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Knowing when NO really means NO : Swingers Discussion 85797
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TOPIC: Knowing when NO really means NO
Created by: DSpghcouple The original post for this thread was deleted.
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The one thing I notice the most about some of these posts is that people speak in terms of TURE dom, and the BEST, What makes a TRUE dom and who descides who is or is not a TRUE dom.

I do not know of a "BEST" for much of anything, there is however a "best for me" for everything. I small difference? Perhaps but the difference speaks to how a person thinks. For me open minded people speak very carefully and do not make broad statments like "the best"

Rialto CA
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I don't think Subs are suposed to say No to their Dom. With that being said, No could be a "Safe Word". But on the other hand, No could be said during play. I agree that when you play with someone, they should know you at least enough to think they understand what could be acceptable and what isn't. Even though my husband and I think we know each other, we still use a safe word, which means everything stops, without hesitation because of one reason or another. It's a word that is used not only in play but in many things, even up to choosing another couple. We did this because our first time hard playing, a situtation came about where just a plain No would not have quickly stopped the situtation. When either of us use the word, it's very important. So I vote for the safe word, other than No.

We have words or saying to each other that to anyone else, would seem like normal conversation but have a whole different meaning to us. It seems to be working great for us and it doesn't lead to any confusion. we know if each other is thinking Go or Stop, yes or no.

Manchester NJ
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I would not suggest using "no" as a safeword in the first place...especially if no may not be no. As far as knowing whether or not no is really no, unless you know the woman impeccably I would stop when she says no.

San Marcos TX
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Just remember: "OW!" and "MOTHERFUCKER!" are not safewords :-D

Tallahassee FL
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Personally, I like a graded response. One that tells me where I am on the curve. therefore I ask "color"

green=all is great. yellow=somewhat intense lighten up. Red= Stop everything immediately.

This has worked well.

but there was a time when I was unable to SW. My Mentor repeatedly asked what my SW was...Mercy..and was I using it. NO. It became clear that I was unable to protect myself...so he stopped.

He made an error right at the beginning. He told me to "leave" So I mentally left my body. I was unable to SW because I was not connected to my body.

This brings up a good point. Merely because the sub has not used their SW does not mean you should keep going. They may be unable to do so because of subspace or some other interference.

It is always up to the dom to stop the play if it goes too far.

Bifem_Top

Glen Burnie MD
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Poly, you are absolutely and exactly right. I am NOT "in love" in any way, shape or form with M and neither is he with me. I trust him and I care about him as my dear friend....but like Tina said, what does love have to do with it. I agree that love can interfere. Its hard to push someone's boundaries when you are completely worried or concerned about causing pain....not saying that doms or dommes intentionally hurt their subs, of course not...but like in fitness its constantly about pushing it just a little bit further than last time. Shell

San Marcos TX
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The whole sub/Dom realm is based upon knowingly placing yourself into someone else's hands and is really geared for the Dom to be so loving and caring that he knows what the sub can take/not take/what's best/not best. (I use "he," but it can be interchangeable of course). It takes knowledge, experience and TRUST to be a true Dom/sub, and that isn't going to come with first time swing experiences or with new couples, but from taking the time to get to know people well, trust them even more.

Now, BDSM play is different than that, and can lend itself to more of the lingo such as "safe words," fetishes and toys and experimenting. A Dom/sub can include that, or not, and bdsm lovers can also be Dom/sub, so it's all a matter of defining things for yourselves.

Gina

San Antonio TX
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Poly I agree with you. Honestly you are not only vulnerable in this area but you can get hurt if you end up with an asshole playing dom. Its not a joke and we don't do this because there is a bdsm room the party and isn't it cute to get tied up and spanked for all to see. I hate those. I don't think we have ever done that at like a party, I don't see it as a silly, cutesy little side. I have known people to break down crying doing this because boundaries are being pushed and thats just not something I joke around with. I do not have a safeword with Jay because he knows me so well that he can tell just by how I move that I don't like something. With M though I do have a safeword; like I said before, I'm still very new to this and my boundaries are still constantly shifting and evolving so we have to have a safeword. Shell

San Marcos TX
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applejax

Rochester NY
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2Sweet, thats a fantastic idea...I will probably use that in regards to the green yellow and red. Our first session will be very trial and error. I'm quite new to the formal side of bdsm and so I will most likely be in yellow for most of it. Hell I come from an upbringing where masturbation is red ha. And although I do consider myself to be freaky I won't sit here and talk shit like I'm all bad ass. That is a good idea though, that way M will know when I'm okay thats very cool and when a boundary is being pushed. Shell

San Marcos TX
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TOPIC: Knowing when NO really means NO