chalk this on up to poor communication. I never actually said no. I said I was uncomfortable. Her interpretation of that was that I was willing to move forward but was just nervous. After 18 years I trust my wife. I do not believe she went to the room and ignored my wishes just to jump on some guy. She honestly believed I was a willing participant. And willing I was. I never backed away from or even tried to slow down the other woman, who was all over me as much as my wife was all over her man.

One thing I learned the next day was that somewhere in between our discussion and moving to the room, was that my wife discussed my situation with the couple when I stepped away for a moment. This explains a lot as the woman I was with was very understanding and went above and beyond to try to make my feel comforatable. They were not pushy and repeatedly asked us if we were going to far, to which we always replied no. If I had know about this discussion the whole night may have been less stressful.

And when we got to the room my wife did not just jump on the guys dick like a dog on a bone. His wife actually climbed on me first. I did not resist or even hesitate, so my wife assumed everything was OK. Its not like I was standing against the wall staring at my watch waiting for her to get done. I enjoyed my self as much as I could, and when things were hands-on, I never heistated or let the shit storm in my head slow me down.

We worked this one out, and both agreed we need to start using more "yes" and "no" answers instead of beating around the bush. Had I just said no. Nothing would have happened. I hold no ill feelings toward her for her actions. We have now had a thorough discussion on limits and communication, and I do not think we are destined to repeat those mistakes.

Atlanta GA
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I totally agree with Nic. You all have to set some soft and hard limits and learn to communicate better "in the heat of moment" there is no way I would have walked back to a room with a couple knowing my husband was feeling less then 100% on board and the same goes for him if I wasn't the one 100% on board with the idea.

PG

Louisville KY
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TOPIC: Advice after a rough first experience