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Maybe this is why bdsm and swinging seems at odds : Swingers Discussion 2006661075
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TOPIC: Maybe this is why bdsm and swinging seems at odds
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here's the rest:

Now: Now, I am married to another dominant male. He does not have the need to control or dominate by force or by any other oppressive measure. The difference? This man is confident in who he is. He is stable. He loves me. I trust him with every fiber of my being. He recognized that I am submissive from day one. Could he crush me with a word or an action or by ignoring me? Of course. But does he? No. This man is caring. Gentle sometimes. He knows he "has me," and I know he has me. It's a pleasure to be married to a man who is dominant and also secure in himself not to use it to oppress. He does, however, use it sexually as it pleases him. We can withhold, he can control, he can tell me to go get on the bed and spread my legs and not only will I blindly obey him, I will also become VERY turned on by his very command. It just is. It's not something I give him, nor can I take it back through any "safe" word. Since we both know who we are, we are so free to be ourselves. And that encompasses so many things. Because he loves me, he has my best interests at heart. He probably wouldn't even describe himself in this way.

As far as play goes, okay, there are variances of BDSM play that are appealing and are not. For example, spanking. He doesn't have the need nor the desire to inflict pain of any kind on me, but goes along and encourages others (he usually can pick those out) and will give the nod to flog, spank, etc., whatever. It's fun. it's just a fun aspect of sex play. And since we are who we are, those kind of things work out well.

If we have any problems in our marriage, it's because we may lose ourselves. For example, if I'm sick or have an injury, part of him will subside out of concern. That is really not him. When ourselves and who we are are sidetracked, say, by a death or illness, it gets confusing and we know that something isn't quite right with us. He backs off, which goes against who he is. We both isolated for a time after each of our mothers died within months of each other. We were not ourselves. And when that happened, I lost my foothold on the security of our relationship. And we've gone through a lot of talks and a coming together again and renewing what makes us "us." We know it inherently. It isn't something that can actually be turned on and off, or given or taken, or meted out. When it's sidetracked for any reason, we are simply not us.

I am not dominant. I can play at it for sex parties with women sometimes, but because it isn't me, I get the giggles and know I'm totally playing/faking it for amusement and enjoyment. He likes it when a woman will sexually take him by the hand and tell him, "I want you to fuck me," or some such. Who doesn't like a sexually confident woman? That's fun.

This whole subject can be confusing b/c we mix into it our ideas of D/s, of BDSM PLAY, of actually describing ourselves, of thinking it's a role to play and not an attribute of our personalities, of what makes us who we are. That's where the arguments come in in these threads. Simply, people are talking about different things, and will not understand those differences.

Gina

San Antonio TX
 
 
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Try telling the stranger who raped me at age 17 that he couldn't take what I didn't want to give.

Extreme example, but control is control. It is not a gift to be given. Here is my own personal experience with it. I am submissive. I am a submissive. Those are two different things, actually. One is a label, or a noun, or a title; the other describes my personality, is an attribute of my behavior and psyche. Sexual or not. Not sure that I would describe myself as meek, as I can be kind of bitchy.

I was married first to a dominant male. He controlled both sexually and materially, emotionally, physically, etc., not only what I did and how I did it, but also where I went and who I was friends with, what job I had and didn't have, etc. I became an abuse survivor. I was also raped byhim. And then, at times, I was very sexually satisfied by him. He controlled, or dominated by force, by demand, by threat, by instilling fear, and so on. He could also be very passionate. How confusing, eh? (more in next post)

San Antonio TX
 
 
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Ghost,

Your reading comprehension skills have a problem as of late. Last night you accused VA of things that he hasn't said. Now you're claiming that I am claiming one true way? really? or are you still worked up because I pointed out to you that you are accusing VA of things that he hasn't said? :)

At no point, not one time have I said that my way is the ONLY way. I'm pointing out that twisting words to advance your outlook are just that. You can't change the meaning of dominance and submission so that you can feel all cozy and warm about what you do.

It's like being a little pregnant, you are either pregnant or not.

Furthermore, I went above and beyond to explain my point, while I was being slandered with things that I never uttered.

But that's ok, I understand your frustration Ghost. :)

Colts Neck NJ
 
 
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" In fact, they can go a lifetime without every touching a flogger or rope etc... "

MrsMuir got a tad cranky a few months ago and said I was not sufficiently dominating her in our sexplay because I was not using enough toys and props. I have not used much of anything since yet i seriously doubt she would think herself 'less dominated' than before. In fact, she most likely believes the opposite now as I made a particular point of reinforcing that.

That being said, don't you think this conversation is wandering rather close to The One Twue Way (TM) Sed? Your view of D/s is as always very strong, very unique and very much YOUR opinion.

There are many 'flavors' of D/s Sed. It would be pretty boring if we were shoehorned into yours, mine or any one's idea of what it should be. Just because YOUR submission must be won at such dramatic measure does not mean it's the same for others. It doesn't even mean it's a majority view.

I can certainly see needing to be dramatically dominated is the honest 'you' though. If I was your husband and you had the 'mouth' you have here I would have you in a 'special' position (sans vocalization) more often than not.

Somehow I suspect that for the most part you behave very well around your husband and save your vitriolic outbursts for this and other forums....

East Fishkill NY
 
 
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SB perfectly stated, I'm glad that you see what I'm trying to get across, despite the fact that I'm being slandered by a highly emotional woman.

Colts Neck NJ
 
 
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Hmmm initially, when you posted that you were being disrespected by men, I believed that you were a victim. After having this exchange with you, watching you descent into a hysteria, attributing things to me that I never said, not even implied makes me question whether it is the men who are in the wrong or actually you are.

Are you accustomed to making things up as you go, or is it just the topic of BDSM that makes you go nuts?

Colts Neck NJ
 
 
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BINGO :)

Colts Neck NJ
 
 
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Thank you, Sed. As always, makes sense to me now.... it's the difference between "being a submissive", and "being submissive."

Apollo PA
 
 
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When was the last time you opened up a dictionary? if not recently, please do yourself a favor and look up the meaning of the word submissive.

In my experience, people who shout that others shouldn't judge are probably the most judgmental of all. Everybody judges, some of us are just more honest about it.

I stated right off the bat that there is nothing wrong with playing with safe words, most do. There is nothing wrong with thinking that one is submitting and under the control of another even if they're really not.

I told you that we'd have to agree to disagree, but you returned for more. Allow me the same freedoms as you demand for yourself.

Colts Neck NJ
 
 
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Submissive, meek, obedient, docile.

I am being submissive when husband successfully dominates me. But I am not a submissive.

I still can't get over that bullshit that circulates in the BDSM circles, that submission is a gift! please! keep that gift, it's conditional :).

Colts Neck NJ
 
 
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TOPIC: Maybe this is why bdsm and swinging seems at odds