Safe Words: Swingers Discussion 200658

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TOPIC: Safe Words

Created by: stgalacouple Original Starting post for this thread:
Safe words have come up recently in discussions in various topics, so it's probably a good idea to say more in depth about this topic. A safe word is a word the submissive uses to stop a session immediately. "Stop" is an obvious safe word, but if dom and sub play the game in which "stop" doesn't mean stop, a different safe word is used. It can be anything, but a word that's easy to remember is a good idea. What if the sub is gagged or can't otherwise speak? Instead of a safe word, the dom and sub would establish a safe action. Holding an object and dropping it to stop the session is a commonly used safe action. A ball with something inside it that makes a noise when the ball rolls (such as an easy-to-obtain cat toy) might help call the domme's attention to the fact that the object was dropped. It is sometimes said that safe words are not needed. If "Stop!" isn't counted as a safe word, this might be true. However, a sub ALWAYS needs to be able to stop a session for reasons of serious physical distress. If the sub is having a heart attack, for example, the sub's not being able to stop the session would be a very bad thing indeed. It's also important to say that a safe word provides no protection to the sub whatsoever if the dom is not willing to stop the session when the safe word is used. A safe word is only as good as the sub's trust in the domme. This is one reason why experienced D/s people keep talking about trust. Dominants usually follow one of two theories about safe words. Some dommes feel that it is their responsibility to know the sub and understand what the sub is thinking and feeling during the session. If the sub needs to use a safe word, the dom feels as if he has failed to do that. Under this theory, the dom never wants his sub to have to safe. Under the other theory, the domme wants to be sure her sub will safe if necessary. She will push her sub to safe from time to time just to test the system. If the sub doesn't safe, the dom knows that a discussion needs to take place, or he can never push his sub to the edge of her limits safely. Of course all dominants want subs to use their safe words when it is really needed. A sub who safes for very minor things or to test the dom will find that he or she will soon be looking for a new dominant.

Created by: stgalacouple
Original Starting post for this thread:

Safe words have come up recently in discussions in various topics, so it's probably a good idea to say more in depth about this topic.

A safe word is a word the submissive uses to stop a session immediately.  "Stop" is an obvious safe word, but if dom and sub play the game in which "stop" doesn't mean stop, a different safe word is used.  It can be anything, but a word that's easy to remember is a good idea.

What if the sub is gagged or can't otherwise speak?  Instead of a safe word, the dom and sub would establish a safe action.  Holding an object and dropping it to stop the session is a commonly used safe action.  A ball with something inside it that makes a noise when the ball rolls (such as an easy-to-obtain cat toy) might help call the domme's attention to the fact that the object was dropped.

It is sometimes said that safe words are not needed.  If "Stop!" isn't counted as a safe word, this might be true.  However, a sub ALWAYS needs to be able to stop a session for reasons of serious physical distress.  If the sub is having a heart attack, for example, the sub's not being able to stop the session would be a very bad thing indeed.

It's also important to say that a safe word provides no protection to the sub whatsoever if the dom is not willing to stop the session when the safe word is used.  A safe word is only as good as the sub's trust in the domme.  This is one reason why experienced D/s people keep talking about trust.  

Dominants usually follow one of two theories about safe words.  Some dommes feel that it is their responsibility to know the sub and understand what the sub is thinking and feeling during the session.  If the sub needs to use a safe word, the dom feels as if he has failed to do that.  Under this theory, the dom never wants his sub to have to safe.

Under the other theory, the domme wants to be sure her sub will safe if necessary.  She will push her sub to safe from time to time just to test the system.  If the sub doesn't safe, the dom knows that a discussion needs to take place, or he can never push his sub to the edge of her limits safely.

Of course all dominants want subs to use their safe words when it is really needed.  A sub who safes for very minor things or to test the dom will find that he or she will soon be looking for a new dominant.

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User Details are only visible to members.	If a bottom wants to stop everything, saying "stop" works perfect. If she she wants to slow down, saying "slow down" is easy to understand... no need for code words, unless you are including some sort of coercive roleplay in your scene. Safe words are great, but I think a top still needs to take responsibility for being in tune and not going too far. Some bottoms won't use safe words when maybe they should. The "scale of one to ten" idea is something very familiar to most. I use a ten scale when I am exploring edges with a new playmate, to get feedback about where she is. I say "ten scale" and she gives me a number -1 through 10- to let me know how close she feels to her limit - 10 says she feels she is at the max she can handle.
Pismo Beach CA			Username hidden (302 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	We tried out several different safe words, but then came up with a simple solution. The word yellow mean slow down things are getting a little intense. The word red means stop immediately and completely. This is easy to remember, and it's almost idiot proof as most people are already familiar with slow and stop for yellow and red respectively.
Bristol PA			Username hidden (2 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	lol...yeah well maybe that is what makes me so specail! Most all of my play, including restraint and D/s play involves having multiple guys, each bearing (baring?) one cock. Hence, multiple cocks. ;^D
Youngstown OH			Username hidden (11415 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Andy, Multiple cocks eh?
Colts Neck NJ			Username hidden (12198 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	CockS How many do you have hiding in those shorts of yours?
Augusta NJ			Username hidden (16075 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	My middle finger is normally in use and she can feel free to use whatever fingers she wants to signal with but her hands are usually wrapped around cocks.
Youngstown OH			Username hidden (11415 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	What would the middle finger mean ;)~
Augusta NJ			Username hidden (16075 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	What! No middle finger? :)
Colts Neck NJ			Username hidden (12198 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I have used red and yellow as well and they are always easy to remember and their nmeanings are instantly clear. As a change of pace, I suggested using banana and cherry once but we decided that would just make us laugh. For some play we also use hand signals. One finger = yellow, two fingers = red.
Youngstown OH			Username hidden (11415 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	"Green, yellow, red" is a well known system successfully used by many. The problem is the meaning of "yellow." Generally, D/sers mean it as a warning that the sub is getting close to "red," that is, stopping the session. But the sub is not yet ready to stop the session, and its use suggests that the sub knows exactly how much more he/she can take, which may or may not be true. What is the dom supposed to do? Keep going at the same intensity? Back off and reduce the intensity? Do something different to the sub? Some dominants might regard "yellow" as topping from the bottom, a way for the sub to control things without really seeming to. The sub can honestly (or dishonestly) say that he/she wasn't stopping the session, just giving the domme a warning. That could be helpful or it could be manipulative. The bottom line is that the sub and the dom need to communicate before any sessioning begins about how safewords or safeword systems should be used and for what reason. There's never an easy way to substitute for trust and communication.
Kitty Hawk NC			Username hidden (152 post)

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TOPIC: Safe Words