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Swinging and BDSM : Swingers Discussion 1544131011
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TOPIC: Swinging and BDSM
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No looking down on anybody here. On behalf of us, WELCOME.

Weston FL
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New to this site, but a lot of things in this thread ring true for us.

We are a full time Master/slave couple. Slave L has been collard 247/365 for almost 5 years and for us its certainly not a game. That said however, we still do all things vanilla couples do, and if you saw us out for dinner, apart perhaps from Slave's collar, and the hight of her heels there is nothing to separate us from millions of other couples.

However, of all the negative comments we've had about our chosen lifestyle, the most consistent come either from Swingers who seem to think we are freaks or from some BDSM types who seem to think we have "betrayed the cause" by swinging (or indeed some cases simple by actually fucking)

I have to say, that for all their liberal credentials a lot of swingers seem to be completely freaked by anything which is not sex, I know this is a sweeping statement but a lot of swingers can't seem to get past the sex to the sexual.

Also one of the other things I have noticed is the impact of booze, by and large the BDSM players tend not to mix Booze and play (let's face it if you sticking needles in someone you need to be 100% sober) however in our experiences a lot of swingers events are fuelled by booze. Invariably these leads to a very different atmosphere

Master G

Havering United Kingdom
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That could of course happen, but as you meet that couple several times and they get more comfortable with the lighter things you explain that you like more of it. Introduce it a little at a time and they may be more receptive in the long run and all will learn to enjoy. Of course, if you plan on it being a one time thing then this wont work very well.

Davenport FL
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"We find that by rewording it they are more open to it."

That's certainly a useful tool, but also, I think, a double-edged sword. There will be some who will hear that "you like to have your bottom swatted" and with think, "OK, a couple of swats on the bottom wouldn't be bad." They assume that's all you want during the play. When you want to do a serious spanking, even if it's with your own partner, they'll be horrified. Or they'll think they've done their duty giving your sub partner a couple of swats and will want to move on to the more fun, vanilla sex part.

If you're happy with the two swats and then just want to trade partners and swing, that won't be a problem. But if you were expecting the BDSM and sex to blend into one wonderful experience, you might be really disappointed and frustrated.

Kitty Hawk NC
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Sweettart,

A fetish is "something, such as a material object or a nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire and may become necessary for sexual gratification." The things you list as fetishes are bdsm/sexual activities. Common fetishes are leather or rubber fetishes and foot fetishes.

I'm not sure why you think you're not structured enough for the BDSM group. Did you have a particular group of people in mind, or are you referring to everyone who says they're into BDSM? My experience is that while some BDSMers think that they'd be compatible with any other BDSMer, the variety of BDSM interests is so large that BDSMers have way more to talk about to establish compatibility.

Could you say more about why you think you're not structured enough?

- ST

Kitty Hawk NC
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Yes that does happen. We are in somewhat the same situation. Some couples run as soon as we pull out the blindfolds/gags but others are intreged by in. We find that by rewording it they are more open to it. Instead of telling them you're into bondage, tell them you enjoy being tied to the bed. Instead of saying you like to be spanked say you like to have your botton swatted. Instead of being gagged you like your mouth covered. And so on. ALWAYS be up front, NEVER force the issue. Our profile says "If you're into BDSM great but if not thats ok too.

Davenport FL
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Yes that does happen. We are in somewhat the same situation. Some couples run as soon as we pull out the blindfolds/gags but others are intreged by in. We find that by rewording it they are more open to it. Instead of telling them you're into bondage, tell them you enjoy being tied to the bed. Instead of saying you like to be spanked say you like to have your botton swatted. Instead of being gagged you like your mouth covered. And so on. ALWAYS be up front, NEVER force the issue. Our profile says "If you're into BDSM great but if not thats ok too.

Davenport FL
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Ok, I'll agree with that. but like I said the two are not incompatible and if you do one doesn't mean you can't do the other. Also the line between the two may blur to the point its not noticeable, especially to those who don't think they do either.

Davenport FL
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llmf,

I know you know these things, but I did want to clarify a bit for the non-BDSMers reading.

Before sessioning, a dom and a sub will negotiate their limits (yes, a dom can have limits too). It is considered very bad form to negotiate what will happen during a session, as it essentially means that the session is scripted and there is no surprise factor. Instead, the dom may do anything within the sub's limits. As long as the sub does as told, all responsibility falls to the dom. Doms want the responsibility. If a dom blames a problem in a session on the sub, or wants the sub to decide what goes on, that's someone who should not be a dom.

It's very important that the negotiations on limits are very detailed. It's the dom's responsibility to put on the table anything that might occur in the session that might be a problem for the sub. I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard an inexperienced sub say that they don't know what they like or don't like. It means I have to dig deep and force them to consider a large number of things that they have never thought about before.

Yes, there are safe words/actions to stop the session if there is a problem. Some subs, by choice, do not have safe words. It is a clear failure on a dom's part to cause the sub to "safe" because the dom brought something into the session that was not part of the limits discussion.

I'm not a fan of the phrase "Safe, sane, and consensual." BDSM often involves edge play, doing things at the edge of safety. And I'm sure there are a lot of things done by BDSMers that vanilla people would consider quite the opposite of sane. I prefer to use the phrase "Risk-Aware Consensual Kink" (RACK) that I think better describes what BDSMers do.

- ST

Kitty Hawk NC
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I agree that there are differences, but my point is that the two are not mutually exclusive like many think. While BDSM does tend to be more structured and rule oriented, for safety reasons, the primary goal is pleasure and enjoyment of BOTH (or all) involved. As for the Dom being responsible for what happens, because of the prior negations both know what to expect and have a way to stop it if they (either) thinks theres a problem or doesn't fell right. Both BDSMer and swinger believe that any play should be Safe, Sane and Consentual above all else. Also jealousy has no place in either type of relationship.

Davenport FL
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TOPIC: Swinging and BDSM