Swinging and BDSM: Swingers Discussion 1544131021

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Swinging and BDSM: Swingers Discussion 1544131021

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TOPIC: Swinging and BDSM

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User Details are only visible to members.	Sweettart, A fetish is "something, such as a material object or a nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire and may become necessary for sexual gratification." The things you list as fetishes are bdsm/sexual activities. Common fetishes are leather or rubber fetishes and foot fetishes. I'm not sure why you think you're not structured enough for the BDSM group. Did you have a particular group of people in mind, or are you referring to everyone who says they're into BDSM? My experience is that while some BDSMers think that they'd be compatible with any other BDSMer, the variety of BDSM interests is so large that BDSMers have way more to talk about to establish compatibility. Could you say more about why you think you're not structured enough? - ST
Kitty Hawk NC			Username hidden (163 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Yes that does happen. We are in somewhat the same situation. Some couples run as soon as we pull out the blindfolds/gags but others are intreged by in. We find that by rewording it they are more open to it. Instead of telling them you're into bondage, tell them you enjoy being tied to the bed. Instead of saying you like to be spanked say you like to have your botton swatted. Instead of being gagged you like your mouth covered. And so on. ALWAYS be up front, NEVER force the issue. Our profile says "If you're into BDSM great but if not thats ok too.
Davenport FL			Username hidden (51 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Yes that does happen. We are in somewhat the same situation. Some couples run as soon as we pull out the blindfolds/gags but others are intreged by in. We find that by rewording it they are more open to it. Instead of telling them you're into bondage, tell them you enjoy being tied to the bed. Instead of saying you like to be spanked say you like to have your botton swatted. Instead of being gagged you like your mouth covered. And so on. ALWAYS be up front, NEVER force the issue. Our profile says "If you're into BDSM great but if not thats ok too.
Davenport FL			Username hidden (51 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I have a question That I think falls under the subject of this thread. We do consider ourselves a D/s couple but are heavy into fetishes (bondage,spanking,pegging,candle wax play,queening, face fucking, ect) problem is we don't fit in with either side of the coin. we are too wild for swingers and not structured enough for the bdsm group. because of this we never find anyone who is interested in playing with us and are wondering if anyone else has found themselves in this type of situation and what if any solution they came up with.
Dallas TX			Username hidden (2225 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Ok, I'll agree with that. but like I said the two are not incompatible and if you do one doesn't mean you can't do the other. Also the line between the two may blur to the point its not noticeable, especially to those who don't think they do either.
Davenport FL			Username hidden (51 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	llmf, I know you know these things, but I did want to clarify a bit for the non-BDSMers reading. Before sessioning, a dom and a sub will negotiate their limits (yes, a dom can have limits too). It is considered very bad form to negotiate what will happen during a session, as it essentially means that the session is scripted and there is no surprise factor. Instead, the dom may do anything within the sub's limits. As long as the sub does as told, all responsibility falls to the dom. Doms want the responsibility. If a dom blames a problem in a session on the sub, or wants the sub to decide what goes on, that's someone who should not be a dom. It's very important that the negotiations on limits are very detailed. It's the dom's responsibility to put on the table anything that might occur in the session that might be a problem for the sub. I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard an inexperienced sub say that they don't know what they like or don't like. It means I have to dig deep and force them to consider a large number of things that they have never thought about before. Yes, there are safe words/actions to stop the session if there is a problem. Some subs, by choice, do not have safe words. It is a clear failure on a dom's part to cause the sub to "safe" because the dom brought something into the session that was not part of the limits discussion. I'm not a fan of the phrase "Safe, sane, and consensual." BDSM often involves edge play, doing things at the edge of safety. And I'm sure there are a lot of things done by BDSMers that vanilla people would consider quite the opposite of sane. I prefer to use the phrase "Risk-Aware Consensual Kink" (RACK) that I think better describes what BDSMers do. - ST
Kitty Hawk NC			Username hidden (163 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I agree that there are differences, but my point is that the two are not mutually exclusive like many think. While BDSM does tend to be more structured and rule oriented, for safety reasons, the primary goal is pleasure and enjoyment of BOTH (or all) involved. As for the Dom being responsible for what happens, because of the prior negations both know what to expect and have a way to stop it if they (either) thinks theres a problem or doesn't fell right. Both BDSMer and swinger believe that any play should be Safe, Sane and Consentual above all else. Also jealousy has no place in either type of relationship.
Davenport FL			Username hidden (51 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	lmff, I agree that most vanilla people have done things that fall under BDSM. To your list I'd add handcuffs and tying a partner to the bedposts using neckties or silk scarves. But I think there are some very real differences that are important to recognize. First, BDSMers call what they do a session and are sessioning, while swingers are playing or having a play date. A session is much more formal. In their session, BDSMers have very defined roles that govern the relations between the participants. The dom is the dom and the sub is the sub throughout the session. Swingers tend to think more about balance and fairness -- you did that to me, now I'll do it to you. In a session, only the dom controls what happens. If things don't go well in a session, that's the dom's responsibility. If things don't go well when swingers are playing, it could be any or all of the participants' faults. BDSMers have a large number of rules and protocols that are meant to insure the safety of the participants. For swingers, there isn't a lot more than agreements about safe sex. I think this flows over into the way swingers and BDSMers think about meeting others. A major criterion for swingers is the attractiveness of their partners. For BDSMers, attractiveness generally comes well after many other criteria, including skill and technique, experience, and specific interests. Swingers usually expect to play on the first date. BDSMers have a rule that you don't play on the first date, though this rule often gets thrown to the winds. None of that means that BDSMers and vanilla swingers can't have fun together. It's just that they'll have to do a lot more discussing beforehand and agree which rules they're going to play under. - ST
Kitty Hawk NC			Username hidden (163 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	There is a great misconception that BDSM and swinging are incompatible. Many "normal" couples (and more) engage in light BDSM without realizing it. Think about it, have you ever been blindfolded? Chances are you have! Ever been held down? Most likely. Ever been told (or told someone) what to do? I'm sure you have. How about a swat on the ass? Who hasn't? All of these are forms of BDSM
Davenport FL			Username hidden (51 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Once at a dungeon we used to frequent, I was having a very "toppy" night, mentally. I guess I was in serious headspace... anyways, one of the single males who frequented the club brought up some friends of his who went to a swinger's club in New Orleans. He started going off on how boring and cliche swinging was, and how he lost respect for his friends knowing that. I ended up calling him out on the mat for that, asking him how he could sit in the middle of a club that was having a shibari demonstration, and be so closed minded about his friends' kinks. His answer: "Who ever said that people in alternative lifestyles had to be open minded?" I had no response to that. I seriously couldn't understand the sense of that statement, so I just kind of stopping being near him. But in my humble opinion, if you participate in a niche kink that generally requires a special kind of social networking (like these kinds of websites, or clubs with special membership requirements), then you ought to be open minded to others. Maybe it's not the consensus view, but to me, it only makes sense.
New Market MD			Username hidden (193 post)

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TOPIC: Swinging and BDSM