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Safe Words : Swingers Discussion 2006581011
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TOPIC: Safe Words
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"Green, yellow, red" is a well known system successfully used by many.

The problem is the meaning of "yellow." Generally, D/sers mean it as a warning that the sub is getting close to "red," that is, stopping the session.

But the sub is not yet ready to stop the session, and its use suggests that the sub knows exactly how much more he/she can take, which may or may not be true. What is the dom supposed to do? Keep going at the same intensity? Back off and reduce the intensity? Do something different to the sub?

Some dominants might regard "yellow" as topping from the bottom, a way for the sub to control things without really seeming to. The sub can honestly (or dishonestly) say that he/she wasn't stopping the session, just giving the domme a warning. That could be helpful or it could be manipulative.

The bottom line is that the sub and the dom need to communicate before any sessioning begins about how safewords or safeword systems should be used and for what reason. There's never an easy way to substitute for trust and communication.

Kitty Hawk NC
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We have been trying to find a word that works for us. Never thought it would be that difficult, (green, yellow, red) is a great idea.

Middletown DE
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We use the colors of a traffic light.

Green Yellow Red

In our play, the colors mean the same. Green = All is OK Yellow = Slow Down, lets talk about this, regain composure Red = ALL STOP. I'm not liking this at all.

Even in subspace, my sub knows these colors & their meanings.

Plant City FL
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"FLÜGGÅ?NK?€CHIŒßØL?ÊN"....LOL

Southampton PA
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ske4fun,

Ah, the Eurotrip Safe word from Lucy Lawless.

Harmony FL
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Ribulosebisphosphatecarboxylaseoxygenase

That's what you get when you let a chemist pick the safe word

Brea CA
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Flüggåenkdecicebølsen

(That isn't completely correct - I wasn't sure how to make some of the characters. If you want to find the original, do a Google image search for "safe word".)

Brea CA
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4Two,

I agree that RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) better describes D/s than SSC does. But when you're aware of risks, you take measures to minimize any impact they might have, and allowing the sub to stop a session in an emergency is clearly such a measure.

If you think a sub using a safe word takes the power away from the dominant, then you're probably right, in your case it would. I can tell you that if a sub of mine safed for a trivial reason, the next time it happened, the session would be over and she would be gone for good. I've never seen this be an issue for longstanding D/s couples, and such a sub would only safe in a real emergency. Trust is a two way street, and if you can't trust your sub to know when a session needs to stop, then you have a problem beyond the scope of this discussion.

Of course if you're a sadist, one who finds dishing out pain erotic regardless of whether the sub enjoys it or not, then you only stop a session when you're done. I have nothing to say to sadists about their kink, and they have nothing to say to me about mine, and I'll readily concede that no self-respecting sadist would allow a safe word.

Kitty Hawk NC
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i think we at one time had a safe word but i cant even remember it since i never used it. hubby is my dom and i trust him to always be well aware of how i am feeling. i do not sub for anyone else because the trust would not be there.

Philadelphia PA
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Safe words have come up recently in discussions in various topics, so it's probably a good idea to say more in depth about this topic.

A safe word is a word the submissive uses to stop a session immediately. "Stop" is an obvious safe word, but if dom and sub play the game in which "stop" doesn't mean stop, a different safe word is used. It can be anything, but a word that's easy to remember is a good idea.

What if the sub is gagged or can't otherwise speak? Instead of a safe word, the dom and sub would establish a safe action. Holding an object and dropping it to stop the session is a commonly used safe action. A ball with something inside it that makes a noise when the ball rolls (such as an easy-to-obtain cat toy) might help call the domme's attention to the fact that the object was dropped.

It is sometimes said that safe words are not needed. If "Stop!" isn't counted as a safe word, this might be true. However, a sub ALWAYS needs to be able to stop a session for reasons of serious physical distress. If the sub is having a heart attack, for example, the sub's not being able to stop the session would be a very bad thing indeed.

It's also important to say that a safe word provides no protection to the sub whatsoever if the dom is not willing to stop the session when the safe word is used. A safe word is only as good as the sub's trust in the domme. This is one reason why experienced D/s people keep talking about trust.

Dominants usually follow one of two theories about safe words. Some dommes feel that it is their responsibility to know the sub and understand what the sub is thinking and feeling during the session. If the sub needs to use a safe word, the dom feels as if he has failed to do that. Under this theory, the dom never wants his sub to have to safe.

Under the other theory, the domme wants to be sure her sub will safe if necessary. She will push her sub to safe from time to time just to test the system. If the sub doesn't safe, the dom knows that a discussion needs to take place, or he can never push his sub to the edge of her limits safely.

Of course all dominants want subs to use their safe words when it is really needed. A sub who safes for very minor things or to test the dom will find that he or she will soon be looking for a new dominant.

Kitty Hawk NC
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TOPIC: Safe Words