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Maybe this is why bdsm and swinging seems at odds : Swingers Discussion 2006661051
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FORUMSGeneral DiscussionsBDSMMaybe this is why bdsm and swinging seems at odds
TOPIC: Maybe this is why bdsm and swinging seems at odds
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We had this conversation with swing couple on Sat. night. Similarly, anyway.

I am submissive. Pretty easy to tell too. The other husband is quiet, non pushy, and if we had stuck to our personalities, nothing might have happened for us. BUT. I made an effort and got things started, so to speak. Suggestions, not demands or orders. And once we were in bed together, he totally took over, was dominant in BODY, and action, maybe not initially in speaking to me (although quietness is not a sign of passivity, or submission. Some of the most quiet people I know are totally dominant).

What was said about D/s was regarding the inflicting of pain or pressure. I am submissive to my husband. But he is not a pain inflictor. But, he will oversee the administration of any type of BDSM activity he thinks/knows I would enjoy. Spanking or flogging for example.

(note: I am talking here of examples of bedroom play not personalities or traits that are inherent...seems people disagree on those points about true D/s, so I think this may speak to both sets of thought/belief)

Some people want to play at or experience the tenets without awareness of the true inherentness of being dominant or submissive as true to their natures. Ok.

Here is my BDSM, and D/s example to make of what you will, either thoughts: D, my husband, is whom I trust with my life. And because he is Dominant, he has that responsibility. It is not one of control, but of that intense of love for me. Here is just a small example of something regarding the swing play use of floggers, etc., that illustrates the difference of play vs personality: At a party, I was enjoying being spanked with a flogger. D was the one who allowed such play to go on for me. He doesn't like inflicting pain. Does that make him non-dominant? NO. What instead happened is that he told the person, "You can spank her harder." He knows my threshold. What I can take, what is too much, what would be toomuch, not enough, and who had the right intentions, and who was just being sadistic. Why does/did he know this? because he knows me, because he is dominant he makes it a point to inherently know me well enough to know how much to allow other people to switch me with a flogger. And with people who had a true understanding of him, and this type of personality, all he had to do was tell them with his eyes or a nod, and they "got it." If they had to verbally ask, or ask ME, then they didn't 'get it."

And that's only in the realm of play, not even close to describing our whole lives. It bleeds over well into caring in our daily lives, with family members, with others, etc. It is not male chauvinism. It is not control. It is trust, love, and caring. In a very high sense of the words.

Gina

San Antonio TX
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Hear hear!

Perfectly stated, and obviously from a person that understands it!

Rumson NJ
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Well, it's like the difference between describing your personality and describing what particular activity you feel like engaging in at the moment. Some people don't marry the two. Some do.

New Market MD
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Sed Maybe they understand it the way you do. I just curious how they would describe their experience. I am trying to understand your position, but it is challenging.

I would love to hear a description of an example of what you call bending of the will. Perhaps if you describe it, the rest of us wannabes might get the point you are trying to make. Describe for us what is true dominance and true submission. Is bending the will require force, coercion, mental domination or what? Does it require actions that are contrary to your will and desire? Or do you desire to have your will bent? Do you consent to submit? When the will is bent, does your will change for good going forward or must you be rebent each time?

I am truly curious, because as you know, I don't agree with you most of the time, but I am willing to try to understand if you are willing. Your call.

Green Bay WI
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PixieNDixie understand the difference between topping bottoming dominance and submission. Others, clearly are struggling with it.

Rumson NJ
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Pixie and Dixie I'm curious who is the author of your post. The male or femaile? Are you both this way or just one of you? Are you a switch, depending on circumstances? When you are topping are you a dominant at that point and conversely, when you are bottoming, are you a submissive at that point? I'm just trying to understand your point.

Green Bay WI
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PixieNdixie,

So perfectly stated!

Bravo!

Rumson NJ
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sirandp wrote:

"... discourage artificial assignments and expectations of one's sexuality."

Agreed. Avoid labels. Be sex positive. It's less important to belong to any one particular camp than it is to be the best you can be for her (or making it possible for her to be the best she can be for herself).

Daniels MD
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I'm not a dominant, but I can top. Do it well, too.

I'm not a sub, but I *love* to submit. Delicious.

There are lots of folks just looking for a scene, not a lifestyle.

Lineboro Cpo MD
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In my experience, Dominance and submission (in the context of D/s relationships) is kind of like sexual orientation. It's rarely either/or. Someone can have a Dominant personality in general, but that doesn't lock them into a prescribed role in the bedroom... though it can. I guess there can be a Kinsey Scale to D/s, with people moving in and out and along that scale as their interests and proclivities evolve.

Perhaps the most important thing is to celebrate anyone's genuine exploration of their sexuality, and to discourage artificial assignments and expectations of one's sexuality. The hardest part is to start with the self. Once a person is brutally honest with oneself, then he or she can best participate in a healthy sexual relationship.

Easier said than done, sometimes... alas.

New Market MD
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TOPIC: Maybe this is why bdsm and swinging seems at odds