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Understanding BDSM : Swingers Discussion 1866391011
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TOPIC: Understanding BDSM
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Ghost,

While I know what you're saying, I'm going to provide some context for doms new to BDSM so they'll have some perspective on what it is that you do.

Trying things out on yourself may be a good idea, but it may also give you a false perspective on what a sub is feeling/experiencing.

Different people have different pain thresholds. They may redden, bruise, or cut more (or less) easily than you do. And you, being a dom, are unlikely to experience the pleasure of the pain that your sub may feel.

Now, once you've been with a sub for a long time, you'll be able to use what you feel as a reference to what the sub feels. But if one of you is new to BDSM or you're new to each other, going slowly and carefully in a session while paying close attention to the sub's reactions is much better than knowing what something feels like for you.

Kitty Hawk NC
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I know this is an 'aging' post but I wanted to add a bit to the thread...

In addition to all of the work that a Dominant puts into a 'scene', some, like myself were Mentored doing even more. For instance, I make all of the leather that will ever touch MrsMuir's body. It takes more time and certainly more effort, but it is so valuable to ME as it allows me to contemplate all aspects of it as I make it. Will this rub, or cut her in heavy use. Will it be the exact right size? Will she be able to wear it for long periods without any ill effects? I put the same care into my floggers and paddles. NEVER has an impact tool touched her skin before it I knew on my own skin, how it would feel to her. I also choose her dress for parties and 'lifestyle' (how I dislike that word) events. The preparations involved in Nawa-do (the way of the rope) are even more extensive. The list is nearly endless. And I would not have it ANY other way.

East Fishkill NY
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Green Bay WI
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Let's clarify... BDSM or BD,Ds,SM (The D's and S's are used twice)

Bondage and Discipline Dominance and submission Sadism and Masochism

Swingers all over the world often cross over into BDSM in their regular play. Have you ever tied a scarf around your partner's eyes to do a make shift blindfold? Well, you just practiced D/s.

How about those "sport sheets" with velcro tie downs to hold you lover in that perfect position... That's B/D.

Has your lover been 'high' after a really hard fuck? Their is an name for that... It's called 'sub space' and it is S/M.

See you have been in the BDSM scene the whole time.

Smile ;>

Hermitage TN
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I think a major misunderstanding people have about D/s is how much work is incumbent upon the Dominant to create safe and satisfying scene. I always feel the need to "up the game" when we scene, and the sheer amount of planning and work to guide p through the head-space is the reason why we aren't "lifestyle" D/s.

I run into newcomers who often have the assumption that the submissive is doing all the work. They may be performing tasks, but to really hit head-space, they're going to have to not think about it, and not get snapped out of it.

That doesn't always happen, of course, but it's what we strive for.

New Market MD
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I have always looked at the D/s from the perspective of removing "blocks" A lot of people want to experience truely wild and satisfying sex at the highest level. However due to upbringing, jaded relationships, years of subconscience training that sex is bad, they cannot fully enjoy themselves. My wife is a prime example. She is one off the chain, balls to the wall sexual dynamo. However that part of herself is buried under years and years of good girl upbringing, religion, and an early homelife of everything bad , being her fault, and made to feel guilty of any pleasure she received( not always sexual).

By being married to her over 22 years I have discovered somethings. At first, the best sex we had was when she got hammered. She lost all of her inhibitions and 100 percent of the time played, 'We did what?" card claiming not to remember anything , ergo removing any guild she may have felt. So rather than becoming raging alcoholics, I decided to call her bluff, and refused to have any sort of sex if she had a single drink. I did cater to her and take the gentleman approach, but this was not very successful in truely releasing what I knew was inside.

And then the break through, a simple pair of fuzzy cuffs and she was back! I began to suspect that it was a control issue for her so I slowly worked it from that angle. This of course progressed and led to my current understanding of the situation. A Dom takes all responsibilty for everything happens, good and bad, the sub is able to enjoy the sex, because they can in no way be held accountable or responsible and therefore have 0 guilt about truely enjoying themselves.

I am sure there are folks with EONS of college out there that explain this and probably cure it....however I d not want the cure, I like what I got just fine!

Blythe GA
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I have found that the most "dangerous" ones are the weekend warriors..they see a tv show on HBO on BDSM and decide yeah gee, I think I'm a DOM!!! And they think that being an asshole is being a dom...when, in my opinion, you are born as such. You are either born D/s or you are not, you cannot make this stuff up. There are men that are JUST dom. They just are. It comes out from within and they "command" a respect. A sub can see this and it is a very unique chemistry. I have never intermingled my adoration for D/s with traditional swinging. When I have talked with friends about it they kind of get that "boo boo" face and think that it means I like men beating the hell out of me or something. I do not know why people think that, our friend was like shelly! you like having a man beat you up? I was like really, you know me and you think I would be okay with having someone beat my ass up haha. Most people who are really involved in that lifestyle...you do not even know they are involved in it in the first place. It is a very private, very special part of one's being. But thats just my 2 cents on it.


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Kat,

A very good question!

A large part of the problem is that people not involved with D/s have certain assumptions about it. Males, particularly, understand that they're supposed to be in charge without understanding the rules and responsibilities that go along with it, and the deep trust that it requires. As a consequence, they focus on the idea that "I can order this person (change that noun to something less pleasant) around and she'll like it." Well, no. A good response to that is, "I may be sub, but I'm not YOUR sub."

The situation you describe is more complex than that, however. It's very difficult to barge into the room where your husband is and say, "Tell Mr. Clueless and his wife to leave now, please." That's one reason we don't do separate rooms.

We occasionally have let vanilla swingers have a peek at D/s, but mostly by letting them watch us, or by me dominating the other woman while her husband watches at first, then takes over.

It's interesting how many couples express an interest in watching. That usually goes away when we explain that they aren't allowed to watch with their clothes on.

For that reason, we're very selective about couples with whom we play. We've found that we want to do more discussing with both LS and D/s couples than many couples in the LS would tolerate, and we're fine with that.

Hope that was of some use. You asked really difficult questions, but that's why these forums exist, isn't it?

Kitty Hawk NC
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Great post.

We love the Bondage and the Dom/sub part of it. Spanking is fun too.

The hardcore S&M is out of our league. But to each his own.

Middletown DE
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Nice post.

Pittsburgh PA
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TOPIC: Understanding BDSM