115
Maybe this is why bdsm and swinging seems at odds : Swingers Discussion 2006661092
Busy Swingers Forum - everything you always wanted to know about swingers.
SwingLifeStyle Swingers Personal Ads. | SwingLifeStyle Swingers Clubs

Busy Swingers Forum

Everything you always wanted to know about swingers.

Create A Free Account

HELP
FORUMSGeneral DiscussionsBDSMMaybe this is why bdsm and swinging seems at odds
TOPIC: Maybe this is why bdsm and swinging seems at odds
GoTo Page: Less ... 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Start   92 to 101 of 105   End
User Details are only visible to members.
@TheGhost_and_MrsMuir

Sadly you seemed to have missed my point. My 2nd post there was trying to explain that I didn't feel anyone was trying to "upsell" bdsm. Yes I am well aware there are 1000s of ways of doing things differently. We are well aware of people that don't join the social community for bdsm nor get into some of or any of the structures I mentioned. My post was simple trying to point out that there is much more depth in bdsm then in swinging and that is not an upsell, but just a fact.

Charles City VA
Username hidden
(53 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
"Ghost, lookie here, something we agree on ;)

I've a greed with you on several things M, this subject most consistently.

East Fishkill NY
Username hidden
(3579 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
Ghost, lookie here, something we agree on ;). This is why I gave up posting here, I realized that majority of people who post on this subject just don't understand what I'm trying to explain. Either due to my handicap in trying to explain the unexplainable. Or their inability to simply understand.

I read lines like, he is dominate, and I cringe.

I read non sense about learning how to become *dominate* and I want to just scream!

I read crap about dominating others with whips and chains, and I just shake my head.

Dominant is WHAT you are, you can't learn it, you are, or you aren't.

No one doubts the fact that I am a dominant, no one doubts the fact that my husband is a dominant.

Our relationship is 24/7 from the day he laid eyes on me.

I can't even explain to people that I am not a submissive, I am a dominated dominant!

Argh.....

Allenhurst NJ
Username hidden
(16437 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
kinkster,

What you describe MAY be a PART of BDSM or it may not. There is no One Twue Way (TM) to practice this erotic art.

Some people just ARE.

I have been in and out of the 'scene' since 1979 and I follow no ones protocol but my own. I disdain ceremony, I do not like nor do I attend dungeons, munches or events. I do not believe in written contracts, I rarely if ever anymore combine swinging with anything but light bdsm play. I am simply Dominant, and no one that has ever known me even a little doubts it.

MrsMuir and I are a full time D/s couple, which does not mean we are immersed in kink 24/7. It is something far more profound and much more subtle than what you read in 'Shades'. It's also far less dysfunctional and you will be happy to know that we use much better grammar as well...

East Fishkill NY
Username hidden
(3579 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
No downselling/disrespect is being given to swinging. And yet there are a variety of ways people go about things. However there is a limit in how vocabulary can describe things. In BDSM there are ceremonies, contracts, witnesses, mentors, and instructors. There is for some a highly disciplined structure and process. It does not always include sex.

For the person seeming taking insult that bdsm is upselling and down playing swinging. It is not really that... it's the in ability to describe in vocabulary a fundamental difference to someone that has not experienced it.

Here is an example. You go to a swing party you meet a couple, have some drinks hang out flirt. The night might end in the bed room or you might exchange numbers and plan a future date where you might play or might not.

For BDSM you meet someone, talk, decide to negotiate a scene. There is discussion of fears, health problems, experiences. Sometimes a written contract is presented to be signed. This process can takes days, weeks or even months. Then the night comes. You meet. There is NO drinking, no drugs (because anything the effects judgement could cost a life) You undress, the person binds your hands and feet. You are captured you can't escape now. Then the blindfold gets put on. Now you don't even know what is going on or who is there. You are completely as their mercy at this point. Not only on a human level, but you hope that when they pull out that 8 inch knife and start scraping it across your body they don't accidently slip . you hope that the rope or bindings they used don't compress a nerve and do permanent nerve damage. You hope that when they strike you with that paddle or cane they know what they are doing and down chip a bone or crack one.

In this situation your very life is at risk because you not only can't defend yourself, but you have agreed to allow them to do very dangerous things to your body and one mistake could disfigure or cripple you for life.

So yes the expression that more trust is required for bdsm you might feel as a upsell. It is not an upsell but a truthful description of deeply exploring bdsm.

On the flip side do we have people that just fly in and pick someone to do something dangerous with.. Heck yes. Of course we also have dungeon monitors that try to watch out for this and make sure people are being safe. They supervise and coach and will stop a scene if they feel it is unsafe. And yes people do place a lot of trust in the DM's and faith that they will be looking out for everyone.

Charles City VA
Username hidden
(53 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
No problem, it's a good discussion. They do seem at odds and its frustrating to see. We'd love to get invited out to see more publicly posted BDSM events and more in the BDSM lifestyle circulate in the LS. But we have witnessed how some activities have not been as welcome as we might expect. Nobody wants to circulate where they are not welcome. I do think those in BDSM seem generally more willing to cross borders, but that's just what little we've seen and heard in talking to others in the LS. On another blog I actually saw people angry about a single straight female participating in a LS site. People feeling threatened I suppose. Upside down world when people killing people a million horrific ways is a yawn to society, but sexual exploration is still met with such shock.

Oklahoma City OK
Username hidden
(241 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
I don't intend to be making a judgement call on either lifestyle. I enjoy them both. I have had interactions with both swingers and bdsm players. I think the level of trust is has to do with the comfort level of the participants. You can meet someone for the first time and have great swinging sex without much investment of time or trust. Of course there is some. BDSM often requires a lot more investment in time, judgement and activities and therefore trust often grows over time in playing with others. Just my opinion.

Green Bay WI
Username hidden
(174 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
Trust is a very personal things. Sometimes a person just allowing someone to love them or love back requires them to find almost extraordinary trust. I think my point was the exact opposite again of where you seem to be going, i.e., BDSM requires MORE, more trust, more love, is more complex. Again, trying to up sell one lifestyle and down sell another. Perhaps the lifestyles seem at odds because some people think of themselves as better or more evolved. The same way some in the lifestyle think if they are in an open relationship that they have evolved and look down on others who just haven't made it to their level of sophistication and trust. PLEASE, I recall the Steve Martin old line about how, I treat everyone equally no matter how much better I am than them. Trust is a personal thing, perhaps the level of trust is the same, but a couple has achieved the lifestyle they want and aren't just waiting around to evolve.

I have no doubt BDSM relationship are complex and have interesting dynamics. I think its wonderful to hear about these complexities and difficulties in forging something lasting and the many variety of these relationships. Perhaps the BDSM community and the LS community need to each listen to each other a little more and be less judgmental and try harder to understand what difficulties each have.

The question may be why bother? In my mind, because there is an intermingling and their are people in both LS that might have a lot to share and there may be commonalities and opportunities to explore.

Oklahoma City OK
Username hidden
(241 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
Of course trust is involved with all relationships. However in swing the trust is easier to come by. The expectations of both parties is fairly simple. In bdsm it can be much more complex. If a woman is going to allow someone to tie her up and blindfold her, for example, and then do whatever, requires trust and or familiarity that is deeper than just having sex with someone. It seems that swingers often are put off because it appears like abuse or that women must be doormats to be treated like that. Even mild bdsm play can freak out even liberal swingers. It's a challenge for them to accept that this behavior is consensual and desired. It seems so un-PC and counter intuitive. At least until one experiences it. We revealed ourselves to the swingers by teaching and demoing and inviting others to group play which seems safer and less intimidating. That has allowed those who are interested to approach us and we work with them at their level. We don't expect them to play or understand all that we do, so we start slowly and go from there. That has been our most successful method of combining both swing and bdsm.

Green Bay WI
Username hidden
(174 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
I don't see a reason to negative sell either lifestyle as the reason why the groups are at odds. The things we share are greater than what sets us all apart. Words like : "BDSM about trust and Swinging about thrust" rhyme and may sound like it shares some truth, but it seems really just plain derogatory to swingers in stating that trust is not a part of the lifestyle. I hear many describe BDSM in ways that tell us that they share many of the same high levels of communication that devoted couples in the lifestyle do. A level of communication and trust that is hard for many people, in and out of the various lifestyles to achieve. We know vanilla couples that have wonderful and abiding marriages and we have no reason to deride the path they've taken, they love and are going through the journey together.

With that said, we've always been interested to meet and see BDSM couples. It is a shame that the level of trust between the communities is so low. The lifestyle has some great clubs and facilities, as perhaps they might in the BDSM world. We're both communities that have to remain isolated and fly under societies radar. Every once in awhile we've been honored to see a couple share their style of play and their relationship dynamics. I think sharing that sort of openness is more of what we need: from both sides. Perhaps some LS couples being invited to a whatever BDSM consider house parties and visa versa.

OP made some good points about how they felt about the various and communities and why things seemed at odds. I assume the reason for the post was meant to open the dialogue. Or perhaps I got it wrong and its just a thread to put down those in the LS and in some odd way lift up those in the BDSM community?

Oklahoma City OK
Username hidden
(241 posts)
GoTo Page: Less ... 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Start   92 to 101 of 105   End
TOPIC: Maybe this is why bdsm and swinging seems at odds